Watchmen: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!

Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Wait! Don’t kill me! I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.

(bleeds)

Okay, ready.

RABID FANBOIS

Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.

The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window. This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.


JACKIE EARLE HALEY, wearing a mask made of AMAZON KINDLE ELECTRONIC INK, investigates JEFFREY’S APARTMENT and discovers he was the masked vigilante THE COMEDIAN.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY (V.O.)

(growling)

Jackie’s Journal: A comedian died tonight. And I’m not talking about a Carlos Mencia performance. Someone is going around killing masked heroes, and I’m going to find out who sometime within the next three excruciating hours. Hope everyone went to the bathroom already.

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR

JACKIE meets up with PATRICK WILSON in his secret hideout.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Patrick, someone is killing superheros, so you should watch your back.

PATRICK WILSON

Any particular reason you’re whispering as loudly as possible?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I just finished watching The Dark Knight. This is how superheroes talk, isn’t it?

PATRICK WILSON

Fair enough. I pretty much stole my costume from that movie. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about the superhero killer coming after me. I haven’t worn my superhero costume since masked vigilantism was outlawed in the totally alternate 1970’s! Everything is so alternate here!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I know! And New Coke was never released after Pepsi got the superhero endorsement!

PATRICK WILSON

Ohmigod so alternate!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Not to mention how Microsoft skipped over Windows 1.0 and went straight to Windows ME!

PATRICK WILSON

My mind is blown, holy shit alternate reality!

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY

JACKIE breaks into a MILITARY RESEARCH FACILITY to meet with BILLY CRUDUP and MALIN AKERMAN.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Hey. Nice to see you again, fellow superheroes.

MALIN AKERMAN

Fellow superheroes? The only one of us with any goddamn powers is Billy.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

That’s not true. My mask changes patterns randomly for some reason, that’s kind of like a power. And what about your power to still have a career after starring in The Heartbreak Kid?

BILLY CRUDUP

Enough chit-chat. I have very important work to do with this nuclear something-or-other. What do you want, Jackie?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.

BILLY CRUDUP

If only you could perceive my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Yeah, that actually sounds like some kind of hell. Anyway, I came by to find out if you had any idea who was murdering Watchmen.

BILLY CRUDUP

Isn’t it obvious? Zack Snyder.

JACKIE leaves to go do some brooding elsewhere while MALIN visits her mother, CARLA GUGINO.

INT. CARLA GUGINO’S HOUSE

MALIN is teleported to her MOTHER’S HOUSE.

MALIN AKERMAN

Mom, I came here to tell you that Jeffery Dean Morgan is dead.

CARLA GUGINO

Mom? We’re like the same age. My “old person makeup” looks worse than Adam Sandler’s from Click. Are people buying this?

MALIN AKERMAN

Did you hear me? That asshole The Comedian is dead. The guy that raped you! That’s right, RAPED! In a comic book movie! Because the one thing missing from Spiderman was some FUCKING RAPE.

CARLA GUGINO

He wasn’t so bad. He only raped me because it was such a simple way to establish that this comic book story is for adults.

MALIN AKERMAN

Mom, there’s no such thing as comics for adults. There are just comics for kids and comics for kids that they have to hide from their parents because they contain drawings of boobs.

Meanwhile, various SUPERHEROES attend the funeral of JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN and treat the audience to a handful of flashbacks including MATTHEW GOODE’s formation of the WATCHMEN, society’s revolt against vigilantism, and this one time in Vietnam where JEFFREY was replaced by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY

Later, BILLY CRUDUP, BILLY CRUDUP, and BILLY CRUDUP are all having sex with MALIN AKERMAN. Suddenly, she stops him.

MALIN AKERMAN

What the… why are there three versions of you having sex with me?

BILLY CRUDUP

What? I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.

MALIN AKERMAN

Well, of course I do, but still… that was easily the third strangest group sex I’ve ever had.

MALIN notices another copy of BILLY working on his nuclear THINGAMAJIG.

MALIN AKERMAN

What the fuck? You’re working in here too? Why did you even say you wanted to have sex if you would have rather worked?

BILLY CRUDUP

It’s not like that, Malin. I definitely needed to get laid. After all… I’ve got blue balls.

MALIN AKERMAN

…

BILLY CRUDUP

Hey-oooo!

MALIN AKERMAN

Ugh. I’m leaving you, Billy.

BILLY CRUDUP

Please don’t dump me, Malin. It would make me so… blue. Eh? Eh?

MALIN leaves to go see PATRICK WILSON. Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR

JACKIE EARLE HALEY returns to PATRICK WILSON’S LAIR.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I think I’ve figured out who killed Jeffrey.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh? Let me guess. It would have to be one of the main superheroes to have any impact. He didn’t glow blue, he was too tall to be Malin, and it couldn’t have been either of us. Must be that douchebag Matthew Goode. That was easy, did that take you the entire movie?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

… God dammit. Jackie’s Journal: Patrick Wilson is a dick.

JACKIE and PATRICK fly to MATTHEW GOODE’S FORTRESS OF SMARMITUDE using a SHIP SHAPED LIKE E.T.’S HEAD.

INT. MATTHEW GOODE’S HIDEOUT

JACKIE and PATRICK enter MATTHEW’S HIDEOUT.

MATTHEW GOODE

Welcome to my fortress, fellow do-gooders!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Cut the crap, Matthew. We know you killed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

MATTHEW GOODE

But of course! Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?

PATRICK WILSON

Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?

MATTHEW GOODE

Who, Mr. Meowkins? He’s my pet.

PATRICK WILSON

Right. I figured that. But it’s kind of distracting, don’t you think you should at least explain–

MATTHEW GOODE

My evil plot? Certainly! You see, people are heading toward nuclear annihilation. What I’m doing is detonating energy bombs all over the world, which will look like the work of Billy Crudup. Then, rather than destroy each other, all of the nations of the world will unite after this tragedy, ushering in an era of world peace that will probably last five or six years.

PATRICK WILSON

You mean to tell me that you believe that if people thought that Billy Crudup, the very tool by which the United States exercised it’s power over other nations, were responsible for destroying cities all over the world, that the world’s response would be to join hands with us rather than unite to kill us for creating the problem that led to their demise?

MATTHEW GOODE

Ummm…

PATRICK WILSON

And you’re supposedly “the smartest man alive.” Smarter than the guy that can see time.

MATTHEW GOODE

Look, it’s better than the thing with the squid.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Alright, you know what time it is?

MATTHEW GOODE

One minute to midnight on the cheesy doomsday clock symbol?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

No, time for a slow motion fight scene!

They all FIGHT in SLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOTTTIIOONNN. THENSUDDENLYFASTMOTION! Then SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MOOOOTTIIIIOOONNNN AAAGGGAAIIIINNNN.

PATRICK WILSON

Can we hurry this along? I’m getting really sweaty in this thing and my costume is starting to smell like baked asshair.

Suddenly, BILLY and MALIN teleport onto the scene.

MATTHEW GOODE

Ah, Billy, glad you could join us. I was just telling the rest of the gang about how I’m framing you for murdering thousands.

BILLY CRUDUP

It doesn’t matter. Humans have the same number of particles whether living or dead.

MATTHEW GOODE

What? That’s not accurate at all. Think about that for a second. That’s like saying humans consist of the same number of particles whether full or starving.

BILLY CRUDUP

Either way, I don’t value human life, so do whatever you want.

(pause)

Actually, I value human life now. I can’t let you destroy so many lives.

(pause)

Upon further reflection, I value life, but I’m not going to stop your plan. I’ll just teleport out of here and go create some life myself.

(teleports)

*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***

CITIES all across the world are VAPORIZED. It’s DEPRESSING, just like the COMIC BOOK. The movie tries to end on a high note, but FAILS.

ZACK SNYDER

I did it! Alan Moore said Watchmen was “inherently unfilmable” but I pulled it off! Not so bad, was it Alan Moore?

ALAN MOORE

Film is an inferior form of art, spoon-feeding audience goers and watering down our collective cultural imagination. This movie was garbage, as are all movies.

ZACK SNYDER

Dude. You write comic books. Stop acting like you’re fucking Monet, you pretentious jackass.

The RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.

END