Guest Article From He-Man

Hey everyone, it's me: He-Man.  Y'know, the Master of the F*cking Universe?  The Legendary Hero that raised all of you through television, action figures, and breakfast cereals?  I used to be a complete badass, but for some reason you've all decided to start making fun of me lately.  At first I was like, "Psh, whatever.  That's cool.  I'm He-Man. I'm f*ckin' awesome. I can take a little fun-poking." But then things started to get out of hand.  People started making shit like this:

There are so many reasons why I can't allow this type of thing to continue.  I mean, the inaccuracies in this picture alone are enough to make Orko shit in his own hat, which is what he does when he's really appalled by something.  Anyway, I decided that now is definitely the time to remind you all just how much of a badass I am.  To begin, you'll probably remember that I live in a f*cking castle, which is pretty f*cking badass to begin with:

This isn't just any normal castle, though; my castle is shaped like a f*cking skull.  Yeah, that's right, a f*cking skull.  And it's also called Castle Greyskull.  Where do you live? In the Oak Terrace Apartments?  In the Shady Meadows Housing Subdivision?  I live in the Castle F*cking Greyskull!  Shit, dude!  It doesn't get any more awesome than that!  Oh, wait, actually it does:

Yeah, that's my tiger, BattleCat.  The first thing you'll notice about him is that he's a green tiger, which is pretty radical.  The second thing you'll notice is that he's a giant f*cking tiger who wears armor, and if you hang around me for more than a few hours, then you'll see what he's good for: I ride around on that armor-clad tiger when I go into battle against all sorts of monsters and beasts and shit that my arch nemesis sends out to destroy me.  And who's my arch nemesis?

Y'know how you have that one asshole neighbour who always bitches about you leaving your dustbin  out on the curb too long?  Well that skeleton dude up there, who's name is Skeletor, is my asshole neighbour. He's an evil sorcerer and a pretty good fighter, despite not having any eyeballs.  He and his weird monster friends want to obliterate me for some unknown reason, and so I have to get a bunch of my weird friends to fight his weird friends, and this is basically my life.  Of course, it takes more than just being a badass to constantly fend off hordes of evil beasts and skeleton men, which is why every now and then I have to hold a giant sword in the air and get zapped by magical lightning that gives me special powers.

Yes, I realize that you can take a picture of me when I'm conjuring the Power of Greyskull and use your photoshop to make me saying something about taking a huge shit.  That's not impressive. I could take a picture of you eating a burrito and make you saying "oh, I'm eating a burrito made of shit" or something like that, so it's stupid for you to even do stuff like that to my pictures so just stop it.  Anyway, what do you have to do to get your magical powers?  What kind of giant predatory beast do you ride around on? What kinds of monsters do you fight on a daily basis?  Yeah, that's what I thought: you don't use magical powers to fight monsters from the back of a tiger, so maybe you should stop mocking those of us who do utilize magic and castles and giant, armor-clad tigers.  Maybe it's time you stopped making shit like this:

 

Seriously. The internet in Eternia isn't full of a bunch of pictures of you jerking off Kim Jong Il or blowing Osama bin Laden.  We're not obsessed with taking videos of you and changing the speech so that you sound like a creepy child molester.  And we would NEVER cast Dolf Lundgren to play you in a movie that has a troll instead of an Orko (they're completely different), so in the future please try to extend the same courtesy to us, and seriously: don't f*ck with me.  I'm f*cking He-Man, Master of the F*cking Universe, and I will wreck you.  Oh yeah, also: The Power is Yours!