300: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SPARTA

PERSIAN MESSENGER PETER MENSAH approaches SPARTA and demands to see the king, GERARD BUTLER.

PETER MENSAH

I am a messenger for Rodrigo Santoro. He wants a gift of water and earth from you as a sign that you fall under his rule.

GERARD BUTLER

The men and women of Sparta submit to no ruler.

PETER MENSAH

But they all submit to you. You’re their king. And you submit to a bunch of inbred priests that talk to gods.


GERARD BUTLER

I shall kill you where you stand for pointing out how silly the premise is!

PETER MENSAH

Whoa, hold on. You’re going to kill a messenger? For basically insulting your pride? We’ve already established you kill newborn babies if they don’t look great – killing messengers because your dick is small won’t exactly get the audience on your side.

GERARD BUTLER

Um, it’s for FREEDOM.

PETER MENSAH

Oh, well if you’re going to use the word “freedom” then that changes everything. Clearly you’re the good guys now.

GERARD kills the PERSIANS, sentencing his people to fight a battle they cannot win. This is HEROIC, rather than JUVENILE.

EXT. HOT GATES

GERARD BUTLER, DAVID WENHAM, VINCENT REGAN, and 297 EXTRAS PISSED OFF THEY SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN THE GYM ONLY TO GET A NON-SPEAKING PART all watch as the invading army of CGI invaders renders itself closer and closer.

Suddenly, a MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN appoaches.

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN

Gerard, let me fight by your side. All I ever get are shit parts on TV shows. I’m finally in a movie, please give me some screen time.

GERARD BUTLER

No. Even though you know about a secret passage that will allow the Persians to defeat us, I’ve decided once again that my pride is more important than my intelligence. Fuck off.

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN

Jeeze, what a dick. You’re sure you’re the good guys in this story?

GERARD BUTLER

Freedom!

DAVID WENHAM

Freedom, fuck yeah!

VINCENT REGAN

Freedom is good! And since we use the word freedom, it means we embrace it! Freedom freedom!

A METRIC FUCKTON of PERSIANS attack, but they are killed. The scenes go in and out of slow-motion stylistically as pixelated blood decorates the fake landscape.

VINCENT REGAN

If video game makers are trying so hard to make their games “look like movies” why are we trying so hard to make our movie look like a video game?

GERARD BUTLER

We’re going for the “brainless thick-headed macho asshole” demographic

DAVID WENHAM

Have you seen our costumes? I’m pretty sure we’re going for the “closeted homosexual” demographic.

After some more violence, RODRIGO SANTORO decides to talk.

RODRIGO SANTORO

Bow before me, your new god. I have divine powers, and I shall spare you if you submit to me.

GERARD BUTLER

We will never embrace your silly mysticism. We much prefer our own, with all the inbred mutant guys at the top of the mountain and the naked oracle chick.

RODRIGO SANTORO

You will pay for this! I will burn all Greek writings! Nobody will ever know you existed!

GERARD BUTLER

Greek? I’m Greek? Why the fuck have I been doing a Scottish accent for the entire movie?

RODRIGO SANTORO

For that matter, why are most of my Persian fighters caucasian?

Predictably, MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN tells RODRIGO about the secret passage. Persians surround the Spartans. There is some more fighting as the audience is doused with TESTOSTERONE.

VINCENT REGAN

(dying)

Man, this whole plan was really, really stupid.

GERARD BUTLER

(dying)

Freedom!

VINCENT REGAN

Did I say stupid? I meant brave and inspirational! Freedom!

END