Little Kid does worlds best Batman Spoof

Friggin' amazing... He's a better actor than Christian Bale

Inglourious Basterds: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE

CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.

DENIS MENOCHET

Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I would! Now, rumour has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?

DENIS MENOCHET

No.

(pause)

Uh, maybe.

(pause)

Yeah.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!

They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.

DENIS MENOCHET

Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!

EXT. ROADSIDE – FRANCE

BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.

BRAD PITT

Now, ya Nazi varmint, I’d like to introduce you to my team. Guy from The Office. Short kid from Freaks and Geeks. Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.

ELI ROTH

Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!

NOT ED HARRIS

Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man.

(pause)

Actually, don’t do that either. Just don’t do anything. Do zero things.

BRAD PITT

Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie. Unless a’course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.

NOT ED HARRIS

You don’t frighten me. Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.

ELI ROTH

Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?

NOT ED HARRIS

Oh shi–

(killed with baseball bat)

BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.

BRAD PITT

Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint. Now, we’re a-gonna let ya go. But first, we’re gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you’re a Nazi.

NAZI SOLDIER

Oh no. Anything but that. I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.

AUDIENCE

I’m impressed so far. This movie seems devoid of Tarantino’s usual obsession with cinema.

The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATRE.

AUDIENCE

God dammit. I hope that’s just some irrelevant character detail.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey, I like your movie theatre. You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the set-piece for the film’s climax.

AUDIENCE

Arrrgghhhhhhh!

DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar…

MELANIE LAURENT

Don’t bother, Daniel. I know who you are.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Man, you fuck one goat…

MELANIE LAURENT

Not that, I just won’t be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.

DANIEL BRUEHL

At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theatre.

MELANIE LAURENT

Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.

MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.

MELANIE LAURENT

Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theatre. Let’s burn it to the ground!

JACKY IDO

Great idea! We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!

MELANIE LAURENT

Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!

Meanwhile…

INT. ESTATE – ENGLAND

MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the première of a movie in France. This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you’re Mike Meyers, aren’t you? Are you trying to be taken seriously again?

MIKE MEYERS

(Austin Powers accent)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Guess not. Let’s just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.

INT. BAR – FRANCE

DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.

DIANE KRUGER

So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie? This is a great idea, it’s a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Yep. You’ll use your fame to get me and my friend into the première where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.

DIANE KRUGER

Er, isn’t your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.

Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.

AUGUST DIEHL

It’s been a while since one of Tarantino’s obnoxious trademarks. How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?

DIANE KRUGER

Das klingt gut!

There’s a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.

BRAD PITT

Alright Diane. Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let’s go ahead with it anyway. We’re going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!

DIANE KRUGER

So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it’s just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?

ELI ROTH

All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the première in a robotic mech suit, I’m going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – FRANCE

HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.

HITLER

This movie is terrible. It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.

GOEBBELS

Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!

HITLER

Hey-oooo!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen! I know all about your plot!

BRAD PITT

Holy Christ is this movie still going on? It’s already been like two hours.

BJ NOVAK

I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

In any case, I’ve decided to surrender.

BRAD PITT

Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No trick. Giving up. That’s how the movie ends.

BJ NOVAK

Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Nope. Done. Movie over. Have a safe drive home, everyone.

MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he’s SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.

BJ NOVAK

Huh. We won kind of. I guess the mission was a total success.

BRAD PITT

Because Hitler is dead?

BJ NOVAK

Hitler? Dude, Eli Roth is toast. No Cabin Fever 2. Score.

END

Making of My Balls

Dirty Punana is the MOFO jam!!!

FAIL: Street Racing

This is NOT how to street race

How Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Should Have Ended

What do you think people?

Japanese: TV Show Chimp

I have no fucking clue what "this" is. It's obviously a TV program of some kind, but if there's actually a show where a chimp interviews/gropes Japanese actresses, or if it's a clip from some other show, or a comedy bit or whatever, the end result is still a chimp interviewing and groping an attractive Japanese actress. If you know, don't tell me -- I prefer to live with the mystery.........

Top 10 Cruel Things Women Do To Men

They don’t pick up the phone

You convinced her to give you her number and you’re feeling good about yourself. Your charm and good looks have obviously made an impression on her. Unfortunately, when you try to call, she doesn’t pick up or, worse yet, she’s given you a fake number. Some women will give you their numbers because it’s easier than trying to tell you why she’s not interested. What’s more, in the age of caller ID, it’s easy for her to avoid your calls. At least the women who give you a made-up number are being more obvious about the fact that they have no intention of talking to you again.

Use men for free drinks

Some women go out never planning to spend any of their own money on drinks at the bar or club. Instead, they count on their feminine wiles to convince guys to shell out for their libations. Some of these women will take the opportunity of a guy buying a drink for her to begin to get to know him, but others (the cruel variety) will take that drink, flirt a little and move on to the next sucker with money to burn.


Use men as placeholders

Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you notice that her eye is starting to wander. She’s starting more fights with you or not bothering to fight at all anymore. Her friends get quiet when you walk into a room. She’s avoiding your phone calls. Her things are disappearing from your place. The AM article Breakup Warning Signs talked about all these hints that she’s thinking about putting an end to your relationship and, well, they’re cruel things.

If she is a decent person, she’ll just get it over with and dump you already, but if she’s cruel, she’ll hold on to you for a while until somebody new comes along. These girls don’t like to be alone and without a relationship, so instead of putting you out of your misery and ending it, she’ll string you along until she meets someone to replace you. If she’s really cruel, she’ll start things up with him before she’s finalised the breakup with you.

Emotionally manipulate men

Men don’t like to see women cry and some cruel women will take advantage of this fact and use it to get what they want. In general, women are much more emotional than men and it’s easy for some women to use a man’s complete incomprehension of female feelings to get something out of him. A few well-placed tears or a temper tantrum and most men will do anything to get it to stop.

Use physical violence

Men are usually raised with the idea that hitting girls is a major no-no. Unfortunately, there are some cruel women who use this aspect of a man’s personality to gain power over him. In the minds of some women, it’s perfectly acceptable to slap a boyfriend across the face when he says something to piss her off. Knowing that he would never hit her back, this type of woman feels like she can inflict any kind physical pain on him without fear of repercussion. A man is also less likely to tell someone about suffering physical violence at the hands of his girlfriend if he believes he’ll be thought of as weak or pathetic.

Criticise their men in public

A growing trend in television shows and commercials is that of depicting men as bumbling idiots, while their wives and girlfriends are intelligent, in control and flawless. This may contribute to the real life practice of cruel women who criticise and humiliate their men in public places. Women can get away with this in ways that men would never be allowed to. When a woman pokes fun at her man or even soundly debases him, the group surrounding them is more likely to laugh than to be appalled.

They don’t disclose their relationship status

You’ve pulled out all your best moves and you seem to be making progress with the cute girl you’ve just met. When you finally get to the point when you feel you can safely ask for her number, she smiles and says: “I have a boyfriend.” That information would have been nice to have at the beginning of the conversation, love. It’s certainly not the worst thing a woman could do to a man, but it is annoying when she lets you assume that she’s available so that she can enjoy your flirtation and flattery.

They withhold sex

This is a time-tested, and frequently used, cruel thing for women to do to men. For most men, sex is as important as breathing, so withholding it in order to get something she wants or simply to punish her man for his transgressions is a pretty low thing to do, even if it is effective.

They test their men

You’re all ready to go for a night out with your friends, when your girlfriend calls and asks you to change your plans to be with her instead. She doesn’t have any particular reason; she just wants to see you. She knows that you had plans to meet up with the guys, but if you really loved her, you’d come over to her place instead. If her request comes with an “if you really loved me,” then it’s a test. If you choose anything other than immediately rushing to her side, you’re going to fail. This kind of testing in a relationship is indeed cruel and petty.


They flirt to inspire jealousy

Maybe she’s feeling under-appreciated, maybe you’ve just had a big fight or maybe she just enjoys the tortured look on your face. For whatever reason, girls who flirt obviously with other guys in front of their boyfriends are immature and manipulative.

Via AskMen

Music: Take You To The Movies

Pure Niggerishness!

Best Fight Scene EVER!

This fight scene is fuckin' EPIC. I especially like the way the 'victims' formed an orderly 'queue' and took it in turns being despatched.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and The Camel Punch

Arnold Schwarzenegger was a BADMAN back in the 80s! He rarely walked away from an alive bad guy–he once punched a camel to death for bumping in to him slightly

Its a friggin' shambles...

I have no words......

7 Best Maury Povich Paternity Result Reactions

The White Handkerchief Of Victory Method



Any time you can lead the crowd in cheers while you perform a somewhat complicated dance routine, all in celebration that you didn't impregnate a woman, you have a good shot at making this list. But what really makes this method work is the improvisation involved. Notice how this guy removed a handkerchief and rather elegantly waved it to the crowd, as if he owned a horse that just won  Ascot . That's called swagger.

Caption This

Most Awesome - Girlfriend Scare Pranks

New levels of DickishNess has been set

Keanu Reeves Is Immortal

I fuckin' knew it!
His actor skills are so bland and wooden, he doesn't appear to age. Just look at a recent picture of the the man himself:

"I am immortal bitches, look at my facial hair and cry"

Guest Article From He-Man

Hey everyone, it's me: He-Man.  Y'know, the Master of the F*cking Universe?  The Legendary Hero that raised all of you through television, action figures, and breakfast cereals?  I used to be a complete badass, but for some reason you've all decided to start making fun of me lately.  At first I was like, "Psh, whatever.  That's cool.  I'm He-Man. I'm f*ckin' awesome. I can take a little fun-poking." But then things started to get out of hand.  People started making shit like this:

There are so many reasons why I can't allow this type of thing to continue.  I mean, the inaccuracies in this picture alone are enough to make Orko shit in his own hat, which is what he does when he's really appalled by something.  Anyway, I decided that now is definitely the time to remind you all just how much of a badass I am.  To begin, you'll probably remember that I live in a f*cking castle, which is pretty f*cking badass to begin with:

This isn't just any normal castle, though; my castle is shaped like a f*cking skull.  Yeah, that's right, a f*cking skull.  And it's also called Castle Greyskull.  Where do you live? In the Oak Terrace Apartments?  In the Shady Meadows Housing Subdivision?  I live in the Castle F*cking Greyskull!  Shit, dude!  It doesn't get any more awesome than that!  Oh, wait, actually it does:

Yeah, that's my tiger, BattleCat.  The first thing you'll notice about him is that he's a green tiger, which is pretty radical.  The second thing you'll notice is that he's a giant f*cking tiger who wears armor, and if you hang around me for more than a few hours, then you'll see what he's good for: I ride around on that armor-clad tiger when I go into battle against all sorts of monsters and beasts and shit that my arch nemesis sends out to destroy me.  And who's my arch nemesis?

Y'know how you have that one asshole neighbour who always bitches about you leaving your dustbin  out on the curb too long?  Well that skeleton dude up there, who's name is Skeletor, is my asshole neighbour. He's an evil sorcerer and a pretty good fighter, despite not having any eyeballs.  He and his weird monster friends want to obliterate me for some unknown reason, and so I have to get a bunch of my weird friends to fight his weird friends, and this is basically my life.  Of course, it takes more than just being a badass to constantly fend off hordes of evil beasts and skeleton men, which is why every now and then I have to hold a giant sword in the air and get zapped by magical lightning that gives me special powers.

Yes, I realize that you can take a picture of me when I'm conjuring the Power of Greyskull and use your photoshop to make me saying something about taking a huge shit.  That's not impressive. I could take a picture of you eating a burrito and make you saying "oh, I'm eating a burrito made of shit" or something like that, so it's stupid for you to even do stuff like that to my pictures so just stop it.  Anyway, what do you have to do to get your magical powers?  What kind of giant predatory beast do you ride around on? What kinds of monsters do you fight on a daily basis?  Yeah, that's what I thought: you don't use magical powers to fight monsters from the back of a tiger, so maybe you should stop mocking those of us who do utilize magic and castles and giant, armor-clad tigers.  Maybe it's time you stopped making shit like this:

 

Seriously. The internet in Eternia isn't full of a bunch of pictures of you jerking off Kim Jong Il or blowing Osama bin Laden.  We're not obsessed with taking videos of you and changing the speech so that you sound like a creepy child molester.  And we would NEVER cast Dolf Lundgren to play you in a movie that has a troll instead of an Orko (they're completely different), so in the future please try to extend the same courtesy to us, and seriously: don't f*ck with me.  I'm f*cking He-Man, Master of the F*cking Universe, and I will wreck you.  Oh yeah, also: The Power is Yours!

Caption This

HIP HOP DISHONORS

Scary Wake Up Pranks

Try this shit on me and ill fucking destroy you!

25 People With Gross Nails

 via HolyTaco

Caption this!

Finally Killed the RoadRunner, What Now?

Newborn Baby Rapper

I have no words for this.. The parents should be ashamed of themselves.
Why the fuck are you making a mockery of your own pickney?!!

Gilera Mouth Runner's Corner - F**Kin Gucci Belt

Gilera Mouth Runner's Corner


That Girl Egypt that sings that in the Mornin (Let your love come in) song looks like a MAN, in the Video she looks like a Man Dressed up as a Woman FACT!! "She" Looks like a Transvestite

Alright listen can you Pricks do me a Favour and stop wearin the Same F**Kin Gucci Belt


 F**Kin Gucci Belt

I mean why the F**K would you all go and buy the same F**kin Belt?? Why not get somethin different why save all your "Road" (Footlocker wages) money and go buy the same belt as every other Dick Head Its like all you Punks think that when you get the belt you've made it hahaaha Get Somethin Else or at least a different colour!! The people that were rockin the Belts first (can't still be wearin them??) must be Pissed wid you Tramps turnin up 8 man deep all wearin the same GG Red and Green S**T I swear someone made a song bout that?? You Clowns Piss me the F**K Off F**K You!

If you go to the wrong West end Club you'll see this:
A bunch of Pricks will be walkin round the Club all wearin the same F**kin Belt wid Sunglasses on holdin empty Champagne Bottles Hahaaaha you Silly Dick Heads why would you do this??
 
 Silly Dick Heads

I mean why would you be in a Club wearin Sunglasses? Even people with sunglasses on their heads in Clubs or anywhere where there's no sun get on my F**kin Nerves do you think you look "Fly"?? Well you don't you look like Pricks!! First of all you're Gonna Strain your Eyes and you'll need real glasses in the Future and second of all its hard enough to see what chicks are live in a Club without "Stunners" on also can you Fools do me a favour if you can't afford Champagne get a glass of lemonade a straw no ice and drink it slow but please don't pick up someones empty Champagne bottle go to the toilet and fill it with water, its a bad idea really not Cool swear down.

Broke and Thirsty Looking

You're Just lettin the Chicks know that you're a Dick head straight away, at least try and Hide your Dick head-ness until you get to Speak to a Chick then you Can tell her that your a "Baller". You Fuckin Faggotts Go Watford or something if you wanna do this Fake Ballin Shit Go Newcastle or some other Place Full of Tramps maybe that way it won't be so easy for people to realise you're an idiot

Suck your mums Dick

Yours Faithly

Gilera

Twitter.com/Gileraa
Facebook.com/Gileraa

Don't forget to Subscribe to my Youtube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/MrGilera

Caption This - Akon and Wyclef

Gilera Street Shit - Cartoon Clash JLS

Drunk Russians 'Fighting'

There will never be a shortage of videos featuring drunk Russians fighting.  This one is pretty much the same as all the other ones, except that it's got some whimsical-sounding Russian music to make it feel more authentic, and there's an excellent moment at about 1:00 when a stranger comes out of nowhere and attempts to break up the fight by cold-cocking everyone involved.  Stay golden, Russia.

Oh, The Irony

So more than the obvious is wrong with this picture

Who Pays On The First Date

For once I agree with this guy. First date, 50/50

MILF Solicitors - Wingman

Retardedly funny!

Reasons Why I Hate You

Poetry in motion

Another Dancehall Madness

Skerrit Bwoy is a loon!

The World’s Best Wedding Entrance Dance

This is the Sheeeeee-it! If I ever get married, this the way I'll do it... well not quite but close!

Tekken The Movie * Exclusive Trailer*

This non profit fan trailer is seriously impressive.

Kid Solidifies "Only Child" Status

What a lil BASTARD?!! I would have been so fucked off if that had happen to me

Superhero Facebook Status Updates

Via  Comicsalliance

Chunky Loving

Dude went arrrrd on that pillow! WTF was up with that belly button shit?!!

What's wrong with this picture?

These Piano Stairs Will Motivate Even The Laziest of You

Piano stairs makes me hope to be there just as someone slips down it, so that their stumbling activates a comical out-of-tune frantic piano sound

REVENGE OF THE PUSSY BEGGAR

Cockblockin' Gone Too Far

PISSED!

Cockblockin' Biatch

What a frikkin' liberty!

Sex Chat Line Commercial

For all the ladies that want a THUG, skip the bullshit and get at the source.

Rick Ross *EXCLUSIVE* "ARREST THIS TOWN" JAY-Z RUN THIS TOWN FREESTYLE

Officer RICKKKKKKKKKKY goes ARRRRRRRD

MIKE EPPS - "Gettin' Some Head with Grandma"

Funny Fucker

Caption this!

SISSY NOBBY Party - WTF!

This dude has people acting retarded!

Major Fail

Who the fuck does he think he's fooling? Surely if you can build the facade, you can build the muthafuckin' rest!


His house guests must be PISSED

Seth Green, Dr Evil's Son, Looses The Plot

Japanese Sesame Street

Via Warming Glow via [BoingBoing via Videogum]

This sheeeee-it creeped me the fuck out!Jheeze
All that sexually harassment and swearing.....

Woman Making Out with Her Iphone

The Japanese had to take things one step further!
I know people who tongue kiss their Iphones without the need of a app!

Lick Yer Iphone Game

This has to be the most retarded game I have ever seen! Why the fuck would you want to lick the screen of your phone? What if your homie wanted to try it? To many questions, all nonsensical!

Black Mother GIVES PORN-STYLE SEX ADVICE To Her TEENAGE Daughter

She's doesn't f*ck with animals... that's alright then!
Shame she has traumatised her daughter for life.. she must of been drunk

And You Thought Black Folk Loved Chicken, Look Again

Get that fat MOFO so damn food before he starves to death

Explosive cat fight! Sex! Betrayal! Foul language!

Mr Ugly Man

Shabba Ranks got Parrrred!

25 Hilarious Roller Coaster Photos

 

24 Hour Ghetto Workout (Parody)

Jheeze..

Officer Rickkkkkkky Slipped, Fell And Couldn't Get Up

Wtf! HAM New Trend My Azz Eyebrow Weave?

Hot Mz or Hot Mess?

H.E.D. - HYPER ERECTION DISORDER : Male Enhancement Gone Bad

Jheeze!

This Is Special - Drop Your Opinions People

Flowchart To Determine If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

Click on the pic to enlarge.

The 7 Best Mexican-Related Urbandictionary.com Entries

 I am such a big fan of Urbandictionary that I compiled a list about my latest favourite hype... Mexican Related Entries.

 

Yes, that is incredibly similar to how a Mexican wrestling mask is worn. Sounds painful though.

 

So often relationships tend to drag on and on, even after you've broken up.  Shitting on someone after having intercourse with them hammers home the point of "Bitch, I don't want to see you again."

 

I would say the most awkward part about this one would be the inserting of the piece of frozen shit into a woman's Vajayjay, but I'm actually leaning towards your flatmate coming home and finding a piece of shit in the freezer as being more awkward. I don't know, flatmate's just don't understand sometimes.  Now that I think about it, the sitting around and waiting for the shit to melt might be kind of fucked, too.

 

I think my favorite part about this one is four people looked at the first two entries, then saw the third one and was like "Nah, this one is stupid.  I'm voting thumbs down."

 

This one is a muthafuckin' classic, I mean, what else are you supposed to do if a lady won't swallow you kids..

 

 

See, not all Urban Dictionary entries are things that have happened.  Sometimes entries are from go getters like the guy who wrote this, who inspire us to achieve greatness.

 

It's got to be anal, because if it's vaginal sex and you say "I have AIDS," that's not that scary, she might just be like "eh," and continue having sex with you.

The 7 Deadly Sins of Sharing a Bathroom

When you're sharing a bathroom with a roommate, spouse, or girlfriend, there are tons of rules of etiquette that come into play.  Everyone knows the basic rules, like changing the toilet paper roll when it's empty, and using pre-designated towels so that you don't get a facefull of your roommate's ball juice the next time you dry off, but there are rules that are far more important than that.  These are The Seven Deadly Sins of a Shared Bathroom:

 

Leaving Coagulated Piss on the Toilet Seat

 

 

Nobody can be blamed for imperfect aim.  Even Maverick missed a shot in Top Gun. It happens to everyone, but you can be blamed for not cleaning up your mess.  If you piss on the toilet seat, back, side, or any other part of the toilet that doesn't come into contact with flush water, it's your responsibility to eliminate the evidence.  If you happen to find yourself in a "Cleaning Up Someone Else's Piss" scenario, the ideal circumstances will consist of fresh, completely liquid piss.  It's a simple wipe-up job that's relatively low-risk, and you can still yell at your roommate for it.  If the piss is dry, you're going to have to forcefully scrape that brown, smelly gunk off the porcelain. This dried, coagulated piss gunk is most likely going to be located on the toilet bowl's taint, which is the area located just behind the seat and in front of the tank, usually where the toilet manufacturer's logo is.  Scraping dried piss off of any taint is never an enjoyable chore, especially when it's not even your piss.

 

Neglecting a Floater

 

If you're ever going to look at shit, it's best to view when it's as fresh as possible, preferably in a well-ventilated outdoor area with some beautiful landscaping nearby.  Staring at a 5 hour-old shit in a pool of swampy toilet water, on the other hand, is not an ideal viewing situation.  The general rule is this: if you shit in a beautiful rose garden or rainforest or something, it's okay to make your roommate look at it, but if it's just in your toilet, you gotta flush that down, pronto.  Also, make sure that the flush takes, because the only thing worse than encountering a floater is being shit-ambushed by a ninja floater that's lurking like a moray eel in the toilet pipes, waiting to pounce on the first unwitting visitor to disturb its pool of shitty doom.

 

Getting Pubes on the Soap

 

 

Few things are more disgusting than getting in the shower and discovering that your bar of soap feels like a pad of steel wool because it's covered in someone else's pubic hair. If you find yourself on the "Just About to Commit This Sin" side of the scenario, it's best to maintain some sense of courtesy and just use the shampoo to wash your balls with.  If you happen to be on the receiving end of this unforgivable sin, then...I don't know what to tell you.  What do you do when the object you've trusted for cleanliness suddenly covers you in someone else's pubic hair?  It's a betrayal that will not be easily forgotten.

 

Using Your Roommate's Razor to Shave Your Balls

 

 

Whether it's a surprise visit from the blowjob fairy, a sex-crazed bus-load of cheerleaders crashing in your front yard, or that chick from the bar who just asked you to picture-message her a photo of your boner, everyone's been in a situation where they needed to do a little manscaping in a hurry, but using someone else's razor to shave your balls is simply unforgivable.  A dull razor works like a bricklayer's trowel, scraping the taint and ball area and collecting all that lies therein.  All the tapping and water-dousing in the world will never free the tiny pube particles from beneath the razor's blades.  The message you're sending to your roommate is this: "I don't care if my dirty taint and ball skin comes into contact with your upper lip."  That not only makes you disgusting, it also makes you a little creepy for being comfortable with that idea in the first place.

 

Getting Semen on Anything

 

 

This is one of the biggest differences between having your own bathroom and sharing a bathroom with someone else: there should never be any semen in a shared bathroom.  None at all.  Zero.  Zilch semen.  Nadas semenos.  When you have your own bathroom, you can use it to make as much semen as you want, and you can get it everywhere.  It almost seems like you can't cover too much of your own bathroom with semen.  But when you're sharing a bathroom with another person, it absolutely, positively must be designated a semen-free zone.  Alright, occasionally you may be able to rub a quick one out in the shower, but only if you have one of those shower heads that you can bend around, because after you bust it in the shower, you need to hose the whole thing down like it's a U-Haul trailer with a dead body in it.  Other than that, though, it is completely sinful to get even a drop of semen on anything in a shared bathroom, so don't do it.

 

Dropping Your Roommates Toothbrush Anywhere

 

 

The most sacred item in a shared bathroom is the toothbrush.  When used correctly, it should come in contact with your mouth at least two times daily.  Consequently, it seems very strange that many of us leave our toothbrushes just sitting out for the whole world to mistreat and abuse in any manner it wants.  Toothbrushes are usually propped up on the sink, or lying on the counter next to it.  As a result, they're very easy to bump onto the floor, which is where pubic hairs go to die in a shared bathroom.  In the case of a toothbrush on a bathroom floor, the five-second rule does not apply.  Five seconds on a bathroom floor equals five seconds of bristles snagging pubes, which translates to pubes stuck in the toothbrush and inevitably leads to pubes in your mouth.  Toothbrushes in shared bathrooms should be treated exactly like friends during the Vietnam War: if yours falls, abandon it immediately and quickly find another one.

 

Shitting in the Shower

 

 

If you shit in the shower on purpose, you should definitely stop doing that, because it's just wrong, whether you share a bathroom or not.  If you're a normal person, you probably shit in the shower from time to time, but it's always completely by accident.  You know how it goes: you crawl into the shower after a long night of drinking, stumbling, and failed street sign thefts, only to realize that you've had a dingleberry clinging to your ass-crack hairs for who knows how long.  The good news is that the shower water has dislodged it from the spider web of hair surrounding your shithole.  The bad news is that now it's resting comfortably on the shower floor with a size and girth suggesting that it has no intention of yielding to the force of the shower water and slipping affably down the drain.  Your first instinct is to just kick the shit to the drain and mash it down in there with your foot until you can't see it anymore, because somehow cramming shit into a hole with your bare foot seems less disgusting than picking it up with your hand.  Resist this knee-jerk reaction.  There's no easy way to get out of it, but the best thing to do is to simply pick up the shit, throw it into the toilet, and remember to flush as soon as you get out of the shower (in order to avoid Sin #2).  The last thing you want is for the shower drain to get clogged, and then when the plumber comes to unclog the pipes, he finds your shit mashed in there.  Then you'll have to explain that you shit in the shower and mashed it down the drain with your foot, which is going to gross out the plumber, whose entire job is getting garbage, shit, and waste dislodged from small spaces.  If you gross that guy out, then you are truly a disgusting force to be reckoned with.