As you can see , the girlfriend remote gives you the opportunity to really get everything you want out of your woman - including a "Bra Off" button and multiple mute buttons.
We need to make this a reality fellaz!!! Really
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
This Girlfriend Remote Control Comes With Two Mute Buttons And More Necessities
As you can see , the girlfriend remote gives you the opportunity to really get everything you want out of your woman - including a "Bra Off" button and multiple mute buttons.
We need to make this a reality fellaz!!! Really
Monday, 29 June 2009
Kid Flips Out When Girl Rejects Him
I think lil homie needs to get a grip of his emotions and deal with rejection now!
Who know how he will handle gettin' brushed when he's older if it not remedied now!
Saturday, 27 June 2009
She thinks she's sexy... MAJOR FAIL!
This is too much damn joke, can someone help this girl catch the beat?
Thursday, 25 June 2009
7 Types of Cockblockers
Picking up girls at a bar is hard enough as it is. To make matters worse, single men have to be on constant lookout for the infamous cockblocker. The modern cockblocker can manifest in many forms, and being able to identify and manage a cockblocker can mean the difference between a successful night, and one where you go home alone, eat Salted Popcorn by yourself, and watch Children of Men on Sky, one and a half times before passing out. Here are 7 common cockblockers to look out for:
1. The Gay Friend
In the football, there's a reason why you never trade a player to a team you're going to face later on in the season: he knows everything you're going to try, and he's going to tell the other team, and suddenly you're losing 6-0 in the second half, and you're standing on the sidelines thinking, "how the fuck did this happen?"
The Gay Friend knows your moves, because at the end of the day you both want the same thing, to find someone drunk enough to let you stick something in their ass. To make matters worse, unlike the seven girlfriends surrounding your prospective lady, The Gay Friend isn't catty and backstabbing, because he's not trying to go for the same dick that she is. Consequently, he has no problem looking out for her at all costs. This means that you'll have to come prepared with a few trick plays, or have the most dedicated wingman in the entire world.
2. The Platonic Male Friend
Every girl has a male friend who she's not romantically involved with, but who desperately wants to fuck her. He's probably been friends with her for years, and may have even made out with her once or twice, when she was really drunk and without any other viable options. He's fiercely protective of her, because he honestly believes that someday she'll give up on finding someone that she actually finds attractive and settle for him. To you, he's like the river of lava that blocked the road to town in Dante's Peak, and you'll have to handle him the same way that Pierce Brosnan handled that road, just put it into four-wheel drive, get a running start, and force your way through it....Fuck it...
3. The Man-Hater Friend
There are two different sub-categories of Man-haters: the Man-haters who always hate men (a.k.a., "The Katie Price"), and the Man-haters who hate men because they recently got dumped or cheated on. Either way, a Man-hater will do everything in their power to stop you from banging their friend. Man-haters are typically fat and ugly, and they live by one simple rule, "if nobody wants to fuck me, then no one is fucking you, either." They usually speak for their more attractive friends by using the pronoun "we" frequently. "We want to be left alone", "we didn't ask you to sit down", and "we'd like three orders of nachos" are all common Man-hater phrases, and all can be roughly translated to, "I'm fat and miserable, and I will have terrible gas later, but at least I won't be the only one who doesn't get fucked tonight."
4. The "Girls' Night Out" Group
Like a sexy lesbian pillow fight, it was decided long before this night started that men were not even going to be involved in the equation. The "Girls' Night Out" group is sure to have at least two members who's sole purpose is to block cocks like they're the Arsenal's defense. This night has been advertised and discussed within the group all week, and the last thing any girl wants is to be the one that strays from her "Girls' Night Out" friends to talk to you. If you do manage to somehow make it past the initial layer of Cockblockers and pull one away, there's no chance in hell you're taking her home. The girls in a "Girls' Night Out" group think like Marines, they're all going in together, and if anybody tries to fuck one of them, the rest of them are going to beat the shit out of him.
5. Your Drunk Friend
Sometimes your best friends can become your worst enemies. If your friend is drunk to the point that he's acting belligerent, annoying, or otherwise idiotic in any way, you'll be considered guilty by association. You'll need to wriggle out of that situation in order to stand a chance. Your best bet is to make light of the situation, and then follow that with a very dark, dismal explanation of why your friend needs to get super fucking drunk. For example, after your drunk friend gropes your target girl, mumbles something absolutely disgusting to her, and then stumbles away, just laugh and say, "Oh, sheeee-it. Ol' Fred's really going to town tonight". He deserves it, though. If my parents had just told me that they weren't my real parents, and that they found me stuck in the bottom of a public toilet when I was two, I'd probably want to get pretty wasted, too. The fact is, I'm the only family he has left now."
6. Your Drunk Self
Alcohol is to you like Ben Affleck is to any movie, in small amounts, it can be enjoyable, but as soon as it takes over, everything turns to shit real fast. People around you start saying things like "This has gotten embarrassing. We should just go." When you're that drunk, or what I like to call "Fuck-it-ness wasted", you cease to be cool and begin to sabotage the shit out of yourself. Normally, this occurs because you end up taking a harmless joke or topic way too far. The girl you're sloppily choppin' up might say something like, "Yeah, my girlfriends and I come here a lot," to which you'll respond: "Ha! I usually come in my friggin' bafroom, you know watta I mean? Haha! Talkin' bout jerkin to the off. Get it?"
7. A Baby
The sound of a baby crying will instantly make a vagina dryer than a 1980's BBC sitcom. If you've made it all the way back to your prospective lady's yardto find that she's got a little one sleeping at home, your best bet is to take the Benny Hill approach, put on some soft music and speed things up as quickly as possible, because once that baby wakes up and starts crying, you're defenceless. It's like Ronaldo, it can't be stopped, and there's no way it's going to shake your hand if it loses.
1. The Gay Friend
In the football, there's a reason why you never trade a player to a team you're going to face later on in the season: he knows everything you're going to try, and he's going to tell the other team, and suddenly you're losing 6-0 in the second half, and you're standing on the sidelines thinking, "how the fuck did this happen?"
The Gay Friend knows your moves, because at the end of the day you both want the same thing, to find someone drunk enough to let you stick something in their ass. To make matters worse, unlike the seven girlfriends surrounding your prospective lady, The Gay Friend isn't catty and backstabbing, because he's not trying to go for the same dick that she is. Consequently, he has no problem looking out for her at all costs. This means that you'll have to come prepared with a few trick plays, or have the most dedicated wingman in the entire world.
2. The Platonic Male Friend
Every girl has a male friend who she's not romantically involved with, but who desperately wants to fuck her. He's probably been friends with her for years, and may have even made out with her once or twice, when she was really drunk and without any other viable options. He's fiercely protective of her, because he honestly believes that someday she'll give up on finding someone that she actually finds attractive and settle for him. To you, he's like the river of lava that blocked the road to town in Dante's Peak, and you'll have to handle him the same way that Pierce Brosnan handled that road, just put it into four-wheel drive, get a running start, and force your way through it....Fuck it...
3. The Man-Hater Friend
There are two different sub-categories of Man-haters: the Man-haters who always hate men (a.k.a., "The Katie Price"), and the Man-haters who hate men because they recently got dumped or cheated on. Either way, a Man-hater will do everything in their power to stop you from banging their friend. Man-haters are typically fat and ugly, and they live by one simple rule, "if nobody wants to fuck me, then no one is fucking you, either." They usually speak for their more attractive friends by using the pronoun "we" frequently. "We want to be left alone", "we didn't ask you to sit down", and "we'd like three orders of nachos" are all common Man-hater phrases, and all can be roughly translated to, "I'm fat and miserable, and I will have terrible gas later, but at least I won't be the only one who doesn't get fucked tonight."
4. The "Girls' Night Out" Group
Like a sexy lesbian pillow fight, it was decided long before this night started that men were not even going to be involved in the equation. The "Girls' Night Out" group is sure to have at least two members who's sole purpose is to block cocks like they're the Arsenal's defense. This night has been advertised and discussed within the group all week, and the last thing any girl wants is to be the one that strays from her "Girls' Night Out" friends to talk to you. If you do manage to somehow make it past the initial layer of Cockblockers and pull one away, there's no chance in hell you're taking her home. The girls in a "Girls' Night Out" group think like Marines, they're all going in together, and if anybody tries to fuck one of them, the rest of them are going to beat the shit out of him.
5. Your Drunk Friend
Sometimes your best friends can become your worst enemies. If your friend is drunk to the point that he's acting belligerent, annoying, or otherwise idiotic in any way, you'll be considered guilty by association. You'll need to wriggle out of that situation in order to stand a chance. Your best bet is to make light of the situation, and then follow that with a very dark, dismal explanation of why your friend needs to get super fucking drunk. For example, after your drunk friend gropes your target girl, mumbles something absolutely disgusting to her, and then stumbles away, just laugh and say, "Oh, sheeee-it. Ol' Fred's really going to town tonight". He deserves it, though. If my parents had just told me that they weren't my real parents, and that they found me stuck in the bottom of a public toilet when I was two, I'd probably want to get pretty wasted, too. The fact is, I'm the only family he has left now."
6. Your Drunk Self
Alcohol is to you like Ben Affleck is to any movie, in small amounts, it can be enjoyable, but as soon as it takes over, everything turns to shit real fast. People around you start saying things like "This has gotten embarrassing. We should just go." When you're that drunk, or what I like to call "Fuck-it-ness wasted", you cease to be cool and begin to sabotage the shit out of yourself. Normally, this occurs because you end up taking a harmless joke or topic way too far. The girl you're sloppily choppin' up might say something like, "Yeah, my girlfriends and I come here a lot," to which you'll respond: "Ha! I usually come in my friggin' bafroom, you know watta I mean? Haha! Talkin' bout jerkin to the off. Get it?"
7. A Baby
The sound of a baby crying will instantly make a vagina dryer than a 1980's BBC sitcom. If you've made it all the way back to your prospective lady's yardto find that she's got a little one sleeping at home, your best bet is to take the Benny Hill approach, put on some soft music and speed things up as quickly as possible, because once that baby wakes up and starts crying, you're defenceless. It's like Ronaldo, it can't be stopped, and there's no way it's going to shake your hand if it loses.
5 Quizzes That Never Made It To Facebook
Facebook is full of quizzes. There is a quiz for just about anything that you could ever imagine. With so many quizzes, it made me wonder if any ever get rejected. After some investigative research, I have uncovered 5 quizzes that never made it to Facebook. Because I love you so much, I have decided to share them with you.
Quiz: Which 1980's Sitcom Alien Are you?
What is it?: This quiz determines which alien from a 1980's sitcom you are based on your answers.
Example Results:
Why it failed: Besides a lack of 1980's sitcoms featuring aliens, this quiz failed due to its accusation of lesbianism towards female quiz takers. Also, nobody wants to be ALF. His nose looks like something a dog bent off in the garden and he was missing his junk.
Quiz: What Amy Winehouse STD Are You?
What is it?: This is a quiz to determine which one of Amy Winehouse's STDs you most resemble from your answers.
Example Results:
Why it failed: The only thing worse than comparing yourself to an STD is comparing yourself to an STD hosted by Winehouse.
Quiz: What R&B Woman Beater Are You?
What is it?: This quiz takes your answers and determines which famous R&B woman beater you are.
Example Results:
Why it failed: The subject matter was a little too much for Facebook and many users thought it was "too soon" for some of the results. I don't see it.
Quiz: Which Dead Celebrity Are You?
What is it?: This quiz is used to determine which dead celebrity you are.
Example Results:
Why it failed: Umm...yeah. I'm not sure any explanation is necessary.
Quiz: Which Black Guy Are You?
What is it?: This quiz compares you to black guys in all white movies.
Example Results:
Why it failed: Besides being slightly racist, no one knew any of the guys they were being compared to.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
The Worst Comedian of all time
I think my favourite part of this, is that he keeps looking around like in fear, as if right before this video happened, a group of Ku Klux Klansmen kidnapped this guy and were like "listen here yew, yer gonna put on this here funny hat and yer gonna make us laugh boy." I think my favourite "joke" in this, is his unique take on male birth control pills, with the punch line of "you know, watch out...guys."
Fuckin' retarded!
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Perez Hilton gets a much deserved lesson!
I've spent most of yesterday laughing to myself about what happened to Perez the previous night. I was finally happy that he got schooled on how the real world actually works. For those of you who don't know who the little bitch is, his name is Perez Hilton and he runs PerezHilton.com which is a celebrity gossip site. It's full of his own flamboyant commentary and pictures of celebs that he has drawn dicks and cum shots on. Yes...he is famous for drawing dicks on photos of celebrities. Well, that and just being a douchebag in general.
Last night Perez posted on Twitter that Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas had assaulted him in Toronto and he was bleeding. He kept tweeting that he needed the police and he was in shock. Will.I.Am just assaulted him according to his posts. He never once said whether or not it was provoked by anything, but those that know who Perez Hilton is couldn't wait to hear what he did to get assaulted. I found it ridiculously odd that in such a moment of "shock" he would be posting on Twitter. If I am bleeding from the face, I am certainly not on Twitter talking about it and I doubt anyone else is. But Perez is a publicity whore and gets his kicks from shit like this, so I guess it makes sense for him.
He likes it, he likes it!
Shortly after Perez announced this, Will.I.Am posted a video discussing the events that happened and also released the information that Perez had called him a faggot. However, Will also stated that it was not him that hit Perez, but rather a crazed BEP fan. Before we get into who's right and who's wrong or who actually did what, I would like to make it clear that I am not on either side of this. I don't give a shit about Perez Hilton and I haven't been a fan of the Black Eyed Peas since before they were signed...back before I knew they existed.
Today Perez built up the nerve to cry into the webcam of his MacBook Pro and released a video detailing what happened. He said that the attacker was Will.I.Am's manager and also admitted to calling Will a faggot when he confronted him about writing about BEP on his site. He went on and repeatedly said "violence is not the answer" and talked about how they broke the law. Part of his video talked about how confrontational Will was when he got "right in his face" and told him not to be rude when writing about his band. He continues to say that he decided right then that he wasn't going to let him talk to him like that and blatantly called him a faggot because he knew that would piss him off.
I understand that in his world, violence never happens and he's never been a part of any violence outside of some fucked up role playing. I doubt Perez has ever even thrown a punch in his life that connected to anything other than some poor guy's bumhole. Does being called a faggot give Will the right to punch him in the eye? No, that's what managers are for.
Perez, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from this incident. The lesson to be learned is that when you know someone is pissed and being confrontational towards you, you shut the fuck up and apologize if you don't want it to get violent. If you do want it to turn into a fight, then you do exactly what you did and TRY LIKE HELL to push the person over the edge. I know this is hard for you to comprehend, but in the real world people have face to face confrontations all the time and the outcome of these situations is dictated by how BOTH parties handle the situation. For instance, Will was playing the role of the pissed off guy which means that if you don't want it to turn violent, then the only role you can play is the apologetic cool guy. You know, the guy that says "Hey, I'm sorry you take offence to what I write. It's just my opinion and I'm just a guy famous for being a dick when it comes to celebs, so it's part of my persona." See, the exact opposite is the role you played last night by saying "Hey, fuck you! That's my opinion and you're just a faggot! Cocksucker!"
You see, Perez, the thing about a face to face confrontation is that you aren't behind the protective barrier of your website. That means that if you piss someone off, they can punch you right then and there. You're not curled up on your cock shaped couch wearing your flesh colored knickers while Will.I.Am is miles away writing a new song to rape the radio airwaves. I don't care if it's against the law for someone to hit you. In the real world, clueless idiots like yourself get punched in the face when they are asking for it. I would have hit you just because of your pink hair and the way you eat a banana. Lesson learned. I hope you can move on from this and will be more aware of the situations you find yourself in.
The Perez videos are on YouTube. I would link to them, but I don't want this site to get the AIDS.
Dude freaks out when his Mother cancels his World of Warcraft Account
This is the craziest shit I've seen in ages! Not sure what he was trying to achieve by attempting to shove a TV Remote up his own ass though.....
Monday, 22 June 2009
Its Official, Perez Hilton is an attention seeking douchebag.
This morning I logged into Twitter to check my messages and what not. To my suprise I see my home screen filled with Tweets by Perez Hilton.
Usually I ignore his bullshit tweets but this caught my eye as he claimed that he was written off by none other than Will.I.AM.
So far it seem like this story has been fabricated by Perez which I think is a damn shame, I really wish someone one really boxed that fucker in!
Here's what I gleaned off Twitter:
PerezHilton
9.
Is there a gay bar that we can go to with GaGa now that like has a balcony or some place to have fun but be safe?about 5 hours ago from Sidekick
8.
I'm in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
7.
I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
6.
Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
5.
I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
4.
The Toronto police are here now. Thank you. Please stop calling them.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
3.
Thank u all from the bottom of my heart for ur concern. The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it.23 minutes ago from web
2.
I won't be talking about this any further. It is in the hands of the authorities.22 minutes ago from web
1.
I am NOT going to let this affect my work. And today will be a day like any other on the website.20 minutes ago from web
Retort from Will.I.AM's TWITTER
#
i just made a twitter account because it isnt cool for someone to blame you and blast you with lies...about 1 hour ago from web
#
@officialTila this is dude is crazy...he will go to any length to get press... wow...!!!!about 1 hour ago from web in reply to officialTila
# @officialTila heres what really happened... http://dipdive.com/member/i...about 1 hour ago from web in reply to officialTila
Usually I ignore his bullshit tweets but this caught my eye as he claimed that he was written off by none other than Will.I.AM.
So far it seem like this story has been fabricated by Perez which I think is a damn shame, I really wish someone one really boxed that fucker in!
Here's what I gleaned off Twitter:
PerezHilton
9.
Is there a gay bar that we can go to with GaGa now that like has a balcony or some place to have fun but be safe?about 5 hours ago from Sidekick
8.
I'm in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
7.
I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
6.
Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
5.
I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
4.
The Toronto police are here now. Thank you. Please stop calling them.about 2 hours ago from Sidekick
3.
Thank u all from the bottom of my heart for ur concern. The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it.23 minutes ago from web
2.
I won't be talking about this any further. It is in the hands of the authorities.22 minutes ago from web
1.
I am NOT going to let this affect my work. And today will be a day like any other on the website.20 minutes ago from web
Retort from Will.I.AM's TWITTER
#
i just made a twitter account because it isnt cool for someone to blame you and blast you with lies...about 1 hour ago from web
#
@officialTila this is dude is crazy...he will go to any length to get press... wow...!!!!about 1 hour ago from web in reply to officialTila
# @officialTila heres what really happened... http://dipdive.com/member/i...about 1 hour ago from web in reply to officialTila
The 7 Stages of First-Time Sex with Someone
If you're anything like me, your sexual encounters are usually pretty awkward. Once you've been with a girlfriend or boyfriend for a while, they get used to your particular style and you're in the clear, but you'll never reach that point if you don't make it past first-time sex with a new partner. Here are the 7 Stages of First-Time Sex with Someone:
1. The "Determining if You're Going to Have Sex" Stage
A lot of people flirt in social situations, and sometimes it's incredibly difficult to determine if someone is actually interested in you, or if they just want attention and that feeling of power that comes from a good, rigorous cock-teasing. Luckily, the rules are totally different in one-on-one situations, and there are very few people who can be deliberately sexually misleading when it's just the two of you. Those people are known as "girlfriends" and they tend to operate like an M. Night Shyamalan film, they always make it seem like something is going to happen, and then you suddenly realize that you've spent the last two hours listening to her talk shit about something that you don't give a shit about.
Other than that, if you're getting strong sexual vibes from someone that you're alone with, then there's a pretty good chance that he or she is interested in having sex with you. Your intuition about sex in this situation works the same way as the intuition that you get when you find mysterious leftovers in your refrigerator: whatever you immediately think it is, there's a really good chance that you're right.
2. The "Psyching Yourself Up" Stage
There are two ways to psych yourself: up, and out. Try to avoid the latter at this stage. Psyching yourself up for sex is pretty easy. Just try to picture any porn that you've ever watched. You know how sometimes you saw the guy's face, and it made you really uncomfortable? Well, imagine those parts, and put your face on his body. The vision of you banging a hot pornstar in your head will do the trick for you. If you're still having trouble, just keep reminding yourself that you're going to be having sex pretty soon, and that first-time sex is a lot like one of those weird carnivals that you see in public parks: it's kind of creepy, and really sweaty, and there's a good chance that it's not going to be safe at all, but afterwards you'll be glad that you experienced and survived it, and at the very least you'll get a good story out of it.
3. The "Physical Checklist" Stage
This stage pretty much goes hand-in-hand with the previous stage. Shortly after psyching yourself up for sex, you'll start to think about the physical state of your balls, and how that might effect the outcome of your evening. How long has it been since you last showered? Do your balls smell like the lunch buffet at an Indian restaurant? What pants are you wearing today? The ones that breathe pretty well, or some stuffy jeans that you found in your dirty laundry underneath a jerk off sock? When is the last time you trimmed your pubes? Did you wipe your ass really well after the last time you dropped a deuce? All of these things will run through your mind in a millisecond. Imagine that you're a small, malnourished Filipino child at the end of a Nike assembly line: if you've missed something and you don't catch it, there's a good chance your day is going to end with someone saying, "go back to the hole you came from. You disgust me!"
The important thing to remember is that, at this stage, it probably doesn't matter that much, unless you've determined that, say, it's been three weeks since your last shower, or that you just shit your pants an hour ago. Otherwise, you're probably okay.
4. The "Do I Care if the Other Person Enjoys It?" Stage
Like it or not, this is a pre-sex stage that you're going to have to deal with. It's very important to determine whether or not you care if your partner enjoys the experience or not, because this will determine how you perform in the heat of the action. There are several factors that come into play when making this determination: are you ever going to see this person again after tonight? Do you ever want to see this person again? Will this person converse with someone else that you'd eventually like to have sex with? The answer to these questions will help you to better determine your course of action as the evening plays itself out. It's like deciding if you can eat your friend before embarking on a 19th century fur-trapping expedition with them in the dead of winter: sure, you're not planning on consuming them to survive, but it's definitely something that you should keep in mind, just in case.
5. The "Actually Having Sex" Stage
The "Actually Having Sex" Stage is easily the most difficult to manage. When you're having sex, everything is as blurry as that scene in Taken where Liam Neeson is driving down the wrong side of the street at 100mph. Your mind is overwhelmed, and thinking too much is only going to hurt you.
It's best to just sit back, relax, and try to focus on something. Welcome the tunnel vision that comes naturally, and just focus on whatever is right in front of you. If it's a boob or a butt cheek, grab it. If it's any other body part, kiss it or lick it, depending on how things are unfolding. You probably won't have much time in this stage, so attempting to analyse anything is just going to be a waste of valuable time and focus, like a half-time speech from Alan Hansen. It'll be over soon enough, anyway.
6. The "Excuses" Stage
Having sex is like murdering someone: if it goes well, you don't need an excuse. Unfortunately, most of the time it's incredibly messy, and you're thinking "Jesus Christ, what the fuck was I thinking?! I need to get out of here right now." At this point, usually you'll come up with a variety of excuses to explain your shit sexual performance, ranging from "this never happens to me" to "you were making a noise, so I thought that you were liking what I was doing". The important thing to remember here is to never apologize, no matter how terrible your performance was, and then attempt to fade off into obscurity and only show up when there's a party you absolutely have to attend.
7. The "Should I Eat Something Before I Leave?" Stage
When you have sex, your body goes into a primal stage; you've satisfied the impulse for procreation, and now it demands that you feed yourself. Unfortunately, your body doesn't take into account "pulling out and accidentally shooting your ejaculate onto a picture of your date's deceased relative". So, you then use your evolved brain to decide whether or not the situation is too awkward to feed yourself. A good way to tell if this is the case or not is to ask yourself: "if this were a movie starring Seth Rogen, would studio executives immediately green-light a sequel?" If the answer is yes, then it's already far beyond awkward, and it can't get any worse. You might as well help yourself to whatever is in the fridge before you head out.
1. The "Determining if You're Going to Have Sex" Stage
A lot of people flirt in social situations, and sometimes it's incredibly difficult to determine if someone is actually interested in you, or if they just want attention and that feeling of power that comes from a good, rigorous cock-teasing. Luckily, the rules are totally different in one-on-one situations, and there are very few people who can be deliberately sexually misleading when it's just the two of you. Those people are known as "girlfriends" and they tend to operate like an M. Night Shyamalan film, they always make it seem like something is going to happen, and then you suddenly realize that you've spent the last two hours listening to her talk shit about something that you don't give a shit about.
Other than that, if you're getting strong sexual vibes from someone that you're alone with, then there's a pretty good chance that he or she is interested in having sex with you. Your intuition about sex in this situation works the same way as the intuition that you get when you find mysterious leftovers in your refrigerator: whatever you immediately think it is, there's a really good chance that you're right.
2. The "Psyching Yourself Up" Stage
There are two ways to psych yourself: up, and out. Try to avoid the latter at this stage. Psyching yourself up for sex is pretty easy. Just try to picture any porn that you've ever watched. You know how sometimes you saw the guy's face, and it made you really uncomfortable? Well, imagine those parts, and put your face on his body. The vision of you banging a hot pornstar in your head will do the trick for you. If you're still having trouble, just keep reminding yourself that you're going to be having sex pretty soon, and that first-time sex is a lot like one of those weird carnivals that you see in public parks: it's kind of creepy, and really sweaty, and there's a good chance that it's not going to be safe at all, but afterwards you'll be glad that you experienced and survived it, and at the very least you'll get a good story out of it.
3. The "Physical Checklist" Stage
This stage pretty much goes hand-in-hand with the previous stage. Shortly after psyching yourself up for sex, you'll start to think about the physical state of your balls, and how that might effect the outcome of your evening. How long has it been since you last showered? Do your balls smell like the lunch buffet at an Indian restaurant? What pants are you wearing today? The ones that breathe pretty well, or some stuffy jeans that you found in your dirty laundry underneath a jerk off sock? When is the last time you trimmed your pubes? Did you wipe your ass really well after the last time you dropped a deuce? All of these things will run through your mind in a millisecond. Imagine that you're a small, malnourished Filipino child at the end of a Nike assembly line: if you've missed something and you don't catch it, there's a good chance your day is going to end with someone saying, "go back to the hole you came from. You disgust me!"
The important thing to remember is that, at this stage, it probably doesn't matter that much, unless you've determined that, say, it's been three weeks since your last shower, or that you just shit your pants an hour ago. Otherwise, you're probably okay.
4. The "Do I Care if the Other Person Enjoys It?" Stage
Like it or not, this is a pre-sex stage that you're going to have to deal with. It's very important to determine whether or not you care if your partner enjoys the experience or not, because this will determine how you perform in the heat of the action. There are several factors that come into play when making this determination: are you ever going to see this person again after tonight? Do you ever want to see this person again? Will this person converse with someone else that you'd eventually like to have sex with? The answer to these questions will help you to better determine your course of action as the evening plays itself out. It's like deciding if you can eat your friend before embarking on a 19th century fur-trapping expedition with them in the dead of winter: sure, you're not planning on consuming them to survive, but it's definitely something that you should keep in mind, just in case.
5. The "Actually Having Sex" Stage
The "Actually Having Sex" Stage is easily the most difficult to manage. When you're having sex, everything is as blurry as that scene in Taken where Liam Neeson is driving down the wrong side of the street at 100mph. Your mind is overwhelmed, and thinking too much is only going to hurt you.
It's best to just sit back, relax, and try to focus on something. Welcome the tunnel vision that comes naturally, and just focus on whatever is right in front of you. If it's a boob or a butt cheek, grab it. If it's any other body part, kiss it or lick it, depending on how things are unfolding. You probably won't have much time in this stage, so attempting to analyse anything is just going to be a waste of valuable time and focus, like a half-time speech from Alan Hansen. It'll be over soon enough, anyway.
6. The "Excuses" Stage
Having sex is like murdering someone: if it goes well, you don't need an excuse. Unfortunately, most of the time it's incredibly messy, and you're thinking "Jesus Christ, what the fuck was I thinking?! I need to get out of here right now." At this point, usually you'll come up with a variety of excuses to explain your shit sexual performance, ranging from "this never happens to me" to "you were making a noise, so I thought that you were liking what I was doing". The important thing to remember here is to never apologize, no matter how terrible your performance was, and then attempt to fade off into obscurity and only show up when there's a party you absolutely have to attend.
7. The "Should I Eat Something Before I Leave?" Stage
When you have sex, your body goes into a primal stage; you've satisfied the impulse for procreation, and now it demands that you feed yourself. Unfortunately, your body doesn't take into account "pulling out and accidentally shooting your ejaculate onto a picture of your date's deceased relative". So, you then use your evolved brain to decide whether or not the situation is too awkward to feed yourself. A good way to tell if this is the case or not is to ask yourself: "if this were a movie starring Seth Rogen, would studio executives immediately green-light a sequel?" If the answer is yes, then it's already far beyond awkward, and it can't get any worse. You might as well help yourself to whatever is in the fridge before you head out.
Friday, 19 June 2009
The 'spider drawing' email prankster is BACK - Minus the Spiders!
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.
The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIS GYM....
From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.
The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIS GYM....
From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
What Women Want? A true story.... by Malcolm Vex (35 and a bit)
I met this woman on face-pic and we exchanged emails. What follows is a transcript of our 2nd conversation (our first being a casual, 'hi how are you doing?' kinda vibe). I took the slight mickey out of her because of her fastness (and because I am wicked and bad, and idle and will one day go to hell - lol). Enjoy!!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
hello
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
hello u.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
how are u doing today
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
am ok!!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
can we talk now?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
go for it!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i have really miss u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have ya. that's nice.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and how is work doing
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
work is doing fine. how are you?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and your lifl there
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
cool
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
great. fandabbydoozie!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
is jes i have a lit promble
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh no!!! WHAT???
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
but i feel sham to tall u my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pray tell.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
can u promiss that u will help me whan i tall u?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I dunno. am a wonderful man. i help everyone!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
is that me internet lines has discanated
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and need to pay befor they can raconated it for me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
are u there
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
OH NO!!! That's horrible.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
so i need some money for that
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and u are the onle one i have now
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pls help me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
let me get this straight... U can't poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
oh why ?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pooo u can't poo poo?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u r asking me to help you poo?????
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Is it a big poo??? or a little poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i know is big poo
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
but mt love try and help me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U want me to help you with the poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
is it pretty stinky your poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
why are u saying that to me ?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pls i know u can help me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with your big poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
any of them pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with any of your poos?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i need 150 dorrs
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
you want me to help u with 150 big poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
big, stinky poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U like poos then?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love what is the maening of poos
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love now u can send the 150$
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Poo? you know poo....
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pounds or euro
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
150 pounds
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
NO. Poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok send it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
will u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u want me to send to you my poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
if u want
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and when will u send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
My poo is all for you!!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
luv pl z try explane the mean of poo
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
It's what comes out of your bottom. poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love is poo mean to deficate
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
so love u are the only one GOd has chose to me plz help me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
yes
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i need to paid my inter net bell
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
wo they will desconet it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
plz
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
friday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
poo is to defecate...
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
is love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
plz go to google
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
u will find the meand
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I can't send my poo by google.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
it might be runny.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love i need the money on western union money transfer
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
on thursday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
MONEY???? You want me for money?????
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
but i will go th bank on friday
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
u know my internet bill
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
or they will desconet it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
plz love try u best ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh, i thought u were interested in my poo. U lied. I thought u loved my poo. all brown and runny.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Love me. love my poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love plz if u send frist i will
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love the poo
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love if u love me will not give poo to u lover
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
will u eat my poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
no love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i see plz send it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
frist
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love my time ids up see tomoro ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
try and send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
ok. i will send poo tomorrow!! Bye.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
the money my mail me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
have a good day
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have a good poo.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Bye
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
(L)(L)(L)
Yes, I took the pee (or poo) slightly... but come on!!! How can you ask a complete stranger for money??? WTF??? Anyhoo... for anyone out there? Feel free to send poo to Miss Emelia... it might help her internet reconnection!!!
Never Yours,
Malcolm Vex (The Vexorcist)
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
hello
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
hello u.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
how are u doing today
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
am ok!!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
can we talk now?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
go for it!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i have really miss u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have ya. that's nice.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and how is work doing
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
work is doing fine. how are you?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and your lifl there
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
cool
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
great. fandabbydoozie!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
is jes i have a lit promble
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh no!!! WHAT???
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
but i feel sham to tall u my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pray tell.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
can u promiss that u will help me whan i tall u?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I dunno. am a wonderful man. i help everyone!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
is that me internet lines has discanated
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and need to pay befor they can raconated it for me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
are u there
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
OH NO!!! That's horrible.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
so i need some money for that
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and u are the onle one i have now
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pls help me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
let me get this straight... U can't poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
oh why ?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Pooo u can't poo poo?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u r asking me to help you poo?????
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Is it a big poo??? or a little poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i know is big poo
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
but mt love try and help me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U want me to help you with the poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes my love
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
is it pretty stinky your poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
why are u saying that to me ?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pls i know u can help me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with your big poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
any of them pls
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
with any of your poos?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i need 150 dorrs
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
you want me to help u with 150 big poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
big, stinky poos?
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
U like poos then?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love what is the maening of poos
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com just sent you a nudge.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love now u can send the 150$
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Poo? you know poo....
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
pounds or euro
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
150 pounds
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says::
NO. Poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok send it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
will u
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
u want me to send to you my poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
if u want
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
and when will u send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
My poo is all for you!!
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
luv pl z try explane the mean of poo
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
It's what comes out of your bottom. poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love is poo mean to deficate
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
so love u are the only one GOd has chose to me plz help me
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
yes
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i need to paid my inter net bell
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
wo they will desconet it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
plz
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
friday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
poo is to defecate...
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
is love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
plz go to google
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
u will find the meand
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
I can't send my poo by google.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
it might be runny.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love i need the money on western union money transfer
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
on thursday
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
MONEY???? You want me for money?????
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
but i will go th bank on friday
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
yes
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
u know my internet bill
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
or they will desconet it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
plz love try u best ok
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Oh, i thought u were interested in my poo. U lied. I thought u loved my poo. all brown and runny.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Love me. love my poo.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love plz if u send frist i will
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love the poo
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love if u love me will not give poo to u lover
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
will u eat my poo?
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
no love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
i see plz send it
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
frist
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
love my time ids up see tomoro ok
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
try and send it
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
ok. i will send poo tomorrow!! Bye.
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
the money my mail me
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
bye love
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
have a good day
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
have a good poo.
s****and_y*****@hotmail.co.uk says:
Bye
emelia_addae2000@yahoo.com says:
(L)(L)(L)
Yes, I took the pee (or poo) slightly... but come on!!! How can you ask a complete stranger for money??? WTF??? Anyhoo... for anyone out there? Feel free to send poo to Miss Emelia... it might help her internet reconnection!!!
Never Yours,
Malcolm Vex (The Vexorcist)
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
This Is How They Used To Sell Pants (And Mount Women) Back In The Day
Once upon a time (back when people actually lived like the dudes on Mad Men), advertisers had a much different approach to selling men a pair of pants. As you can tell in the ad above, that approach involved comparing women to animals that you could skin and quite literally "walk all over." Those were the good old dayz.....
What the fuck did she expect?
A teenage girl is suing a tattoo artist for £10,000 after she allegedly asked him for three stars on her face - but ended up with 56.
Eighteen-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck paid £55 for 'the graffiti that has ruined my life' in her Belgian home town of Courtrai.
Here's the dude that did the deed!
Apparently it was a misunderstand as he spoke very little French.
Now my girl bops about looking like a clown... DEEP!
Eighteen-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck paid £55 for 'the graffiti that has ruined my life' in her Belgian home town of Courtrai.
Here's the dude that did the deed!
Apparently it was a misunderstand as he spoke very little French.
Now my girl bops about looking like a clown... DEEP!
Michael Bay's Doodles on the Set of Transformers 2
Michael Bay is a friggin' genius I SWEAR!!
I just hope the film has enough explosions.... can never have enough of buildings, people, animal, robots, cars blowing the fuck up!
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
It's time to get smart or die trying
You are a fucking idiot! No, really, you are a fucking idiot. It's okay, though, because apparently so is everyone else. You're an idiot. I'm an idiot. We are idiots. But what about them? Oh, them? No, they're not idiots. THEY were kind enough to make everything easier for us idiots to comprehend.
It's not our fault that we are idiots. We did nothing to become idiots. Well, most of us anyways. Our idiocy is because the companies that make the products we use in our day to day lives have decided that we are idiots. They make more cash money than we do, so they get to decide just how stupid we are. The more I actually pay attention, the more that I realize that these corporations must really think that we're all drooling idiots that can't make it through our day without detailed instructions.
I was reading an article in a magazine the other day and when I got to the bottom of the page, right after the last line, there was a "Continued on page..." notice. This was nothing new to magazines or newspapers. Many times an article will run over the length of the page and the remainder will be in the back of the magazine or paper. They provide you with this notice so that you know what page to flip to so that you can continue reading the article. However, this one was, well...different.
Thank you for clearing that up, OXM! I wasn't familiar with page turning until you came along. It's a wonder I ever made it past page 1. Seriously? Do you think that there are people in this world dumb enough to finish reading the page and not turn the page? Instead, they just sit there grinning like an dickhead? The fucking article said it was listing "23 of our pet peeves." There were 2 listed on the first page followed by your "turn the page, idiot" notice to let us know that your 23 pet peeves didn't end after only 2. Thanks for thinking that we are that dumb. Pricks!
One of the other "warnings" that I never have understood happens when you're paying a bill online and it says "WARNING: Only click 'Submit' once!" It's like they think that we are all apes banging on a keyboard and if we click submit and it doesn't process in 2 seconds then we're just going to keep clicking submit hundreds of times until it does process. "AHHHHH!!!! WHY IT NOT CHANGE SCREEN WHEN CLICKY?!?!" *CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK* DICKHEADS!
I was microwaving a Samosa at work the other day while I weighed and bagged heroin when I happened to notice that ziploc bags come with instructions. I was almost in awe of how retarded that shit is. Knowing how to use a ziploc bag is common knowledge. Let's just be honest about it. There isn't one fucking person in this world that doesn't know how to use one. Even if you had never seen one and someone handed you one and told you to open it and then seal it, you would figure it out in 5 seconds. Which, by the way, is about 10 seconds less time than it would take you to read the instructions. It's just one of those things that comes with life. It's not taught in school, but everyone knows how to use them. Hell, half of us children of the 80's played with them as children. They made cool hats.
What's next? Instructions for watching a movie? Step 1 is to sit down and step 2 is to look at the screen. Taking your shopping out of the bag? Step 1: Open the end that isn't sealed shut. It's getting ridiculous. The problem that I have with these instructions isn't just because some company thinks I'm a complete idiot. It's also due to the fact that these companies are spitting in the face of natural selection. If we continue to dumb down everything, then eventually the world will become overrun with idiots that should have never made it that far. If you're dumb enough to click on submit 50 times and you pay your bill 50 times and drain your account, then you don't deserve to get your money back. You're an idiot and the company you're paying should just say "Well, thanks for the money. Better luck next time!" If you can't figure out to turn the pages of a magazine on your own, then you probably shouldn't be trying to read anyways. Get back to cleaning the toilet that I just destroyed with my Java Monster fuelled dump. And for fucks sake if you don't know how to use a ziploc bag, then you obviously have nothing worth storing in one. There needs to be a panel of people with different I.Q.s from 90 and higher that companies run their products by. If they can hand a product to a person with an I.Q. of 90 and they figure out how to use it, then no instructions are necessary. If only the people with an I.Q. of 130 or higher can figure it out, then they can put instructions on it. For those people 90 and under...it's time to get smart or die trying.
It's not our fault that we are idiots. We did nothing to become idiots. Well, most of us anyways. Our idiocy is because the companies that make the products we use in our day to day lives have decided that we are idiots. They make more cash money than we do, so they get to decide just how stupid we are. The more I actually pay attention, the more that I realize that these corporations must really think that we're all drooling idiots that can't make it through our day without detailed instructions.
I was reading an article in a magazine the other day and when I got to the bottom of the page, right after the last line, there was a "Continued on page..." notice. This was nothing new to magazines or newspapers. Many times an article will run over the length of the page and the remainder will be in the back of the magazine or paper. They provide you with this notice so that you know what page to flip to so that you can continue reading the article. However, this one was, well...different.
Thank you for clearing that up, OXM! I wasn't familiar with page turning until you came along. It's a wonder I ever made it past page 1. Seriously? Do you think that there are people in this world dumb enough to finish reading the page and not turn the page? Instead, they just sit there grinning like an dickhead? The fucking article said it was listing "23 of our pet peeves." There were 2 listed on the first page followed by your "turn the page, idiot" notice to let us know that your 23 pet peeves didn't end after only 2. Thanks for thinking that we are that dumb. Pricks!
One of the other "warnings" that I never have understood happens when you're paying a bill online and it says "WARNING: Only click 'Submit' once!" It's like they think that we are all apes banging on a keyboard and if we click submit and it doesn't process in 2 seconds then we're just going to keep clicking submit hundreds of times until it does process. "AHHHHH!!!! WHY IT NOT CHANGE SCREEN WHEN CLICKY?!?!" *CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK* DICKHEADS!
I was microwaving a Samosa at work the other day while I weighed and bagged heroin when I happened to notice that ziploc bags come with instructions. I was almost in awe of how retarded that shit is. Knowing how to use a ziploc bag is common knowledge. Let's just be honest about it. There isn't one fucking person in this world that doesn't know how to use one. Even if you had never seen one and someone handed you one and told you to open it and then seal it, you would figure it out in 5 seconds. Which, by the way, is about 10 seconds less time than it would take you to read the instructions. It's just one of those things that comes with life. It's not taught in school, but everyone knows how to use them. Hell, half of us children of the 80's played with them as children. They made cool hats.
What's next? Instructions for watching a movie? Step 1 is to sit down and step 2 is to look at the screen. Taking your shopping out of the bag? Step 1: Open the end that isn't sealed shut. It's getting ridiculous. The problem that I have with these instructions isn't just because some company thinks I'm a complete idiot. It's also due to the fact that these companies are spitting in the face of natural selection. If we continue to dumb down everything, then eventually the world will become overrun with idiots that should have never made it that far. If you're dumb enough to click on submit 50 times and you pay your bill 50 times and drain your account, then you don't deserve to get your money back. You're an idiot and the company you're paying should just say "Well, thanks for the money. Better luck next time!" If you can't figure out to turn the pages of a magazine on your own, then you probably shouldn't be trying to read anyways. Get back to cleaning the toilet that I just destroyed with my Java Monster fuelled dump. And for fucks sake if you don't know how to use a ziploc bag, then you obviously have nothing worth storing in one. There needs to be a panel of people with different I.Q.s from 90 and higher that companies run their products by. If they can hand a product to a person with an I.Q. of 90 and they figure out how to use it, then no instructions are necessary. If only the people with an I.Q. of 130 or higher can figure it out, then they can put instructions on it. For those people 90 and under...it's time to get smart or die trying.
Monday, 15 June 2009
BAD MAN IN THE VILLAGE
This must be something Wiley can relate to... In his VERY BIG HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY!!!
MJ's and Lil Kim's Love Child
This is what MJ's and Lil Kim's Love Child would look like. Excessive plastic surgery mixed with silicon leakage equals mutation. Or so I would like to believe.
Its Official... Abramovich wins the Biggest Yacht/Penis Extension Contest.
Russian billionaire and Chelsea soccer club owner Roman Abramovich has taken delivery of his brand spanking new £215 million mega-yacht. Yawn, you say? You have two? OK, well, this yacht has its own submarine. And armour plating with bulletproof glass. And little boats that fit inside the bigger boat. And a frickin' missile defense system that will alert he and his crew of 70 former SAS soldiers that there be pirates in those waters. It should be noted that Abramovich's other yachts—the 377 ft. Pelorus, 282ft Ecstasea and 160ft Sussurro—all pale in comparison to the 550 ft. Eclipse, and do not include missile detection systems. You can never be too safe, right?
The Eclipse, so named because Abramovich desires that it overshadow all other boats at sea, also includes an escape submarine, just in case pirates or other rapscallions make it on board. The submarine seats two, so Abramovich and his gorgeous girlfriend Daria Zhukova, 26, can make a hasty flight to safer waters (or go down to 160 ft. deep) while his hired guns secure the decks.
Abramovich's Eclipse will also have room for 24 guests, a cinema, aquarium, disco and a hospital. But no weapons—under maritime law, private vessels are banned from carrying them. Hence, the yellow submarine action and missile defences that border on paranoia.
Post courtesy of the Daily Star
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Have you ever wondered what happened to the Lil Superstar Midget? Find out here!
This Video is ALOT!!
Now here he is many years later.
MTV CRIBS - AFRICA EDITION
This video has my ass in stitches, but at the same time is kinda sad. This dude really lives like this.
He really has to flush is outdoor toilet/hole in the ground with a cup of water!
He really has to live with that tacky novelty fish you see in the first 10 second of the vid.
He really lacks a local Supermarket and has to slaughter his own 'pets' for his DINNER.
At least he has something we all lack.... HIGH LIFE SHERRY!
Fuck Patron, LP, Ace of Spades, Moet, X O... All that shit is now redundant due to being common as fuck..
I'm doing the Nas/Belly ting and I'm off to Africa to holla at that man.
HIGH LIFE here I come!
Friday, 12 June 2009
8, 3, 1 by Guest Writer ☆Caroline☆ Gbolade
8, 3, 1 is what you told me, just three weeks before you step out the door. If I had known what the future held for us, then I would have said it even more. It seems like only yesterday, we made a committed oath, saying our vow’s making our parents proud, as they looked at us with aspiration and hope.
Who would have known that was to be, would be the start of a brand new life.
Without you hear I’m institutionalized in fear, knowing that I will never see your face, no other man will ever take your place.
8, 3, 1, my dear for your foot prints will never be too far away, side by side you’ll walk with me throughout the depths of my life.
8, 3, 1, 8 letters 3 words one meaning, and I believe in ever lasting love, beyond all feeling. You’re my jam to my doughnut, my hazel to my walnut.
And you’ll always know that, 8, 3, 1 a thousand times and more, from the tips to my fingers to the twinkle in my eye and the beaming beat of my heart.
So as I end this poem like you ended our last goodbye, 8, 3, 1 always and forever till the day I die.
Written By Caroline Gbolade Copy right protected 2008
Who would have known that was to be, would be the start of a brand new life.
Without you hear I’m institutionalized in fear, knowing that I will never see your face, no other man will ever take your place.
8, 3, 1, my dear for your foot prints will never be too far away, side by side you’ll walk with me throughout the depths of my life.
8, 3, 1, 8 letters 3 words one meaning, and I believe in ever lasting love, beyond all feeling. You’re my jam to my doughnut, my hazel to my walnut.
And you’ll always know that, 8, 3, 1 a thousand times and more, from the tips to my fingers to the twinkle in my eye and the beaming beat of my heart.
So as I end this poem like you ended our last goodbye, 8, 3, 1 always and forever till the day I die.
Written By Caroline Gbolade Copy right protected 2008
How Well Do You Know...
It didn't take long for the next trend of narcissistic douchebaggery to hit Facebook. I'm talking, of course, about the "How well do you know..." quizzes that I am seeing spring up on a daily basis. It never fails that every time I login to my Facebook account, I get to see that someone else I know has created a quiz wanting to test me on how well I know them. Not since "25 random things about me" has the Facebook population been subjected to this level of "look at me" syndrome.
Let's break it down, shall we? Person A decides that it's time to find out who their real friends are by creating a quiz called "How well do you know Person A?" Then they invite their friends to take the quiz so that their "friends" can then be judged accordingly by how well they know Person A based on a series of ridiculous questions. I congratulate the people responsible for creating this quiz and give them much respect. It finally lets me ask my friends the burning questions that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them without that magic Internet barrier between us. So many times I've wanted to ask a friend "What's my favourite book?" so that I can then decide whether or not to keep them as a friend. But as you can see, asking such a question face to face would be awkward and thankfully, with the power of Facebook, I can now judge my friends.
You see, this quiz has everything wrong. Friendships are not made from people liking the same things. They are made from sharing the same hatred for things. I could ask my friends what my favourite book, colour, restaurant, movie, porn mag or church is and just because they score low percentages, doesn't make them a bad friend. However, if I ask them what band I currently hate, they will know that it's the Jonas Brothers. Why? Because we both hate them the same and that's why we're good friends! We may have drastic differences in music, but we will always agree on hating the shitty bands. It is the hatred for things that creates the eternal bonds of friendship. If I give them my "hate" quiz and they score low, THEN we might have problems.
The second thing wrong with this quiz is that it's asking you to answer questions about someone you don't really know that well. Almost 50% of anyone's friends on Facebook are people they went to school with and haven't seen since. So now I have to answer questions about what their favourite movie is by basing it off of their secondary school self. Things change and people change. Let's see, what is his favourite activity? Well, in school he was on the school football team, so I guess I will answer "playing sports" and hope that I'm right. Oh, what's that? The answer was "smoking meth"? Well, fuck me! I didn't know he turned into a drug addict. Alright, I'm 0/1. OK, what is his favourite fast food restaurant? Yo, back in the day, he loved Burger King so that's what I'm going to answer. Shit! His answer was the bins behind Burger King where he eats and gives out hand jobs for £3. How the hell does this guy even have a Facebook page?! Now I'm 0/2. Alright what is his most prized possession? It's gotta be his gold medal from sports day. Oh, it's the laptop he stole from someone at the Starbucks where he eats day old muffins out of the bin. So that's how he has a Facebook account. 0/3 fuck!
The truth is that nobody cares what your favourite movie or TV show is. The don't give a shit that you watch Britain's Got Talent. They really don't care that your favourite colour is blue. They just don't care. Does that make them a shitty friend? No. Change your quiz to yes or no answers. Ask your friends if they would ever help you bury a body or let you hide out at their place until the heat dies down. Ask them if they would come pick you up when your stupid ass ran out of petrol or if they would talk you out of sleeping with the girl at the bar with herpes on her lip that you're too drunk to see. If they answer yes to those questions, then you've got yourself a real friend. If they answer no, then you know not to call them in the event of an emergency because they're not dependable.
As for me, well, my quiz is a little simpler. It only has 1 question:
1. If you create a "How well do you know me?" quiz and ask me to participate, I will:
A. Answer the quiz and score badly.
B. Ignore the quiz.
C. Remove you from my friends and never speak to you again.
D. Answer the quiz and get a perfect score.
Any answer other than C. and they get removed from my friends for not knowing me at all.
Let's break it down, shall we? Person A decides that it's time to find out who their real friends are by creating a quiz called "How well do you know Person A?" Then they invite their friends to take the quiz so that their "friends" can then be judged accordingly by how well they know Person A based on a series of ridiculous questions. I congratulate the people responsible for creating this quiz and give them much respect. It finally lets me ask my friends the burning questions that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them without that magic Internet barrier between us. So many times I've wanted to ask a friend "What's my favourite book?" so that I can then decide whether or not to keep them as a friend. But as you can see, asking such a question face to face would be awkward and thankfully, with the power of Facebook, I can now judge my friends.
You see, this quiz has everything wrong. Friendships are not made from people liking the same things. They are made from sharing the same hatred for things. I could ask my friends what my favourite book, colour, restaurant, movie, porn mag or church is and just because they score low percentages, doesn't make them a bad friend. However, if I ask them what band I currently hate, they will know that it's the Jonas Brothers. Why? Because we both hate them the same and that's why we're good friends! We may have drastic differences in music, but we will always agree on hating the shitty bands. It is the hatred for things that creates the eternal bonds of friendship. If I give them my "hate" quiz and they score low, THEN we might have problems.
The second thing wrong with this quiz is that it's asking you to answer questions about someone you don't really know that well. Almost 50% of anyone's friends on Facebook are people they went to school with and haven't seen since. So now I have to answer questions about what their favourite movie is by basing it off of their secondary school self. Things change and people change. Let's see, what is his favourite activity? Well, in school he was on the school football team, so I guess I will answer "playing sports" and hope that I'm right. Oh, what's that? The answer was "smoking meth"? Well, fuck me! I didn't know he turned into a drug addict. Alright, I'm 0/1. OK, what is his favourite fast food restaurant? Yo, back in the day, he loved Burger King so that's what I'm going to answer. Shit! His answer was the bins behind Burger King where he eats and gives out hand jobs for £3. How the hell does this guy even have a Facebook page?! Now I'm 0/2. Alright what is his most prized possession? It's gotta be his gold medal from sports day. Oh, it's the laptop he stole from someone at the Starbucks where he eats day old muffins out of the bin. So that's how he has a Facebook account. 0/3 fuck!
The truth is that nobody cares what your favourite movie or TV show is. The don't give a shit that you watch Britain's Got Talent. They really don't care that your favourite colour is blue. They just don't care. Does that make them a shitty friend? No. Change your quiz to yes or no answers. Ask your friends if they would ever help you bury a body or let you hide out at their place until the heat dies down. Ask them if they would come pick you up when your stupid ass ran out of petrol or if they would talk you out of sleeping with the girl at the bar with herpes on her lip that you're too drunk to see. If they answer yes to those questions, then you've got yourself a real friend. If they answer no, then you know not to call them in the event of an emergency because they're not dependable.
As for me, well, my quiz is a little simpler. It only has 1 question:
1. If you create a "How well do you know me?" quiz and ask me to participate, I will:
A. Answer the quiz and score badly.
B. Ignore the quiz.
C. Remove you from my friends and never speak to you again.
D. Answer the quiz and get a perfect score.
Any answer other than C. and they get removed from my friends for not knowing me at all.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Nigerian iPhone App Banned from App Store By Brian Briggs
Lagos, Nigeria - Nigerian philanthropist Esenam Ayele has created an iPhone application to help his philanthropic efforts, but Apple has repeatedly rejected it.
The app called Simple Charitable App: to the Max (SCAM), asks a set of questions of the user like "Do you need money?" and "Can I trust that you'll do good acts with your money?" When the user completes the short questionnaire they are then prompted to enter their bank account information so money from Ayele can be deposited.
"I know with the faltering economy around the world that more and more people are in need of my help, especially people tied into expensive iPhone contracts. That's why I've created an iPhone app, but Apple won't allow it in the App Store," said Ayele. "I don't know why Apple is giving me such a hard time. They approve things like iFart, but my charitable application doesn't get approved? I think Steve Jobs is in cahoots with Bill Gates to keep Bill the top philanthropist."
Ayele feels that if only his application would be approved that he could restart the economy on his own without any need of a stimulus package from the United States Congress.
"I'm out to change the reputation of Nigerians. We're not all out to take your money. That's why I started the Society of Charitable African Millionaires to get the word out, and why I continue to flood email boxes with offers of help. If I only help .01% of the people I email, it still warms my heart," said Ayele.
Ayele has often been confused with Nigerian scammers who fool unsuspecting idiots into giving them money. Ayele has words of advice for those thinking of giving their bank account information to scammers, "Don't be stupid. If you're not using SCAM on the iPhone, or the email doesn't have the SCAM seal of approval then you're probably getting ripped off."
Ayele said that if his iPhone app doesn't get approved he may have to resort to dropping bags of cash from helicopters.
The app called Simple Charitable App: to the Max (SCAM), asks a set of questions of the user like "Do you need money?" and "Can I trust that you'll do good acts with your money?" When the user completes the short questionnaire they are then prompted to enter their bank account information so money from Ayele can be deposited.
"I know with the faltering economy around the world that more and more people are in need of my help, especially people tied into expensive iPhone contracts. That's why I've created an iPhone app, but Apple won't allow it in the App Store," said Ayele. "I don't know why Apple is giving me such a hard time. They approve things like iFart, but my charitable application doesn't get approved? I think Steve Jobs is in cahoots with Bill Gates to keep Bill the top philanthropist."
Ayele feels that if only his application would be approved that he could restart the economy on his own without any need of a stimulus package from the United States Congress.
"I'm out to change the reputation of Nigerians. We're not all out to take your money. That's why I started the Society of Charitable African Millionaires to get the word out, and why I continue to flood email boxes with offers of help. If I only help .01% of the people I email, it still warms my heart," said Ayele.
Ayele has often been confused with Nigerian scammers who fool unsuspecting idiots into giving them money. Ayele has words of advice for those thinking of giving their bank account information to scammers, "Don't be stupid. If you're not using SCAM on the iPhone, or the email doesn't have the SCAM seal of approval then you're probably getting ripped off."
Ayele said that if his iPhone app doesn't get approved he may have to resort to dropping bags of cash from helicopters.
Next time a Cash Machine eats your Card, remember.. There is an alternative!
It’s one of the most frustrating things in the world. Going out on a Friday or Saturday night and all out of cash money. Then, when you hit up the Cash Machine it says you don’t have sufficient funds. You’re halfway to that bae and there’s no friggin' way your going to stop now. Time for drastic action. All you need are about 20 of your closest homies to help you out.
Mc Hammer gets Dissed in front of his Son
Am I the only one who would of lost the damn plot on that witch?
Hammer handled it well though..
The 10 Most Ridiculous Rapper Chains
Rappers love their BLING. Some rappers don't even have their own homes but as long as the ice is right, it's all gravy like Fat Joe's dinner table. I've seen some nice rapper chains...but I've also seen a lot of terrible ones. More often than not rappers seem to buy chains for reaction rather than thinking "is this something I'll actually wear a week from now?" Here are the 10 most ridiculous rapper chains.
10. YUNG BERG
Berg's chain wasn't the worst looking one around, but I just don't understand why this guy has (or should I say had) a Transformers symbol around his neck? Was he in the movie? I used to like to watch The Flintstones but I also have a grip on reality and don't need an iced out Barney. If you love a certain cartoon tell people on Facebook...not your neck.
9. YUNG JOC
Yung Joc's chain says "Hustlenomics." It could also seriously injure a baby. The worst thing about this chain is just how big and terrible it looks...kinda just like a chunky of random metal hanging off his neck. The person wearing it doesn't help the situation either. The "H" is for horrible.
8. GUCCI MANE
Cowabullshit. Why would a grown ass man want this chain? Isn't your chain supposed to impress women? Imagine sexin' a chick with Bart Simpson hangin' on her baby feeders? Yeah sure Bart's happy but you look like a dick.
7. GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Yes Ghostface used to wear a dinner plate around his neck...he also used to wear a gigantic eagle on his arm. And while the plate does look ridiculous, it also opened the door for everyone to rock chains. Hit your mum's china cabinet, get some rope and your in business. Even little Ghostface rocked it:
6. VERBAL FROM THE TERIYAKI BOYZ
"Ya colors too bright." Not too sure what to say about this one. It looks like someone shitted out coloured diamonds and this is what happened. It's not that surprising since the guy is wearing 3-D glasses. I'd need to be in a drug induced coma to wear this.
5. RICK ROSS
Unless you ARE Jesus Christ, don't do this. The worst part is that some people probably mistake it for Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince wearing sunglasses. The question remains: Are those sunglasses iced out Ricky is rockin' real or fake?
4. BUSTA RHYMES
If you are gonna drop serious cash money on a chain, make sure it doesn't look like it was a 2 for 1 special at the flea market. This shit is just plain ugly. The "Map Of New York City" portion on top looks like it would break off mad easy and the colours give New York City a sort of Fruity Pebbles vibe. I hope Busta kept the receipt.
3. T-PAIN
* NOTE - T-Pain started off as a rapper and still raps. He counts... kinda
According to T-Pain on Twitter, this chain cost him $410,000. I'm pretty sure there are kids in Ethiopia right now playing darts with a picture of Teddy P. I get the joke. It's a big ass chain and it says "Big Ass Chain." Hilarious. You know what else is funny? How fuckin' dumb it looks.
2. SEAN KINGSTON
There are so many things to dislike about Sean Kingston that it makes it challenging to just focus on the chain. That being said, I'm going do my best. First of all why? Does anyone look at this and go "yo Sean that is dope man." He's lucky those crayons don't come out the box 'cause if he wore this around me I'd go straight colouring book status on his eyes.
1. SKOOL BOY
I don't know who the fuck Skool Boy is but I do know he has the most ridiculous chain I've ever seen. Look, I love spicy chicken wings but you don't see me with an iced out 10 piece around my neck do you? I'd imagine even the person he bought this from looked at him like "n*gga is you crazy?" It has gotta be rough when your chain has more buzz than you.
Watchmen: The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!
Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Wait! Don’t kill me! I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.
(bleeds)
Okay, ready.
RABID FANBOIS
Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.
The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window. This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY, wearing a mask made of AMAZON KINDLE ELECTRONIC INK, investigates JEFFREY’S APARTMENT and discovers he was the masked vigilante THE COMEDIAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY (V.O.)
(growling)
Jackie’s Journal: A comedian died tonight. And I’m not talking about a Carlos Mencia performance. Someone is going around killing masked heroes, and I’m going to find out who sometime within the next three excruciating hours. Hope everyone went to the bathroom already.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE meets up with PATRICK WILSON in his secret hideout.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Patrick, someone is killing superheros, so you should watch your back.
PATRICK WILSON
Any particular reason you’re whispering as loudly as possible?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I just finished watching The Dark Knight. This is how superheroes talk, isn’t it?
PATRICK WILSON
Fair enough. I pretty much stole my costume from that movie. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about the superhero killer coming after me. I haven’t worn my superhero costume since masked vigilantism was outlawed in the totally alternate 1970’s! Everything is so alternate here!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I know! And New Coke was never released after Pepsi got the superhero endorsement!
PATRICK WILSON
Ohmigod so alternate!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Not to mention how Microsoft skipped over Windows 1.0 and went straight to Windows ME!
PATRICK WILSON
My mind is blown, holy shit alternate reality!
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
JACKIE breaks into a MILITARY RESEARCH FACILITY to meet with BILLY CRUDUP and MALIN AKERMAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Hey. Nice to see you again, fellow superheroes.
MALIN AKERMAN
Fellow superheroes? The only one of us with any goddamn powers is Billy.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
That’s not true. My mask changes patterns randomly for some reason, that’s kind of like a power. And what about your power to still have a career after starring in The Heartbreak Kid?
BILLY CRUDUP
Enough chit-chat. I have very important work to do with this nuclear something-or-other. What do you want, Jackie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.
BILLY CRUDUP
If only you could perceive my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Yeah, that actually sounds like some kind of hell. Anyway, I came by to find out if you had any idea who was murdering Watchmen.
BILLY CRUDUP
Isn’t it obvious? Zack Snyder.
JACKIE leaves to go do some brooding elsewhere while MALIN visits her mother, CARLA GUGINO.
INT. CARLA GUGINO’S HOUSE
MALIN is teleported to her MOTHER’S HOUSE.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, I came here to tell you that Jeffery Dean Morgan is dead.
CARLA GUGINO
Mom? We’re like the same age. My “old person makeup” looks worse than Adam Sandler’s from Click. Are people buying this?
MALIN AKERMAN
Did you hear me? That asshole The Comedian is dead. The guy that raped you! That’s right, RAPED! In a comic book movie! Because the one thing missing from Spiderman was some FUCKING RAPE.
CARLA GUGINO
He wasn’t so bad. He only raped me because it was such a simple way to establish that this comic book story is for adults.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, there’s no such thing as comics for adults. There are just comics for kids and comics for kids that they have to hide from their parents because they contain drawings of boobs.
Meanwhile, various SUPERHEROES attend the funeral of JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN and treat the audience to a handful of flashbacks including MATTHEW GOODE’s formation of the WATCHMEN, society’s revolt against vigilantism, and this one time in Vietnam where JEFFREY was replaced by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
Later, BILLY CRUDUP, BILLY CRUDUP, and BILLY CRUDUP are all having sex with MALIN AKERMAN. Suddenly, she stops him.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the… why are there three versions of you having sex with me?
BILLY CRUDUP
What? I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.
MALIN AKERMAN
Well, of course I do, but still… that was easily the third strangest group sex I’ve ever had.
MALIN notices another copy of BILLY working on his nuclear THINGAMAJIG.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the fuck? You’re working in here too? Why did you even say you wanted to have sex if you would have rather worked?
BILLY CRUDUP
It’s not like that, Malin. I definitely needed to get laid. After all… I’ve got blue balls.
MALIN AKERMAN
…
BILLY CRUDUP
Hey-oooo!
MALIN AKERMAN
Ugh. I’m leaving you, Billy.
BILLY CRUDUP
Please don’t dump me, Malin. It would make me so… blue. Eh? Eh?
MALIN leaves to go see PATRICK WILSON. Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE EARLE HALEY returns to PATRICK WILSON’S LAIR.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I think I’ve figured out who killed Jeffrey.
PATRICK WILSON
Oh? Let me guess. It would have to be one of the main superheroes to have any impact. He didn’t glow blue, he was too tall to be Malin, and it couldn’t have been either of us. Must be that douchebag Matthew Goode. That was easy, did that take you the entire movie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
… God dammit. Jackie’s Journal: Patrick Wilson is a dick.
JACKIE and PATRICK fly to MATTHEW GOODE’S FORTRESS OF SMARMITUDE using a SHIP SHAPED LIKE E.T.’S HEAD.
INT. MATTHEW GOODE’S HIDEOUT
JACKIE and PATRICK enter MATTHEW’S HIDEOUT.
MATTHEW GOODE
Welcome to my fortress, fellow do-gooders!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Cut the crap, Matthew. We know you killed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
MATTHEW GOODE
But of course! Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?
PATRICK WILSON
Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?
MATTHEW GOODE
Who, Mr. Meowkins? He’s my pet.
PATRICK WILSON
Right. I figured that. But it’s kind of distracting, don’t you think you should at least explain–
MATTHEW GOODE
My evil plot? Certainly! You see, people are heading toward nuclear annihilation. What I’m doing is detonating energy bombs all over the world, which will look like the work of Billy Crudup. Then, rather than destroy each other, all of the nations of the world will unite after this tragedy, ushering in an era of world peace that will probably last five or six years.
PATRICK WILSON
You mean to tell me that you believe that if people thought that Billy Crudup, the very tool by which the United States exercised it’s power over other nations, were responsible for destroying cities all over the world, that the world’s response would be to join hands with us rather than unite to kill us for creating the problem that led to their demise?
MATTHEW GOODE
Ummm…
PATRICK WILSON
And you’re supposedly “the smartest man alive.” Smarter than the guy that can see time.
MATTHEW GOODE
Look, it’s better than the thing with the squid.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Alright, you know what time it is?
MATTHEW GOODE
One minute to midnight on the cheesy doomsday clock symbol?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
No, time for a slow motion fight scene!
They all FIGHT in SLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOTTTIIOONNN. THENSUDDENLYFASTMOTION! Then SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MOOOOTTIIIIOOONNNN AAAGGGAAIIIINNNN.
PATRICK WILSON
Can we hurry this along? I’m getting really sweaty in this thing and my costume is starting to smell like baked asshair.
Suddenly, BILLY and MALIN teleport onto the scene.
MATTHEW GOODE
Ah, Billy, glad you could join us. I was just telling the rest of the gang about how I’m framing you for murdering thousands.
BILLY CRUDUP
It doesn’t matter. Humans have the same number of particles whether living or dead.
MATTHEW GOODE
What? That’s not accurate at all. Think about that for a second. That’s like saying humans consist of the same number of particles whether full or starving.
BILLY CRUDUP
Either way, I don’t value human life, so do whatever you want.
(pause)
Actually, I value human life now. I can’t let you destroy so many lives.
(pause)
Upon further reflection, I value life, but I’m not going to stop your plan. I’ll just teleport out of here and go create some life myself.
(teleports)
*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***
CITIES all across the world are VAPORIZED. It’s DEPRESSING, just like the COMIC BOOK. The movie tries to end on a high note, but FAILS.
ZACK SNYDER
I did it! Alan Moore said Watchmen was “inherently unfilmable” but I pulled it off! Not so bad, was it Alan Moore?
ALAN MOORE
Film is an inferior form of art, spoon-feeding audience goers and watering down our collective cultural imagination. This movie was garbage, as are all movies.
ZACK SNYDER
Dude. You write comic books. Stop acting like you’re fucking Monet, you pretentious jackass.
The RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.
END
INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!
Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Wait! Don’t kill me! I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.
(bleeds)
Okay, ready.
RABID FANBOIS
Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.
The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window. This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY, wearing a mask made of AMAZON KINDLE ELECTRONIC INK, investigates JEFFREY’S APARTMENT and discovers he was the masked vigilante THE COMEDIAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY (V.O.)
(growling)
Jackie’s Journal: A comedian died tonight. And I’m not talking about a Carlos Mencia performance. Someone is going around killing masked heroes, and I’m going to find out who sometime within the next three excruciating hours. Hope everyone went to the bathroom already.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE meets up with PATRICK WILSON in his secret hideout.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Patrick, someone is killing superheros, so you should watch your back.
PATRICK WILSON
Any particular reason you’re whispering as loudly as possible?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I just finished watching The Dark Knight. This is how superheroes talk, isn’t it?
PATRICK WILSON
Fair enough. I pretty much stole my costume from that movie. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about the superhero killer coming after me. I haven’t worn my superhero costume since masked vigilantism was outlawed in the totally alternate 1970’s! Everything is so alternate here!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I know! And New Coke was never released after Pepsi got the superhero endorsement!
PATRICK WILSON
Ohmigod so alternate!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Not to mention how Microsoft skipped over Windows 1.0 and went straight to Windows ME!
PATRICK WILSON
My mind is blown, holy shit alternate reality!
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
JACKIE breaks into a MILITARY RESEARCH FACILITY to meet with BILLY CRUDUP and MALIN AKERMAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Hey. Nice to see you again, fellow superheroes.
MALIN AKERMAN
Fellow superheroes? The only one of us with any goddamn powers is Billy.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
That’s not true. My mask changes patterns randomly for some reason, that’s kind of like a power. And what about your power to still have a career after starring in The Heartbreak Kid?
BILLY CRUDUP
Enough chit-chat. I have very important work to do with this nuclear something-or-other. What do you want, Jackie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.
BILLY CRUDUP
If only you could perceive my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Yeah, that actually sounds like some kind of hell. Anyway, I came by to find out if you had any idea who was murdering Watchmen.
BILLY CRUDUP
Isn’t it obvious? Zack Snyder.
JACKIE leaves to go do some brooding elsewhere while MALIN visits her mother, CARLA GUGINO.
INT. CARLA GUGINO’S HOUSE
MALIN is teleported to her MOTHER’S HOUSE.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, I came here to tell you that Jeffery Dean Morgan is dead.
CARLA GUGINO
Mom? We’re like the same age. My “old person makeup” looks worse than Adam Sandler’s from Click. Are people buying this?
MALIN AKERMAN
Did you hear me? That asshole The Comedian is dead. The guy that raped you! That’s right, RAPED! In a comic book movie! Because the one thing missing from Spiderman was some FUCKING RAPE.
CARLA GUGINO
He wasn’t so bad. He only raped me because it was such a simple way to establish that this comic book story is for adults.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, there’s no such thing as comics for adults. There are just comics for kids and comics for kids that they have to hide from their parents because they contain drawings of boobs.
Meanwhile, various SUPERHEROES attend the funeral of JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN and treat the audience to a handful of flashbacks including MATTHEW GOODE’s formation of the WATCHMEN, society’s revolt against vigilantism, and this one time in Vietnam where JEFFREY was replaced by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
Later, BILLY CRUDUP, BILLY CRUDUP, and BILLY CRUDUP are all having sex with MALIN AKERMAN. Suddenly, she stops him.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the… why are there three versions of you having sex with me?
BILLY CRUDUP
What? I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.
MALIN AKERMAN
Well, of course I do, but still… that was easily the third strangest group sex I’ve ever had.
MALIN notices another copy of BILLY working on his nuclear THINGAMAJIG.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the fuck? You’re working in here too? Why did you even say you wanted to have sex if you would have rather worked?
BILLY CRUDUP
It’s not like that, Malin. I definitely needed to get laid. After all… I’ve got blue balls.
MALIN AKERMAN
…
BILLY CRUDUP
Hey-oooo!
MALIN AKERMAN
Ugh. I’m leaving you, Billy.
BILLY CRUDUP
Please don’t dump me, Malin. It would make me so… blue. Eh? Eh?
MALIN leaves to go see PATRICK WILSON. Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE EARLE HALEY returns to PATRICK WILSON’S LAIR.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I think I’ve figured out who killed Jeffrey.
PATRICK WILSON
Oh? Let me guess. It would have to be one of the main superheroes to have any impact. He didn’t glow blue, he was too tall to be Malin, and it couldn’t have been either of us. Must be that douchebag Matthew Goode. That was easy, did that take you the entire movie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
… God dammit. Jackie’s Journal: Patrick Wilson is a dick.
JACKIE and PATRICK fly to MATTHEW GOODE’S FORTRESS OF SMARMITUDE using a SHIP SHAPED LIKE E.T.’S HEAD.
INT. MATTHEW GOODE’S HIDEOUT
JACKIE and PATRICK enter MATTHEW’S HIDEOUT.
MATTHEW GOODE
Welcome to my fortress, fellow do-gooders!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Cut the crap, Matthew. We know you killed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
MATTHEW GOODE
But of course! Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?
PATRICK WILSON
Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?
MATTHEW GOODE
Who, Mr. Meowkins? He’s my pet.
PATRICK WILSON
Right. I figured that. But it’s kind of distracting, don’t you think you should at least explain–
MATTHEW GOODE
My evil plot? Certainly! You see, people are heading toward nuclear annihilation. What I’m doing is detonating energy bombs all over the world, which will look like the work of Billy Crudup. Then, rather than destroy each other, all of the nations of the world will unite after this tragedy, ushering in an era of world peace that will probably last five or six years.
PATRICK WILSON
You mean to tell me that you believe that if people thought that Billy Crudup, the very tool by which the United States exercised it’s power over other nations, were responsible for destroying cities all over the world, that the world’s response would be to join hands with us rather than unite to kill us for creating the problem that led to their demise?
MATTHEW GOODE
Ummm…
PATRICK WILSON
And you’re supposedly “the smartest man alive.” Smarter than the guy that can see time.
MATTHEW GOODE
Look, it’s better than the thing with the squid.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Alright, you know what time it is?
MATTHEW GOODE
One minute to midnight on the cheesy doomsday clock symbol?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
No, time for a slow motion fight scene!
They all FIGHT in SLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOTTTIIOONNN. THENSUDDENLYFASTMOTION! Then SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MOOOOTTIIIIOOONNNN AAAGGGAAIIIINNNN.
PATRICK WILSON
Can we hurry this along? I’m getting really sweaty in this thing and my costume is starting to smell like baked asshair.
Suddenly, BILLY and MALIN teleport onto the scene.
MATTHEW GOODE
Ah, Billy, glad you could join us. I was just telling the rest of the gang about how I’m framing you for murdering thousands.
BILLY CRUDUP
It doesn’t matter. Humans have the same number of particles whether living or dead.
MATTHEW GOODE
What? That’s not accurate at all. Think about that for a second. That’s like saying humans consist of the same number of particles whether full or starving.
BILLY CRUDUP
Either way, I don’t value human life, so do whatever you want.
(pause)
Actually, I value human life now. I can’t let you destroy so many lives.
(pause)
Upon further reflection, I value life, but I’m not going to stop your plan. I’ll just teleport out of here and go create some life myself.
(teleports)
*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***
CITIES all across the world are VAPORIZED. It’s DEPRESSING, just like the COMIC BOOK. The movie tries to end on a high note, but FAILS.
ZACK SNYDER
I did it! Alan Moore said Watchmen was “inherently unfilmable” but I pulled it off! Not so bad, was it Alan Moore?
ALAN MOORE
Film is an inferior form of art, spoon-feeding audience goers and watering down our collective cultural imagination. This movie was garbage, as are all movies.
ZACK SNYDER
Dude. You write comic books. Stop acting like you’re fucking Monet, you pretentious jackass.
The RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.
END
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