Blade: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. VAMPIRE CLUB – NIGHT

Loud techno music from the trailer blares. Loudly.

BLADE SOUNDTRACK

BUY ME!! BUY ME PLEASE!! ARRGHH!!

EXPENDABLE CHARACTER

Hey, uh, what are we doing at this place? And why is there blood all over? And why are you about to bite my neck? And.. hey! You’re not Traci Lords! YOU’RE MARV ALBERT! AIYEE!!

WESLEY SNIPES

Not so fast.

ALL VAMPIRES

Oh crap.

The loud techno music, which manages to coincide exactly with the events in the club, gets louder and extremely kickin’.

BLADE SOUNDTRACK

FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, BUY ME!

WESLEY proceeds to kick some serious vampire ass. When hit, or even touched, or even looked at crossly, they disintegrate into a massive pile of CGI graphics.

DONAL LOGUE

Er, hi.

WESLEY SNIPES

I’ve killed you hundreds of times, but for some reason, you keep returning. Why you don’t turn into CGI is beyond me, but this time, I think I’ll try something I haven’t tried before. FIRE.

Wesley sets the place ablaze.

INT. CORONER’S OFFICE – NIGHT

N’BUSHE WRIGHT

I am an expert in blood.

DONAL LOGUE, who is charred, suddenly stands up and bites N’BUSHE. WESLEY is close, but doesn’t prevent it in order to create a dramatic entrance. His overcoat flaps behind him. Dramatically.

WESLEY SNIPES

Bitch.

WESLEY shoots DONAL into a pile of SHIT and begins to leave. Suddenly, he notices N’BUSHE. He pauses, wondering how to pronounce N’BUSHE.

WESLEY SNIPES

I better take you with me, otherwise we won’t have any way to explain the plot.

INT. BLADE’S HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

N’BUSHE WRIGHT

Thanks for patching me up and all.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Yes. No problem. Uh, hey. Did you know that Blade has his powers because his mother was bitten when she had him? She died and he is avenging her death by killing vampires. Also, he needs blood and time is running out before he becomes so much a vampire that he can’t resist. Also, you were bitten and will become a vampire shortly. Did I miss anything?

N’BUSHE WRIGHT

Nope. But hey, I found a cure for my problem and will be able to find one for Blade. Also, I found a serum that makes vampires explode in a massive CGI orgy.

WESLEY SNIPES

I’m going to Vampire Headquarters. Come with me so I can explain more plot and have someone to rescue when you get captured.

INT. VAMPIRE HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

She gets CAPTURED. And then RESCUED. STEPHEN DORFF organizes a large ritual to some kind of god. This involves placing numerous VAMPIRES and HENCHMEN at strategic points in a room to make fight sequences easier.

BIG BLOBBY FAT THING

What the hell am I doing here anyway?

The BLOBBY FAT THING is burned to a crisp. WESLEY SNIPES drops in from the roof.

WESLEY SNIPES

Thought I’d… drop in. Fuckers.

STEPHEN DORFF

GET HIM, TRACI!

TRACI LORDS, who has clothes on, attacks WESLEY.

N’BUSHE WRIGHT

Not so fast. Bitch.

N’BUSHE, overcoming the odds, kills TRACI LORDS. Her clothes, despite her death, remain on. Eventually, all of the bad guys are gone excluding STEPHEN DORFF and DONAL LOGUE.

DONAL LOGUE

I’m still here! I can keep coming back forever! Ha ha ha!

WESLEY SNIPES

Not if I can help it.

WESLEY decapitates the SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM.

DONAL LOGUE

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

He vanishes.

STEPHEN DORFF

Just you and me now, Blade.

WESLEY SNIPES looks around himself, very confused.

STEPHEN DORFF

Down here.

WESLEY kneels down, until he is at eye level with STEPHEN.

WESLEY SNIPES

YOU!? You are what I have been trying to kill all my life? You’re the big antagonist? You’re about as big as my tricep!! What the fuck?

STEPHEN DORFF

Hey! I’m threatening! I have beard stubble, really white skin, a creepy haircut, AND vacant eyes!

WESLEY SNIPES

Man, this is depressing. All my life I’ve been waiting to meet my mothers killer and destroy him. And it’s Michael J. Fox with fangs.

STEPHEN DORFF

You fucker! I’ll beat the hell out of your kneecaps!

WESLEY bends over and inserts a few serum needles into STEPHEN’S skull. He EXPLODES.

N’BUSHE WRIGHT

Well, it’s all over now, Blade. Want that cure for being a vampire?

WESLEY SNIPES

Nah. I must be off now. I have a war to fight. Goodbye, Karen. See ya in the sequel.

INT. MOSCOW – NIGHT

WESLEY SNIPES

So…. what the fuck am I doing in Moscow, anyway?

CUE: Techno music

END