FADE IN:
INT. VAMPIRE CLUB – NIGHT
Loud techno music from the trailer blares. Loudly.
BLADE SOUNDTRACK
BUY ME!! BUY ME PLEASE!! ARRGHH!!
EXPENDABLE CHARACTER
Hey, uh, what are we doing at this place? And why is there blood all over? And why are you about to bite my neck? And.. hey! You’re not Traci Lords! YOU’RE MARV ALBERT! AIYEE!!
WESLEY SNIPES
Not so fast.
ALL VAMPIRES
Oh crap.
The loud techno music, which manages to coincide exactly with the events in the club, gets louder and extremely kickin’.
BLADE SOUNDTRACK
FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, BUY ME!
WESLEY proceeds to kick some serious vampire ass. When hit, or even touched, or even looked at crossly, they disintegrate into a massive pile of CGI graphics.
DONAL LOGUE
Er, hi.
WESLEY SNIPES
I’ve killed you hundreds of times, but for some reason, you keep returning. Why you don’t turn into CGI is beyond me, but this time, I think I’ll try something I haven’t tried before. FIRE.
Wesley sets the place ablaze.
INT. CORONER’S OFFICE – NIGHT
N’BUSHE WRIGHT
I am an expert in blood.
DONAL LOGUE, who is charred, suddenly stands up and bites N’BUSHE. WESLEY is close, but doesn’t prevent it in order to create a dramatic entrance. His overcoat flaps behind him. Dramatically.
WESLEY SNIPES
Bitch.
WESLEY shoots DONAL into a pile of SHIT and begins to leave. Suddenly, he notices N’BUSHE. He pauses, wondering how to pronounce N’BUSHE.
WESLEY SNIPES
I better take you with me, otherwise we won’t have any way to explain the plot.
INT. BLADE’S HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
N’BUSHE WRIGHT
Thanks for patching me up and all.
KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Yes. No problem. Uh, hey. Did you know that Blade has his powers because his mother was bitten when she had him? She died and he is avenging her death by killing vampires. Also, he needs blood and time is running out before he becomes so much a vampire that he can’t resist. Also, you were bitten and will become a vampire shortly. Did I miss anything?
N’BUSHE WRIGHT
Nope. But hey, I found a cure for my problem and will be able to find one for Blade. Also, I found a serum that makes vampires explode in a massive CGI orgy.
WESLEY SNIPES
I’m going to Vampire Headquarters. Come with me so I can explain more plot and have someone to rescue when you get captured.
INT. VAMPIRE HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
She gets CAPTURED. And then RESCUED. STEPHEN DORFF organizes a large ritual to some kind of god. This involves placing numerous VAMPIRES and HENCHMEN at strategic points in a room to make fight sequences easier.
BIG BLOBBY FAT THING
What the hell am I doing here anyway?
The BLOBBY FAT THING is burned to a crisp. WESLEY SNIPES drops in from the roof.
WESLEY SNIPES
Thought I’d… drop in. Fuckers.
STEPHEN DORFF
GET HIM, TRACI!
TRACI LORDS, who has clothes on, attacks WESLEY.
N’BUSHE WRIGHT
Not so fast. Bitch.
N’BUSHE, overcoming the odds, kills TRACI LORDS. Her clothes, despite her death, remain on. Eventually, all of the bad guys are gone excluding STEPHEN DORFF and DONAL LOGUE.
DONAL LOGUE
I’m still here! I can keep coming back forever! Ha ha ha!
WESLEY SNIPES
Not if I can help it.
WESLEY decapitates the SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM.
DONAL LOGUE
NOOOOOOOO!!!!
He vanishes.
STEPHEN DORFF
Just you and me now, Blade.
WESLEY SNIPES looks around himself, very confused.
STEPHEN DORFF
Down here.
WESLEY kneels down, until he is at eye level with STEPHEN.
WESLEY SNIPES
YOU!? You are what I have been trying to kill all my life? You’re the big antagonist? You’re about as big as my tricep!! What the fuck?
STEPHEN DORFF
Hey! I’m threatening! I have beard stubble, really white skin, a creepy haircut, AND vacant eyes!
WESLEY SNIPES
Man, this is depressing. All my life I’ve been waiting to meet my mothers killer and destroy him. And it’s Michael J. Fox with fangs.
STEPHEN DORFF
You fucker! I’ll beat the hell out of your kneecaps!
WESLEY bends over and inserts a few serum needles into STEPHEN’S skull. He EXPLODES.
N’BUSHE WRIGHT
Well, it’s all over now, Blade. Want that cure for being a vampire?
WESLEY SNIPES
Nah. I must be off now. I have a war to fight. Goodbye, Karen. See ya in the sequel.
INT. MOSCOW – NIGHT
WESLEY SNIPES
So…. what the fuck am I doing in Moscow, anyway?
CUE: Techno music
END
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Mr. T Fashion Show
"ev'rybody gotta wear clothes, if you don't you get arrested"
Genius!!!
I'm sorry but this clip shows just how wrong fashion was in the 80s.. Jheeze
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
E B A Vs The Original White Rapper
As this guy explains for about a minute at the beginning of this video: he's just an average, middle class, white rapper trying to make it big with the demo he put together. I have no friggin' idea if he ever got that record contract, but if the rest of his music turned out to be this shit, I guessing he probably didn't.
UGLYMAN - WHIP GAME PROPER
Jheeze....Put a Tee or something on homie... My eyes are bleeding yet strangely captivated by your man boobs!
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
Some Toxic Avenger B-Movie Madness
This Toxic Avenger clip is a pretty good illustration of why Troma Films is so fuckin' awesome: Troma bad guys don't just rob diners; they rape girls, too. Blind girls. And they kill the blind rape victim's seeing eye dog first.... And the dog has a loveable name, like Gary. Then the bad guy gets beaten to death with his own ripped off arm. Hey, you don't become the best bullshit movie production company in the world by being lazy and stupid, right?
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Method Man & Redman - Mrs. International
I don't usually post music videos but I love this song so friggin' much!
Lil girls using profanities - What a damn shame...
I was completely disgusted watching this video...WTF are their parents teaching them?!!
Fail of the day
What the fuck does she look like?!! She's rocking the St Kitts flag...Upside-down.... Jheeze
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
A TAT TOO FAR?
I love women with tattoos and piercings but this lady's random tats are a bit of a turn-off... Shame... She's gorgeous!
Its PIMPIN' PIMPIN'!
It looks like Pimpin'Ken may have to upgrade to a younger model!
Check the droppage
Saturday, 18 July 2009
STAR & BUC WILD: Open Letter to Drake
Star asks the question: Is Drake's debut video, "The Best I Ever Had," the worst we've ever seen?
Friday, 17 July 2009
Black version of American Pie
Lesson of the day: Always lock the door when your beating your meat into a pie!
Surviving Edged Weapons
This the madness that is Surviving Edged Weapons, a training video that seems to be half charming Canadian accents, half Filipino martial arts and 100 percent awesome SHEEEEEE-IT!
IMV Films Spoofs Ken Block & Achieves Greatness
This is a MADNESS!
Who wants to go halves on a banged up scooby?!
How To: Pretend You're Listening to Your Girlfriend
It's eight o'clock tonight, and you've got a computer, a television set, a Blackberry, and a paused game of Streetfighter, all grappling for your attention. The last thing you feel like paying attention to is your girlfriend, and whatever trivial matter she's decided to complain about. There's a difference between your girlfriend and all of those other things, though: if you don't pay attention to her, she'll totally leave, and that would suck. That doesn't mean that you actually have to devote your attention to her, but you'll have to figure out how to make her think that you're focusing on her, rather than the action-packed finale of Whale Wars that's blaring in the background. Here are some helpful tips to get you started:
Blink Frequently
Blinking is your way of telling the rest of the world, in a bold yet silent voice: "I am conscious!" Use this to your advantage. Women love it when a man remains conscious during a conversation. Blinking consistently is a great way to tell them that you're both alive and awake. Try not to focus too much on it, though, as overly excessive blinking can be distracting, and even signify health problems or brain disorders, and you do not want your girlfriend thinking you're retarded. With some practice, you should be able to blink naturally while your girlfriend is complaining to you.
Nod Your Head and Look Concerned
A well-timed head nod can go a long way. The classic up-and-down gesture is a traditional response of affirmation and agreement, and it will signify to your whiny girlfriend that you're on her side, and that you understand her. Looking concerned is a slightly more difficult manoeuvre, and may require some technique to execute believably. Start with a slightly furrowed brow and pursed lips. Combine this expression with the head nod, and you'll appear to be a good, faithful, concerned boyfriend who really cares about your girlfriend's needs, and is not secretly watching a dog shit on the pavement outside while it's owner awkwardly fumbles with a plastic bag, and then picks the dog shit up, but drops some of it onto his pants in the process.
Listen for Key Words and Phrases
This is a complicated but incredibly important skill to master. By utilizing "selective hearing" and focusing on "words that your girlfriend says", you can greatly increase the probability of her believing that you're actually paying attention to her. Listen for anything that describe her current emotional state in reference to the topic that she's discussing. Words like 'hate', "like, "enjoy", and "want" are good indicators that she has a particular feeling about whatever noun immediately follows that word. Keep an ear out for key phrases as well, like "it bothers me when", "I can't stand that", and "my point is". These phrases will also help you to determine exactly what the fuck she's talking about.
Speak Only When Questioned, and then be Brief and Vague
So you've gotten to the point in the conversation where she finishes rambling, and now she'd like to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter. You feel like you're running through a gun powder factory in a tuxedo made of pure fire: you're uncomfortable and sweaty, and one small mis-step can result in a catastrophic explosion. Tread carefully. Deliver a vague opinion, and then follow it up with a question that directs the conversation back to her view of things. Something like, "That's interesting. What made you think of that?" would be perfect. You've deflected the talking back to her without giving a solid opinion at all. You'll only be able to use that specific line once, though, because if you keep repeating that statement, she's going to think there's something wrong with you, and then you're back to your girlfriend thinking you might be retarded, which is a bad thing. Just focus on getting out of the 'you having to talk' phase as quickly as possible, because no amount of blinking and nodding can save you here. With practice, anyone can master these few skills, and in no time at all, your girlfriend will think you're clinging to her every word. Now get back to that Whale Wars finale, because the last five minutes of the last episode is the only good part of the entire series.
Blink Frequently
Blinking is your way of telling the rest of the world, in a bold yet silent voice: "I am conscious!" Use this to your advantage. Women love it when a man remains conscious during a conversation. Blinking consistently is a great way to tell them that you're both alive and awake. Try not to focus too much on it, though, as overly excessive blinking can be distracting, and even signify health problems or brain disorders, and you do not want your girlfriend thinking you're retarded. With some practice, you should be able to blink naturally while your girlfriend is complaining to you.
Nod Your Head and Look Concerned
A well-timed head nod can go a long way. The classic up-and-down gesture is a traditional response of affirmation and agreement, and it will signify to your whiny girlfriend that you're on her side, and that you understand her. Looking concerned is a slightly more difficult manoeuvre, and may require some technique to execute believably. Start with a slightly furrowed brow and pursed lips. Combine this expression with the head nod, and you'll appear to be a good, faithful, concerned boyfriend who really cares about your girlfriend's needs, and is not secretly watching a dog shit on the pavement outside while it's owner awkwardly fumbles with a plastic bag, and then picks the dog shit up, but drops some of it onto his pants in the process.
Listen for Key Words and Phrases
This is a complicated but incredibly important skill to master. By utilizing "selective hearing" and focusing on "words that your girlfriend says", you can greatly increase the probability of her believing that you're actually paying attention to her. Listen for anything that describe her current emotional state in reference to the topic that she's discussing. Words like 'hate', "like, "enjoy", and "want" are good indicators that she has a particular feeling about whatever noun immediately follows that word. Keep an ear out for key phrases as well, like "it bothers me when", "I can't stand that", and "my point is". These phrases will also help you to determine exactly what the fuck she's talking about.
Speak Only When Questioned, and then be Brief and Vague
So you've gotten to the point in the conversation where she finishes rambling, and now she'd like to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter. You feel like you're running through a gun powder factory in a tuxedo made of pure fire: you're uncomfortable and sweaty, and one small mis-step can result in a catastrophic explosion. Tread carefully. Deliver a vague opinion, and then follow it up with a question that directs the conversation back to her view of things. Something like, "That's interesting. What made you think of that?" would be perfect. You've deflected the talking back to her without giving a solid opinion at all. You'll only be able to use that specific line once, though, because if you keep repeating that statement, she's going to think there's something wrong with you, and then you're back to your girlfriend thinking you might be retarded, which is a bad thing. Just focus on getting out of the 'you having to talk' phase as quickly as possible, because no amount of blinking and nodding can save you here. With practice, anyone can master these few skills, and in no time at all, your girlfriend will think you're clinging to her every word. Now get back to that Whale Wars finale, because the last five minutes of the last episode is the only good part of the entire series.
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Crazy Taiwanese Poster Warns You to Wear a Condom
The honourable Taiwanese have a saying: don't let other penises laugh at you. I'm assuming this illustration is about wearing condoms. The embarrassed, sickly penis is met by the laughter of a goulish-looking bunch of condom wearing aquaintances.
Why else would the others make fun of him? Well, he did go through a vag-shaped door. I'm also assuming this is about going to Taiwanese brothels, and frankly, I dun already know to come to Taiwan triple-wrapped.
Gutter Story
This has to be the worst piece of film-making I have ever seen!
The acting is absolutely appalling, looks it is was shot on a camera phone and the sound effects..... JHEEZE!!!!
Only in Jamaica!
Another Mariah Track being murdered
I rate her for having the confidence and the arm muscles to do this but WOMAN!!!!..... learn the fuckin' words before attempting to sing this song for a start.... then learn how to friggin' sing!
You murdered this!
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Intercollegiate Quidditch
This is the sheeee-it... wait... what's up with the brooms and the general lack of magic!
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Monday, 13 July 2009
The Worst Night Of My Life
Last night was the worst night of my life. I have never before felt so violated or felt as much regret as I am feeling right now. I made a mistake and I will never do it again. I am not proud of what I did.
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I found myself going through the same nightly routine of brushing my teeth. I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed my toothpaste from within. I then reached for the toothbrush and I'm still unclear on how it happened, but the toothbrush fell out of the cabinet. I reacted the way 99% of people would and tried to catch it.
It was at this moment that my world went into slow motion. My first grab was a miss. The second attempt to catch it ended up batting it into the air and prolonging its flight. My third, fourth and fifth attempts were no different. The only difference was that the toothbrush was now directly over the open toilet. By this point my panic level had tripled. There is no way for me to explain just how desperate I was to keep it out of the toilet.
By my sixth attempt to catch the flailing toothbrush, I had stopped breathing. My final attempt has either number 8 or 9 and I missed the toothbrush continue its path downward. I froze as I watched helplessly at its descent towards the toilet. It missed the rim of the toilet by a half inch and hit the floor. I'm sure it didn't really make this sound, but in my mind it hit the floor with a deep, echoing thud. Unfortunately, its travel did not end there. No, the son of a bitch bounced around like a pinball and finally came to rest on the tile floor underneath the back of the toilet.
I stood in utter disbelief with a dropped jaw as I stared at it. How could this happen to me?! That was the worst possible location for it to land. Don't get me wrong, I clean my bathroom. However, you can ask any single guy and he will tell you that underneath the back of the toilet doesn't always get the full treatment when cleaning. Hell, even professional house cleaners will admit that it doesn't get cleaned as well as everything else. It's just a hard place to get to and let's be honest, no one ever sees that area, so the most it will ever get is a quick wipe down. I slowly bent down, retrieved it and placed it on the counter next to the sink. I stared down at it for a moment and then walked out of the room to think the situation over.
Lately I have really been questioning my mental health more and more. I have been developing more and more phobias and weird ticks. I seriously think that I am slowly going crazy and this fucking situation was not helping in keeping me somewhat sane. I paced back and forth trying to figure out what to do. It was 1 in the morning and I really didn't want to drive across town to score a toothbrush. As I tried to make a decision, I couldn't help but think of all the drunk people that had used my bathroom. Drunk guys suck at hitting a toilet. Then came the thoughts of how many people had puked in and around the toilet. I tried like hell to shake the thoughts from my head.
I finally decided that I would move forward with brushing my teeth, but before I did that, I would do my best to disinfect the damn thing. I soaked it in scolding hot water followed my a soak in mouthwash. I almost soaked it in bleach, but decided against that at the last moment.
I stood in front of the mirror and squeezed about half a tube of toothpaste onto the brush. I began brushing as I stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn't bear to look at myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. As the toothbrush probed my mouth, I began crying. I felt like an actress who was forced to finally give up and do a porno for the first time. I fell to the floor crying and then started puking. It was the worst experience of my life. I spent most of the night sitting in the shower, rocking back and forth like a rape victim. I still feel dirty and I hate myself for letting me go through with that last night.
Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I found myself going through the same nightly routine of brushing my teeth. I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed my toothpaste from within. I then reached for the toothbrush and I'm still unclear on how it happened, but the toothbrush fell out of the cabinet. I reacted the way 99% of people would and tried to catch it.
It was at this moment that my world went into slow motion. My first grab was a miss. The second attempt to catch it ended up batting it into the air and prolonging its flight. My third, fourth and fifth attempts were no different. The only difference was that the toothbrush was now directly over the open toilet. By this point my panic level had tripled. There is no way for me to explain just how desperate I was to keep it out of the toilet.
By my sixth attempt to catch the flailing toothbrush, I had stopped breathing. My final attempt has either number 8 or 9 and I missed the toothbrush continue its path downward. I froze as I watched helplessly at its descent towards the toilet. It missed the rim of the toilet by a half inch and hit the floor. I'm sure it didn't really make this sound, but in my mind it hit the floor with a deep, echoing thud. Unfortunately, its travel did not end there. No, the son of a bitch bounced around like a pinball and finally came to rest on the tile floor underneath the back of the toilet.
I stood in utter disbelief with a dropped jaw as I stared at it. How could this happen to me?! That was the worst possible location for it to land. Don't get me wrong, I clean my bathroom. However, you can ask any single guy and he will tell you that underneath the back of the toilet doesn't always get the full treatment when cleaning. Hell, even professional house cleaners will admit that it doesn't get cleaned as well as everything else. It's just a hard place to get to and let's be honest, no one ever sees that area, so the most it will ever get is a quick wipe down. I slowly bent down, retrieved it and placed it on the counter next to the sink. I stared down at it for a moment and then walked out of the room to think the situation over.
Lately I have really been questioning my mental health more and more. I have been developing more and more phobias and weird ticks. I seriously think that I am slowly going crazy and this fucking situation was not helping in keeping me somewhat sane. I paced back and forth trying to figure out what to do. It was 1 in the morning and I really didn't want to drive across town to score a toothbrush. As I tried to make a decision, I couldn't help but think of all the drunk people that had used my bathroom. Drunk guys suck at hitting a toilet. Then came the thoughts of how many people had puked in and around the toilet. I tried like hell to shake the thoughts from my head.
I finally decided that I would move forward with brushing my teeth, but before I did that, I would do my best to disinfect the damn thing. I soaked it in scolding hot water followed my a soak in mouthwash. I almost soaked it in bleach, but decided against that at the last moment.
I stood in front of the mirror and squeezed about half a tube of toothpaste onto the brush. I began brushing as I stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn't bear to look at myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. As the toothbrush probed my mouth, I began crying. I felt like an actress who was forced to finally give up and do a porno for the first time. I fell to the floor crying and then started puking. It was the worst experience of my life. I spent most of the night sitting in the shower, rocking back and forth like a rape victim. I still feel dirty and I hate myself for letting me go through with that last night.
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Saturday, 11 July 2009
300: The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. SPARTA
PERSIAN MESSENGER PETER MENSAH approaches SPARTA and demands to see the king, GERARD BUTLER.
PETER MENSAH
I am a messenger for Rodrigo Santoro. He wants a gift of water and earth from you as a sign that you fall under his rule.
GERARD BUTLER
The men and women of Sparta submit to no ruler.
PETER MENSAH
But they all submit to you. You’re their king. And you submit to a bunch of inbred priests that talk to gods.
GERARD BUTLER
I shall kill you where you stand for pointing out how silly the premise is!
PETER MENSAH
Whoa, hold on. You’re going to kill a messenger? For basically insulting your pride? We’ve already established you kill newborn babies if they don’t look great – killing messengers because your dick is small won’t exactly get the audience on your side.
GERARD BUTLER
Um, it’s for FREEDOM.
PETER MENSAH
Oh, well if you’re going to use the word “freedom” then that changes everything. Clearly you’re the good guys now.
GERARD kills the PERSIANS, sentencing his people to fight a battle they cannot win. This is HEROIC, rather than JUVENILE.
EXT. HOT GATES
GERARD BUTLER, DAVID WENHAM, VINCENT REGAN, and 297 EXTRAS PISSED OFF THEY SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN THE GYM ONLY TO GET A NON-SPEAKING PART all watch as the invading army of CGI invaders renders itself closer and closer.
Suddenly, a MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN appoaches.
MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN
Gerard, let me fight by your side. All I ever get are shit parts on TV shows. I’m finally in a movie, please give me some screen time.
GERARD BUTLER
No. Even though you know about a secret passage that will allow the Persians to defeat us, I’ve decided once again that my pride is more important than my intelligence. Fuck off.
MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN
Jeeze, what a dick. You’re sure you’re the good guys in this story?
GERARD BUTLER
Freedom!
DAVID WENHAM
Freedom, fuck yeah!
VINCENT REGAN
Freedom is good! And since we use the word freedom, it means we embrace it! Freedom freedom!
A METRIC FUCKTON of PERSIANS attack, but they are killed. The scenes go in and out of slow-motion stylistically as pixelated blood decorates the fake landscape.
VINCENT REGAN
If video game makers are trying so hard to make their games “look like movies” why are we trying so hard to make our movie look like a video game?
GERARD BUTLER
We’re going for the “brainless thick-headed macho asshole” demographic
DAVID WENHAM
Have you seen our costumes? I’m pretty sure we’re going for the “closeted homosexual” demographic.
After some more violence, RODRIGO SANTORO decides to talk.
RODRIGO SANTORO
Bow before me, your new god. I have divine powers, and I shall spare you if you submit to me.
GERARD BUTLER
We will never embrace your silly mysticism. We much prefer our own, with all the inbred mutant guys at the top of the mountain and the naked oracle chick.
RODRIGO SANTORO
You will pay for this! I will burn all Greek writings! Nobody will ever know you existed!
GERARD BUTLER
Greek? I’m Greek? Why the fuck have I been doing a Scottish accent for the entire movie?
RODRIGO SANTORO
For that matter, why are most of my Persian fighters caucasian?
Predictably, MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN tells RODRIGO about the secret passage. Persians surround the Spartans. There is some more fighting as the audience is doused with TESTOSTERONE.
VINCENT REGAN
(dying)
Man, this whole plan was really, really stupid.
GERARD BUTLER
(dying)
Freedom!
VINCENT REGAN
Did I say stupid? I meant brave and inspirational! Freedom!
END
EXT. SPARTA
PERSIAN MESSENGER PETER MENSAH approaches SPARTA and demands to see the king, GERARD BUTLER.
PETER MENSAH
I am a messenger for Rodrigo Santoro. He wants a gift of water and earth from you as a sign that you fall under his rule.
GERARD BUTLER
The men and women of Sparta submit to no ruler.
PETER MENSAH
But they all submit to you. You’re their king. And you submit to a bunch of inbred priests that talk to gods.
GERARD BUTLER
I shall kill you where you stand for pointing out how silly the premise is!
PETER MENSAH
Whoa, hold on. You’re going to kill a messenger? For basically insulting your pride? We’ve already established you kill newborn babies if they don’t look great – killing messengers because your dick is small won’t exactly get the audience on your side.
GERARD BUTLER
Um, it’s for FREEDOM.
PETER MENSAH
Oh, well if you’re going to use the word “freedom” then that changes everything. Clearly you’re the good guys now.
GERARD kills the PERSIANS, sentencing his people to fight a battle they cannot win. This is HEROIC, rather than JUVENILE.
EXT. HOT GATES
GERARD BUTLER, DAVID WENHAM, VINCENT REGAN, and 297 EXTRAS PISSED OFF THEY SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN THE GYM ONLY TO GET A NON-SPEAKING PART all watch as the invading army of CGI invaders renders itself closer and closer.
Suddenly, a MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN appoaches.
MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN
Gerard, let me fight by your side. All I ever get are shit parts on TV shows. I’m finally in a movie, please give me some screen time.
GERARD BUTLER
No. Even though you know about a secret passage that will allow the Persians to defeat us, I’ve decided once again that my pride is more important than my intelligence. Fuck off.
MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN
Jeeze, what a dick. You’re sure you’re the good guys in this story?
GERARD BUTLER
Freedom!
DAVID WENHAM
Freedom, fuck yeah!
VINCENT REGAN
Freedom is good! And since we use the word freedom, it means we embrace it! Freedom freedom!
A METRIC FUCKTON of PERSIANS attack, but they are killed. The scenes go in and out of slow-motion stylistically as pixelated blood decorates the fake landscape.
VINCENT REGAN
If video game makers are trying so hard to make their games “look like movies” why are we trying so hard to make our movie look like a video game?
GERARD BUTLER
We’re going for the “brainless thick-headed macho asshole” demographic
DAVID WENHAM
Have you seen our costumes? I’m pretty sure we’re going for the “closeted homosexual” demographic.
After some more violence, RODRIGO SANTORO decides to talk.
RODRIGO SANTORO
Bow before me, your new god. I have divine powers, and I shall spare you if you submit to me.
GERARD BUTLER
We will never embrace your silly mysticism. We much prefer our own, with all the inbred mutant guys at the top of the mountain and the naked oracle chick.
RODRIGO SANTORO
You will pay for this! I will burn all Greek writings! Nobody will ever know you existed!
GERARD BUTLER
Greek? I’m Greek? Why the fuck have I been doing a Scottish accent for the entire movie?
RODRIGO SANTORO
For that matter, why are most of my Persian fighters caucasian?
Predictably, MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN tells RODRIGO about the secret passage. Persians surround the Spartans. There is some more fighting as the audience is doused with TESTOSTERONE.
VINCENT REGAN
(dying)
Man, this whole plan was really, really stupid.
GERARD BUTLER
(dying)
Freedom!
VINCENT REGAN
Did I say stupid? I meant brave and inspirational! Freedom!
END
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
The Hip-Hop DJ Lifestyle
Lately I have become incredibly jealous of hip-hop DJs. They get to do things that no one else does. From releasing mixtapes and working with amazing artists to shouting their names over the music throughout the entire mixtape. It's the shouting part that makes me jealous. Just once, I would love to be able to do what they do. So I decided to come up with my own DJ name: DJ Rape-Face. Now when I go through my day to day activities, I harness my inner DJ and let him hype up the situation.
I was at the Tescos the other day and found myself in the dairy section trying to decide on milk. As I sat and pondered my decision, a few other shoppers showed up in the section. I let the DJ in me take over as I shouted out "DJ RAPE-FACE!!! 2009 WHOLE MILK LOCK DOWN!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T STOP THE RAPE!!!" while I grabbed my gallon of milk. When I turned around, all I saw was the backsides of people running and some lady reporting me to the manager. I got to the checkout counter and was asked Cash or Card. "PLASTIC BAG WORLD DOMINATION!!!! RAPE-FACE EXCLUSIVE!!! PAYING WITH DEBIT CARD BITCH!!!!!!" When management finished escorting me off the premises, I decided that Tescos is full of nothing but punk ass haters!
With a lack of groceries, I decided to hit up McDonald's to get some food.
Employee: Welcome to McDonald's! Can I take your order?
Me: #5 WORLDWIDE!!! PICKLES ARE FOR HATERS!!!
Employee: Umm...what?
Me: APPLE PIE TAKEOVER!!! DJ RA-RA-RA-RA-RAPE-FAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Employee: I'm getting the manager.
The manager wasn't any help even when I told him what year it was. Fucking douchebag!
I was at work today and had to attend a meeting. I walked into the meeting room and announced myself by yelling out "DJ RAPE-FACE!" Everyone just stared at me in disgust. Haters! I took my seat and sat quietly.
Boss: Alright, time to review the quarterly reports. Dig Dash, if you would?
Me: DJ RAPE-FACE ROCKING REPORTS IN 2009!!!
Boss: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: WE GETTIN' THAT PAPER THIS QUARTER!!! WORLD DOMINATION!!!
Boss: WHAT ARE THE NUMBERS?!
Me: RAPE-FACE EXCLUSIVE!!! WE STACKIN' BREAD!!!!
Unemployment Clerk: Name?
Me: DJ RAPE-FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was at the Tescos the other day and found myself in the dairy section trying to decide on milk. As I sat and pondered my decision, a few other shoppers showed up in the section. I let the DJ in me take over as I shouted out "DJ RAPE-FACE!!! 2009 WHOLE MILK LOCK DOWN!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T STOP THE RAPE!!!" while I grabbed my gallon of milk. When I turned around, all I saw was the backsides of people running and some lady reporting me to the manager. I got to the checkout counter and was asked Cash or Card. "PLASTIC BAG WORLD DOMINATION!!!! RAPE-FACE EXCLUSIVE!!! PAYING WITH DEBIT CARD BITCH!!!!!!" When management finished escorting me off the premises, I decided that Tescos is full of nothing but punk ass haters!
With a lack of groceries, I decided to hit up McDonald's to get some food.
Employee: Welcome to McDonald's! Can I take your order?
Me: #5 WORLDWIDE!!! PICKLES ARE FOR HATERS!!!
Employee: Umm...what?
Me: APPLE PIE TAKEOVER!!! DJ RA-RA-RA-RA-RAPE-FAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Employee: I'm getting the manager.
The manager wasn't any help even when I told him what year it was. Fucking douchebag!
I was at work today and had to attend a meeting. I walked into the meeting room and announced myself by yelling out "DJ RAPE-FACE!" Everyone just stared at me in disgust. Haters! I took my seat and sat quietly.
Boss: Alright, time to review the quarterly reports. Dig Dash, if you would?
Me: DJ RAPE-FACE ROCKING REPORTS IN 2009!!!
Boss: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: WE GETTIN' THAT PAPER THIS QUARTER!!! WORLD DOMINATION!!!
Boss: WHAT ARE THE NUMBERS?!
Me: RAPE-FACE EXCLUSIVE!!! WE STACKIN' BREAD!!!!
Unemployment Clerk: Name?
Me: DJ RAPE-FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mother Sends Her Son A Text Congratulating Him On His Penis Size. What a PARRRRRR!
This is supposedly a text from Mother to Son. This takes the awkwardness to a whole new hilarious level. SHEEEEEE-IT!
Monday, 6 July 2009
Some Crackhead Dickhead going fuckin' crazy!
This delusional crack fiend decides to parrr a woman's car with a crowbar just to demonstrate to camera man exactly how much he doesnt not give a care about anyone or anything.
I'm sorry but if a random dickhead tried that shit with me, it would be the last random act of violence in his life!
First of all, if you are attacking my car your at a disadvantage, my car as a whole is considerable harder than your weapon. Damage to my car will be physical to the vehicle and emotional to me. I win.... in theory.
Second of all, my retort will cause you a world of pain mainly coz your douchebag ass will get run the fuck over. Yes, I will take the piss out of your life.
Enough SAID!
Sunday, 5 July 2009
This Is The Funniest Sexual Harassment Training Video Of All Time
Most sexual harassment training videos for employees are pretty fucking boring, but that's because they rarely include phrases like "It smells like vagina in here" and "Word around the office is you've got a fat cock." This sexual harassment video may not be 100% real, but it is more than 100% fucking hilarious.
Ladies, would you date this guy?
This video is a prime example why I love YOUTUBE.... its the SHIT!!
Take this guy for example, who decided to announce to Youtube that he's looking for a girlfriend and to advertise his qualifications which include: having a 6-inch dick, being bipolar, living with his parents, being unemployed (shocker), not feeling emotion, loving to smoke weed, and having a member of his non-immediate family who is rich.
I rate dude highly for his honesty.
Eugene Mirman Explains How To Find A Husband
There's a lot of people out there dispensing relationship advice, but I'm not sure any of them are as entertaining and thought-provoking as comedian Eugene Mirman. In this video, he explains to women how they can go about finding a husband with such shrewd advice as "Don't reveal how crazy you are for a few years."
Take heed ladies!
What Life Looks Like As A Hot Chick
I wonder what life looks like from the perspective of a wastechick? Mmmmm
A small rant about vaginas.
Dear Ms. Vag Ina,
I think you're ugly Ms. Ina. Sorry to be so blunt. I mean, sometimes you can be really pretty, but sometimes I get the feeling you're just not taking care of yourself. All that flesh and fat and tissue hanging about yourself. It's just nasty, why can't you tuck it all in more often? And what's the deal with you shaving yourself all of the time. Shaving yourself completely bald, that's just damn weird. Seriously Vag, I'm not digging the stubble rash you have around yourself the day after you've shaved as well. If you insist on removing the hair, wax it or something. Oh and I've been meaning to recommend you to my Doctor as I believe you may have a serious medical condition, you bleed chronically approximately once a month and I think it could be serious. Also; why do you swell up, turn red and begin to sweat profusely when I get to touch you from time to time? Furthermore, I'm getting sick of your fucking mood swings. You change your mind too often, sometimes you like me to play with you one way, the next day, you've changed your mind and you hate playing that way. Anyway, despite all theses setbacks I wanted to thank you Ms. Ina for being the greatest thing on planet earth. Even when you're having a bad, stubble rash filled, unwashed, sweaty, bloody, fat, smelly, shy, moody, over-aggressive, indecisive day I still can't keep my hands off your lovely self.
Always Yours.
Dig Dasg
I think you're ugly Ms. Ina. Sorry to be so blunt. I mean, sometimes you can be really pretty, but sometimes I get the feeling you're just not taking care of yourself. All that flesh and fat and tissue hanging about yourself. It's just nasty, why can't you tuck it all in more often? And what's the deal with you shaving yourself all of the time. Shaving yourself completely bald, that's just damn weird. Seriously Vag, I'm not digging the stubble rash you have around yourself the day after you've shaved as well. If you insist on removing the hair, wax it or something. Oh and I've been meaning to recommend you to my Doctor as I believe you may have a serious medical condition, you bleed chronically approximately once a month and I think it could be serious. Also; why do you swell up, turn red and begin to sweat profusely when I get to touch you from time to time? Furthermore, I'm getting sick of your fucking mood swings. You change your mind too often, sometimes you like me to play with you one way, the next day, you've changed your mind and you hate playing that way. Anyway, despite all theses setbacks I wanted to thank you Ms. Ina for being the greatest thing on planet earth. Even when you're having a bad, stubble rash filled, unwashed, sweaty, bloody, fat, smelly, shy, moody, over-aggressive, indecisive day I still can't keep my hands off your lovely self.
Always Yours.
Dig Dasg
Funny Parts in Repos
This is the funniest clips from the turd of a film, Repos.
All the best laughs are in this so I have saved time in your life you would never get back by watching the entire film!
Best line....
"Ima bring tic tac back dead and alive with his testicles in my hand!" HAHAHAHA
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Major FAIL!
This woman's hairline starts at the back of her head and that comb-over fringe thing does her no favours!
Thursday, 2 July 2009
Star Trek: The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. USS KELVIN – THE FUTURE
CAPTAIN FARAN TAHIR watches as a BROKEN WICKER BASKET MADE OF METAL emerges from a BLACK HOLE.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Captain, are you seeing this?
FARAN TAHIR
No, all I can see are fucking lens flares! Did someone just discover Photoshop in 1998 or something?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Sir, I think it’s just a trick to make everyone who downloads the movie think it was a bad capture and delete it.
Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.
ERIC BANA
I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.
FARAN TAHIR
Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we’re doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I’ll go ahead and comply.
He DOES, and ERIC kills him.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Alright, that makes me captain. Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE
Chris, no! You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I can’t. JJ Abrams doesn’t know how to direct anything that isn’t “Lost”, so I have to stay behind and die dramatically as the sound effects are muted in favor of sad-sounding violin music.
CHRIS dies.
EXT. IOWA – UNITED STATES – EARTH – LONG SCENE HEADING
A YOUNG CHRIS PINE speeds down a road in a 280-YEAR-OLD-CAR while listening to 250-YEAR-OLD-MUSIC. A POLICE OFFICER DRESSED AS SNAKE-EYES FROM G.I. JOE chases him.
YOUNG CHRIS PINE drives the car off a cliff and just barely manages to pull himself up from the ledge.
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is your name?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
My name is Chris Overacting Pine!
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is the point of this scene?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
I have absolutely no fucking clue!
YOUNG CHRIS PINE eventually grows into CHRIS PINE and he goes to a bar where he meets ZOE SALDANA.
CHRIS PINE
Finally, the first scene introducing me as the new James Kirk to the world! I think it’s only fitting that I come off as a complete dickwad and hit on you. Let’s go back to my place, I think a hull breach is imminent.
ZOE SALDANA
Ack! Holy shit, is my name in caps and centered above this? Why are my thoughts being written down? What’s going on?
CHRIS PINE
That’s dialogue. It means you get to say things out loud in the movie.
ZOE SALDANA
Uhura has actual lines? Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here. Can someone rescue me from this?
Suddenly, a fight breaks out between CHRIS PINE, FOUR STARFLEET CADETS, and APPARENTLY THE CAMERA MAN. Once CHRIS finishes getting his ass kicked, BRUCE GREENWOOD talks to him.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
I looked up your file. Your aptitude test scores are off the charts.
CHRIS PINE
Off the charts? Your aptitude test scoring system has a serious design flaw.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Enlist in Starfleet. Boldly go where no man has gone before! Meet new and interesting alien life forms that look exactly like humans except with one feature difference such as skin color, eye size, or ear shape!
CHRIS PINE
Look, I’m just not Starfleet material. The only thing I’m any good at is hanging off ledges.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Just think about it. The ship for new recruits leaves tomorrow, and there’s apparently no other way for you to enlist other than boarding it.
CHRIS rides his bike some more and looks contemplatively at a STARSHIP being built.
CHRIS PINE
Wow. It’s so amazing. How the hell are they ever going to launch that thing off the surface of the planet?
CHRIS joins STARFLEET and hops on a ship headed into SPACE even though the ACADEMY is on EARTH. He meets KARL URBAN.
KARL URBAN
Nice to meet you. I’m enlisting because my wife took everything in the divorce. All I’ve got left are my BOOOOONEEESSSS. Eh? Eh? Bones!
CHRIS PINE
So, this movie’s official explanation for your nickname is basically that my character likes to incessantly remind you of your painful divorce. Wow, I really am an insufferable douchebag.
INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH
CHRIS smarms his way through school, acting like an obnoxious fratboy in scene after scene. ZACHARY QUINTO accuses him of cheating on a test, since nothing makes compelling drama like ACADEMIC WHINING.
ZACHARY QUINTO
I demand Chris Pine be expelled from the academy, he got Dawson’s Creek in my Star Wars!
CHRIS PINE
Me? You got Star Wars in my Dawson’s Creek!
TYLER PERRY, UGH
I’d love to expel the brash, renegade youth but unfortunately a sudden emergency demands our complete attention, thereby giving him a second chance to prove himself!
CHRIS PINE
How incredibly original!
Everyone that has had a line so far winds up on the USS ENTERPRISE.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Listen up, we’ve gotten a distress signal from planet Vulcan, which strangely is also the word used to refer to people from it. They have reported what appears to be a metal cactus in space.
ZACHARY QUINTO
Our mission is to find out what’s going on and not in any way risk our lives since you’re just a bunch of students and your parents would fucking kill us if we got you injured on what is basically a field trip.
JOHN CHO
Setting a course for White Castle, er, Vulcan.
CHRIS PINE
Wait a minute, did you say metal cactus in space? IT’S A TRAP!
BRUCE GREENWOOD heeds CHRIS’S advice, stopping the ship at exactly the place it would have stopped anyway. They see all of the other STARSHIPS destroyed by ERIC BANA’S SHIP.
CHRIS PINE
Oh my God. I can’t believe it.
KARL URBAN
What, that you were right about the attack?
CHRIS PINE
No, that the green chick I was about to bone is dead now. Do you have any idea how much dough I sank into her? Shit was an investment, son!
KARL URBAN
Actually, you’re right. Our entire graduating class just got obliterated and nobody seems to give a shit.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Alright everyone, I’m going to take a transport over to Eric Bana’s ship. Chris, John, and some random guy wearing a red shirt will land on the giant drill that Bana is using on Vulcan which we can’t just shoot for some reason. I’m promoting Zachary to captain.
CHRIS and JOHN land on the DRILL while the REDSHIRT dies.
CHRIS PINE
Look, we’re paying tribute to the original series by conforming to its limitations!
JOHN and CHRIS have a fistfight with some ROMULANS. CHRIS gets his ass kicked yet again.
JOHN CHO
Hmm. I see the comical fistfight and I hear the obnoxious “fistfight with aliens” music, but I don’t see any overweight middle aged men. Is this Star Trek or not?
Meanwhile, ANTON YELCHIN observes that ERIC BANA is creating a BLACK HOLE in the center of VULCAN. ZACHARY decides he must rescue his parents and heads to the BEAMING ROOM to go down to the planet.
CHRIS and JOHN fall off the drill and plummet to the surface. ANTON YELCHIN runs to the BEAMING ROOM and beams them up in midair. ZACHARY arrives and demands to be beamed to the surface.
ANTON YELCHIN
Didn’t we just leave from the same bridge? How did I beat you here?
ZACHARY is beamed to the surface and he finds his parents. Just when they are all being beamed up, the ledge that ZACHARY’S MOTHER, WINONA RYDER, is standing on collapses and she falls.
ANTON YELCHIN
Zachary, I lost the lock on your mother, I can’t beam her up to the ship!
ZACHARY QUINTO
What? You just beamed Chris and John to the ship while they were freefalling.
ANTON YELCHIN
This is different!
ZACHARY QUINTO
How is it different at all?
ANTON YELCHIN
She was in “Mr. Deeds” dude. Fuck her.
The BLACK HOLE finishes consuming VULCAN and ZACHARY assumes control of the ship.
CHRIS PINE
Zachary, we’ve got to rescue Bruce Greenwood.
ZACHARY QUINTO
With him off the ship, our rating in the 18-24 demographic has increased. Rescuing him would be highly illogical.
CHRIS PINE
Zachary, without him this whole movie just looks like a bunch of kids playing Star Trek dress-up in the rich kid’s basement. We have to get him back. Besides, none of us can rent a car without him.
ZACHARY maroons CHRIS on a nearby planet and heads toward EARTH.
EXT. ICE PLANET HOTH
CHRIS wanders around the surface of the ice planet until he runs into a VAGINASAURUS REX. He stumbles down a hillside and into a CAVE, where he meets LEONARD NIMOY!
LEONARD NIMOY
Hello Chris. I am Leonard Nimoy, the future version of Zachary Quinto.
CHRIS PINE
Makes sense, I’ve got the entire surface of a planet to work with and I stumbled into your cave. Please, continue.
LEONARD NIMOY
Many years from now, a star explodes and turns supernova. I tried to create a black hole in its center using red matter, but I was too late. The supernova destroyed Romulus. Eric Bana got all pissy about it, but we got sucked into the black hole that I created, which sent us back in time, 25 years apart for some reason. Conveniently when my younger self was no longer wearing pointy diapers.
CHRIS PINE
Holy crap this is stupid. Are you done?
LEONARD NIMOY
Hardly. Anyway, Eric abducted me when I came through and stranded me here so that I could watch my home planet be destroyed.
CHRIS PINE
He does understand that he went back in time right? And can therefore just stop his home planet from being destroyed altogether?
(pause)
So wait, why does red matter destroy planets but send ships back in time?
LEONARD NIMOY
BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!
CHRIS PINE
Apparently, since you’re close enough to Vulcan to see it with the naked eye but not so close as to be sucked into the ensuing black hole.
LEONARD NIMOY
In any case, these events have created an alternate timeline with a much larger budget. You are meant to be captain, we must get you back to the ship.
CHRIS PINE
I’m so glad this movie is rebooting the franchise and avoiding the overused plot contrivances that plagued the originals. Any chance you want to travel back to 1980’s earth to pick up some whales?
They make their way to a FEDERATION OUTPOST and find SIMON PEGG.
SIMON PEGG
Hello. I speak quickly in a thick Scottish accent, which passes for comic relief. Also I’m obsessed with food because the other actor who plays this character was obese, God rest his soul. How can I help you?
LEONARD NIMOY
You can beam yourself and Chris onto a ship traveling at light speed!
SIMON PEGG
Sure, why not? Believability pretty much went out the window with the whole red matter black hole thing, eh?
SIMON and CHRIS find themselves on the ENTERPRISE and confront ZACHARY.
CHRIS PINE
Zachary, if I provoke an emotional response out of you then you’ll have to step down as captain.
ZACHARY QUINTO
Do your worst.
CHRIS PINE
Actually, considering that my “asshole dial” has been turned up to eleven since the movie started, there’s really nowhere else for me to go. Uh, yo momma so dead…
ZACHARY QUINTO
How dead is she?
CHRIS PINE
Yo momma so dead, her maggots are being eaten by maggots!
ZACHARY starts beating the hell out of CHRIS PINE, who simply cannot seem to win a fight. ZACHARY stops just short of opening CHRIS’S head and eating his brain to acquire “hanging off ledges” powers, though.
ZACHARY QUINTO
Damn. Since I am unfit as captain, I suppose you will have to take my place. And now that you have arrogantly assumed a title that you have not earned and insulted my mother, I have grown to respect you.
CHRIS PINE
Alright, here’s the plan. We’ll beam onboard Bana’s ship, steal the red matter, ignite it, then beam back.
KARL URBAN
Er, one drop of that stuff is enough to destroy a whole planet, so the whole thing–
CHRIS PINE
BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!
KARL URBAN
Dammit Chris, I’m a Matt LeBlanc lookalike contest winner, not a physicist!
ZACHARY QUINTO
Wait, why not use some of the red matter to go back in time a bit further and stop any of this from happening? Then I could save my home planet and my mother.
CHRIS PINE
No! We have to do the thing that ends with a big action scene. An action scene that requires lasers, mind you, no beaming a bomb into Bana’s ship or anything. Let’s get moving, we’ve got sequels to plan.
They execute the dumbest plan of all available options. BANA is destroyed or maybe sent back in time again.
INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH
CHRIS PINE is officially given the rank of CAPTAIN and receives a medal.
TYLER PERRY, UGH
Because your ship was pretty much the only one that survived, you win by default. Congratulations.
CHRIS and ZACHARY become friends because LEONARD NIMOY told them they have to be.
LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)
Space. The final frontier. Unless you count time, of course.
STAR TREK FANS
Waaahhh! They destroyed Vulcan! The Federation knows about Romulans too early! It’s not Gene Roddenberry’s vision! Bwaaahh!
LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)
Bah, you morons will pay for anything with the word “Trek” in the title. Who gives a shit what any of you think?
END
INT. USS KELVIN – THE FUTURE
CAPTAIN FARAN TAHIR watches as a BROKEN WICKER BASKET MADE OF METAL emerges from a BLACK HOLE.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Captain, are you seeing this?
FARAN TAHIR
No, all I can see are fucking lens flares! Did someone just discover Photoshop in 1998 or something?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Sir, I think it’s just a trick to make everyone who downloads the movie think it was a bad capture and delete it.
Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.
ERIC BANA
I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.
FARAN TAHIR
Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we’re doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I’ll go ahead and comply.
He DOES, and ERIC kills him.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Alright, that makes me captain. Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE
Chris, no! You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I can’t. JJ Abrams doesn’t know how to direct anything that isn’t “Lost”, so I have to stay behind and die dramatically as the sound effects are muted in favor of sad-sounding violin music.
CHRIS dies.
EXT. IOWA – UNITED STATES – EARTH – LONG SCENE HEADING
A YOUNG CHRIS PINE speeds down a road in a 280-YEAR-OLD-CAR while listening to 250-YEAR-OLD-MUSIC. A POLICE OFFICER DRESSED AS SNAKE-EYES FROM G.I. JOE chases him.
YOUNG CHRIS PINE drives the car off a cliff and just barely manages to pull himself up from the ledge.
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is your name?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
My name is Chris Overacting Pine!
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is the point of this scene?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
I have absolutely no fucking clue!
YOUNG CHRIS PINE eventually grows into CHRIS PINE and he goes to a bar where he meets ZOE SALDANA.
CHRIS PINE
Finally, the first scene introducing me as the new James Kirk to the world! I think it’s only fitting that I come off as a complete dickwad and hit on you. Let’s go back to my place, I think a hull breach is imminent.
ZOE SALDANA
Ack! Holy shit, is my name in caps and centered above this? Why are my thoughts being written down? What’s going on?
CHRIS PINE
That’s dialogue. It means you get to say things out loud in the movie.
ZOE SALDANA
Uhura has actual lines? Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here. Can someone rescue me from this?
Suddenly, a fight breaks out between CHRIS PINE, FOUR STARFLEET CADETS, and APPARENTLY THE CAMERA MAN. Once CHRIS finishes getting his ass kicked, BRUCE GREENWOOD talks to him.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
I looked up your file. Your aptitude test scores are off the charts.
CHRIS PINE
Off the charts? Your aptitude test scoring system has a serious design flaw.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Enlist in Starfleet. Boldly go where no man has gone before! Meet new and interesting alien life forms that look exactly like humans except with one feature difference such as skin color, eye size, or ear shape!
CHRIS PINE
Look, I’m just not Starfleet material. The only thing I’m any good at is hanging off ledges.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Just think about it. The ship for new recruits leaves tomorrow, and there’s apparently no other way for you to enlist other than boarding it.
CHRIS rides his bike some more and looks contemplatively at a STARSHIP being built.
CHRIS PINE
Wow. It’s so amazing. How the hell are they ever going to launch that thing off the surface of the planet?
CHRIS joins STARFLEET and hops on a ship headed into SPACE even though the ACADEMY is on EARTH. He meets KARL URBAN.
KARL URBAN
Nice to meet you. I’m enlisting because my wife took everything in the divorce. All I’ve got left are my BOOOOONEEESSSS. Eh? Eh? Bones!
CHRIS PINE
So, this movie’s official explanation for your nickname is basically that my character likes to incessantly remind you of your painful divorce. Wow, I really am an insufferable douchebag.
INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH
CHRIS smarms his way through school, acting like an obnoxious fratboy in scene after scene. ZACHARY QUINTO accuses him of cheating on a test, since nothing makes compelling drama like ACADEMIC WHINING.
ZACHARY QUINTO
I demand Chris Pine be expelled from the academy, he got Dawson’s Creek in my Star Wars!
CHRIS PINE
Me? You got Star Wars in my Dawson’s Creek!
TYLER PERRY, UGH
I’d love to expel the brash, renegade youth but unfortunately a sudden emergency demands our complete attention, thereby giving him a second chance to prove himself!
CHRIS PINE
How incredibly original!
Everyone that has had a line so far winds up on the USS ENTERPRISE.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Listen up, we’ve gotten a distress signal from planet Vulcan, which strangely is also the word used to refer to people from it. They have reported what appears to be a metal cactus in space.
ZACHARY QUINTO
Our mission is to find out what’s going on and not in any way risk our lives since you’re just a bunch of students and your parents would fucking kill us if we got you injured on what is basically a field trip.
JOHN CHO
Setting a course for White Castle, er, Vulcan.
CHRIS PINE
Wait a minute, did you say metal cactus in space? IT’S A TRAP!
BRUCE GREENWOOD heeds CHRIS’S advice, stopping the ship at exactly the place it would have stopped anyway. They see all of the other STARSHIPS destroyed by ERIC BANA’S SHIP.
CHRIS PINE
Oh my God. I can’t believe it.
KARL URBAN
What, that you were right about the attack?
CHRIS PINE
No, that the green chick I was about to bone is dead now. Do you have any idea how much dough I sank into her? Shit was an investment, son!
KARL URBAN
Actually, you’re right. Our entire graduating class just got obliterated and nobody seems to give a shit.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
Alright everyone, I’m going to take a transport over to Eric Bana’s ship. Chris, John, and some random guy wearing a red shirt will land on the giant drill that Bana is using on Vulcan which we can’t just shoot for some reason. I’m promoting Zachary to captain.
CHRIS and JOHN land on the DRILL while the REDSHIRT dies.
CHRIS PINE
Look, we’re paying tribute to the original series by conforming to its limitations!
JOHN and CHRIS have a fistfight with some ROMULANS. CHRIS gets his ass kicked yet again.
JOHN CHO
Hmm. I see the comical fistfight and I hear the obnoxious “fistfight with aliens” music, but I don’t see any overweight middle aged men. Is this Star Trek or not?
Meanwhile, ANTON YELCHIN observes that ERIC BANA is creating a BLACK HOLE in the center of VULCAN. ZACHARY decides he must rescue his parents and heads to the BEAMING ROOM to go down to the planet.
CHRIS and JOHN fall off the drill and plummet to the surface. ANTON YELCHIN runs to the BEAMING ROOM and beams them up in midair. ZACHARY arrives and demands to be beamed to the surface.
ANTON YELCHIN
Didn’t we just leave from the same bridge? How did I beat you here?
ZACHARY is beamed to the surface and he finds his parents. Just when they are all being beamed up, the ledge that ZACHARY’S MOTHER, WINONA RYDER, is standing on collapses and she falls.
ANTON YELCHIN
Zachary, I lost the lock on your mother, I can’t beam her up to the ship!
ZACHARY QUINTO
What? You just beamed Chris and John to the ship while they were freefalling.
ANTON YELCHIN
This is different!
ZACHARY QUINTO
How is it different at all?
ANTON YELCHIN
She was in “Mr. Deeds” dude. Fuck her.
The BLACK HOLE finishes consuming VULCAN and ZACHARY assumes control of the ship.
CHRIS PINE
Zachary, we’ve got to rescue Bruce Greenwood.
ZACHARY QUINTO
With him off the ship, our rating in the 18-24 demographic has increased. Rescuing him would be highly illogical.
CHRIS PINE
Zachary, without him this whole movie just looks like a bunch of kids playing Star Trek dress-up in the rich kid’s basement. We have to get him back. Besides, none of us can rent a car without him.
ZACHARY maroons CHRIS on a nearby planet and heads toward EARTH.
EXT. ICE PLANET HOTH
CHRIS wanders around the surface of the ice planet until he runs into a VAGINASAURUS REX. He stumbles down a hillside and into a CAVE, where he meets LEONARD NIMOY!
LEONARD NIMOY
Hello Chris. I am Leonard Nimoy, the future version of Zachary Quinto.
CHRIS PINE
Makes sense, I’ve got the entire surface of a planet to work with and I stumbled into your cave. Please, continue.
LEONARD NIMOY
Many years from now, a star explodes and turns supernova. I tried to create a black hole in its center using red matter, but I was too late. The supernova destroyed Romulus. Eric Bana got all pissy about it, but we got sucked into the black hole that I created, which sent us back in time, 25 years apart for some reason. Conveniently when my younger self was no longer wearing pointy diapers.
CHRIS PINE
Holy crap this is stupid. Are you done?
LEONARD NIMOY
Hardly. Anyway, Eric abducted me when I came through and stranded me here so that I could watch my home planet be destroyed.
CHRIS PINE
He does understand that he went back in time right? And can therefore just stop his home planet from being destroyed altogether?
(pause)
So wait, why does red matter destroy planets but send ships back in time?
LEONARD NIMOY
BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!
CHRIS PINE
Apparently, since you’re close enough to Vulcan to see it with the naked eye but not so close as to be sucked into the ensuing black hole.
LEONARD NIMOY
In any case, these events have created an alternate timeline with a much larger budget. You are meant to be captain, we must get you back to the ship.
CHRIS PINE
I’m so glad this movie is rebooting the franchise and avoiding the overused plot contrivances that plagued the originals. Any chance you want to travel back to 1980’s earth to pick up some whales?
They make their way to a FEDERATION OUTPOST and find SIMON PEGG.
SIMON PEGG
Hello. I speak quickly in a thick Scottish accent, which passes for comic relief. Also I’m obsessed with food because the other actor who plays this character was obese, God rest his soul. How can I help you?
LEONARD NIMOY
You can beam yourself and Chris onto a ship traveling at light speed!
SIMON PEGG
Sure, why not? Believability pretty much went out the window with the whole red matter black hole thing, eh?
SIMON and CHRIS find themselves on the ENTERPRISE and confront ZACHARY.
CHRIS PINE
Zachary, if I provoke an emotional response out of you then you’ll have to step down as captain.
ZACHARY QUINTO
Do your worst.
CHRIS PINE
Actually, considering that my “asshole dial” has been turned up to eleven since the movie started, there’s really nowhere else for me to go. Uh, yo momma so dead…
ZACHARY QUINTO
How dead is she?
CHRIS PINE
Yo momma so dead, her maggots are being eaten by maggots!
ZACHARY starts beating the hell out of CHRIS PINE, who simply cannot seem to win a fight. ZACHARY stops just short of opening CHRIS’S head and eating his brain to acquire “hanging off ledges” powers, though.
ZACHARY QUINTO
Damn. Since I am unfit as captain, I suppose you will have to take my place. And now that you have arrogantly assumed a title that you have not earned and insulted my mother, I have grown to respect you.
CHRIS PINE
Alright, here’s the plan. We’ll beam onboard Bana’s ship, steal the red matter, ignite it, then beam back.
KARL URBAN
Er, one drop of that stuff is enough to destroy a whole planet, so the whole thing–
CHRIS PINE
BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!
KARL URBAN
Dammit Chris, I’m a Matt LeBlanc lookalike contest winner, not a physicist!
ZACHARY QUINTO
Wait, why not use some of the red matter to go back in time a bit further and stop any of this from happening? Then I could save my home planet and my mother.
CHRIS PINE
No! We have to do the thing that ends with a big action scene. An action scene that requires lasers, mind you, no beaming a bomb into Bana’s ship or anything. Let’s get moving, we’ve got sequels to plan.
They execute the dumbest plan of all available options. BANA is destroyed or maybe sent back in time again.
INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY – EARTH
CHRIS PINE is officially given the rank of CAPTAIN and receives a medal.
TYLER PERRY, UGH
Because your ship was pretty much the only one that survived, you win by default. Congratulations.
CHRIS and ZACHARY become friends because LEONARD NIMOY told them they have to be.
LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)
Space. The final frontier. Unless you count time, of course.
STAR TREK FANS
Waaahhh! They destroyed Vulcan! The Federation knows about Romulans too early! It’s not Gene Roddenberry’s vision! Bwaaahh!
LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)
Bah, you morons will pay for anything with the word “Trek” in the title. Who gives a shit what any of you think?
END
New Young Money STAR.. He's like Drake X2!
Dude has bars for dayz!!! He just needs to work on the visual aspect of his performance.
Major FAIL!
Don't get it twisted, I fully appreciate this lady's thickness... Her body is ridiculous in a good muthafucking way!
Hips that wide, waist that small, baby feeders on point but JHEEZE!
I can damn near see her birth canal!
Not that I'm complaining.. Just want to draw your attention to that FACT is all.
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Damn.. they start em young out there...
EMBED-Startin Them Young - Watch more free videos
This child is only 2 years old....
I have no words for this.............
Who remembers the story about the pregnant man?
"I was shocked that it looped around the world in 24 hours. I mean, it was on Chinese Web sites and, you know, Web sites in Romania and Russia and Brazil." - Thomas Beatie on how fast the news spread of the "pregnant man".
Yeah, that's because it's fucking creepy. To me, I have no problems with a person wanting to play dress up and try on other anatomical parts. I do however have a problem with mislabelling something. So what does it take for a woman to become a man? A dick.
I'm really sick of hearing all this shit about the pregnant man. It's time to make the doughnuts, you fuckers! Until that baby pops out of a dick hole, Thomas is still a woman when it comes down to it. I'm sorry Thomas, but if you're still buying Tampax for yourself once a month, you can't truly call yourself a man. I can't help it, that's just kind of the way things work. The fact that you reach for a handful of Charmin after you take a leak puts you on the woman side of the gender fence. It's been documented throughout history that a dong indicates a man. Even early cave drawings...
Have you ever read the story of how they did it? Have you!? Here's the breakdown. Thomas and his lesbian lover decided it would be a good idea to have a baby. Cool. So then they discussed which one would get pregnant since Thomas is still sporting a vag and full female reproductive organs. They decided that Thomas would be the one to get pregnant since he looks so much like a man and that wouldn't be awkward or uncomfortable for anyone, right? All they had to do was cop some man sauce and get crackin' on putting a bun in the oven. So where did they go? A sperm bank perhaps? Nah, that would be too easy. Also, there was the fact that 9 doctors turned them down on account of it being awkward. So they turned to the good 'ole Internet. My guess is Ebay. They purchased a vial of man sauce and then needed to figure out how to perform the artificial insemination. I'm guessing they got instructions off of Wikipedia or HowStuffWorks.com. So Thomas' wife hits up a Chemist and cops a syringe. If it was me, I would have hit up Boot so I could have used my Boots Advantage card to get a extra point. I don't know what the street value is for a syringe. Perhaps I should ask a junkie or shoot an e-mail to Pete Doherty. Anyways, now they have their syringe. They fill it with man sauce and then shoot it into Thomas' snatch. All within the confines of their own home.
That's a special kind of love right there. I'm sure the kid won't have any psychological problems in her lifetime.
Kid: "Mum, where do babies come from?"
Mom: "Well, when a transgender man and his lesbian girlfriend really love each other, they buy sperm from a guy named cumchamp73 on Ebay and then Google how to perform artificial insemination. Then, when the time is right, the daddy climbs on the kitchen counter and Mum injects the sperm into the daddy's vagina."
Kid: *cries*
Thomas is pregnant again. Do they have a frequent buyer discount card or something? What the fuck is wrong with them? . Even Jigsaw would think it's fucked up. Someone needs to punch Thomas in the head.
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