Inglourious Basterds: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE

CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.

DENIS MENOCHET

Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I would! Now, rumour has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?

DENIS MENOCHET

No.

(pause)

Uh, maybe.

(pause)

Yeah.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!

They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.

DENIS MENOCHET

Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!

EXT. ROADSIDE – FRANCE

BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.

BRAD PITT

Now, ya Nazi varmint, I’d like to introduce you to my team. Guy from The Office. Short kid from Freaks and Geeks. Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.

ELI ROTH

Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!

NOT ED HARRIS

Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man.

(pause)

Actually, don’t do that either. Just don’t do anything. Do zero things.

BRAD PITT

Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie. Unless a’course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.

NOT ED HARRIS

You don’t frighten me. Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.

ELI ROTH

Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?

NOT ED HARRIS

Oh shi–

(killed with baseball bat)

BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.

BRAD PITT

Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint. Now, we’re a-gonna let ya go. But first, we’re gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you’re a Nazi.

NAZI SOLDIER

Oh no. Anything but that. I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.

AUDIENCE

I’m impressed so far. This movie seems devoid of Tarantino’s usual obsession with cinema.

The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATRE.

AUDIENCE

God dammit. I hope that’s just some irrelevant character detail.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey, I like your movie theatre. You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the set-piece for the film’s climax.

AUDIENCE

Arrrgghhhhhhh!

DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar…

MELANIE LAURENT

Don’t bother, Daniel. I know who you are.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Man, you fuck one goat…

MELANIE LAURENT

Not that, I just won’t be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.

DANIEL BRUEHL

At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theatre.

MELANIE LAURENT

Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.

MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.

MELANIE LAURENT

Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theatre. Let’s burn it to the ground!

JACKY IDO

Great idea! We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!

MELANIE LAURENT

Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!

Meanwhile…

INT. ESTATE – ENGLAND

MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the première of a movie in France. This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you’re Mike Meyers, aren’t you? Are you trying to be taken seriously again?

MIKE MEYERS

(Austin Powers accent)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Guess not. Let’s just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.

INT. BAR – FRANCE

DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.

DIANE KRUGER

So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie? This is a great idea, it’s a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Yep. You’ll use your fame to get me and my friend into the première where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.

DIANE KRUGER

Er, isn’t your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.

Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.

AUGUST DIEHL

It’s been a while since one of Tarantino’s obnoxious trademarks. How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?

DIANE KRUGER

Das klingt gut!

There’s a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.

BRAD PITT

Alright Diane. Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let’s go ahead with it anyway. We’re going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!

DIANE KRUGER

So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it’s just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?

ELI ROTH

All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the première in a robotic mech suit, I’m going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – FRANCE

HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.

HITLER

This movie is terrible. It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.

GOEBBELS

Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!

HITLER

Hey-oooo!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen! I know all about your plot!

BRAD PITT

Holy Christ is this movie still going on? It’s already been like two hours.

BJ NOVAK

I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

In any case, I’ve decided to surrender.

BRAD PITT

Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No trick. Giving up. That’s how the movie ends.

BJ NOVAK

Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Nope. Done. Movie over. Have a safe drive home, everyone.

MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he’s SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.

BJ NOVAK

Huh. We won kind of. I guess the mission was a total success.

BRAD PITT

Because Hitler is dead?

BJ NOVAK

Hitler? Dude, Eli Roth is toast. No Cabin Fever 2. Score.

END