How To: Look Like You're Working All Day, Even When You're Not

8 hours is a long-ass fu*kin' time to be doing work every day. Luckily, there are about a million ways to look like you're working when you're actually not doing jack-shit. Faking an entire day of work will take some real skill, and a combination of a few different techniques. Here are a few of the most promising ones to get you started:

Step 1: Always Have a Graph On Your Computer Screen

Graphs contain data, and data equals work, so as long as you've got a graph open on your computer, that means you're working. It really doesn't matter what the graph is, either, which is why graphjam is such an incredible site. You can scroll through thousands of user-submitted graphs that run the gamut of ridiculous themes and subject matter. They look like real graphs, but they're amusing at the same time. Take the picture above, for example: it looks like that dude is keeping busy with some graph-related work doesn't it? Here's what he's really looking at:

Step 2: Eat Lunch at Your Desk Sometimes

Nothing says "I'm busy" more than working while you're eating. Of course, you don't want to be the guy who always eats his lunch alone at his desk, but it's a good idea to turn down lunch invitations every now and then, emphasizing that you've "got a lot on your plate". This way, your co-workers will come to expect that sometimes you've got a lot of work, and they'll be less suspicious when you actually have nothing to do.

Step 3: Talk in Phone Code

Talking on the phone is a quick way to pass the time at work, but personal calls are probably frowned upon. Personal calls are a funny thing though, in that they're only personal if your company knows that they're personal. Think about it: if you hear someone talking on the phone, how do you determine whether it's a business call, or a personal call? It's simple: you can tell by the way they're speaking. Business calls are more formal and more professional sounding, and you can use this tone to easily conceal a personal call. Here are a few translations of personal call dialogue into business call code, to help you get started:

What You Want to Say: "Okay, fam! I'll see ya tonight for the game, and I'll bring the scuds!"

Business Translation: "Sounds good, Jim. We're still on for the meeting this afternoon? Great. I'll bring the numbers that I promised you."

What You Want to Say: "Happy Birthday, sweetheart! I'm gonna f*ck you raw when I get home tonight!"

Business Translation: "Congratulations, Barbara! I'm gonna shove a huge package into your chair warmer later this afternoon!"

Step 4: Always Have Your Hands Full

Look at the dudes in this picture. They aren't doing shit. They're just standing there holding things. One of the guys is even lounging against the window. They look really busy though. Why? Because they're carrying things. It's not necessary to have your hands as full as these amateurs do, but it's important to always have something in your hands, even if it's just a file or a notebook, or something like that. Having something in your hands creates the impression that you're doing something with that object, which means you're working.

With these four simple steps and a little bit of practice, you should have no problem bullshitting your way through an entire work day every now and then. Sure, you could just take a sick day, but what's the fun in that?