Japanese Sesame Street

Via Warming Glow via [BoingBoing via Videogum]

This sheeeee-it creeped me the fuck out!Jheeze
All that sexually harassment and swearing.....

Japanese Air Hockey - You Know It A Madness

F*ck class A drugs.. this will give you a natural high or an epileptic fit.

MENSTRA-SYSTEM IS THE MEAL PLAN FOR THOSE SPECIAL CRAVINGS

Menstra-System - watch more funny videos

SERIOUS!

Best fight scene of all time

This shit is fuckin' bananas... A truly incredible fight scene!

UGLYMAN - WHIP GAME PROPER

Jheeze....Put a Tee or something on homie... My eyes are bleeding yet strangely captivated by your man boobs!

Some Toxic Avenger B-Movie Madness

This Toxic Avenger clip is a pretty good illustration of why Troma Films is so fuckin' awesome: Troma bad guys don't just rob diners; they rape girls, too. Blind girls. And they kill the blind rape victim's seeing eye dog first.... And the dog has a loveable name, like Gary. Then the bad guy gets beaten to death with his own ripped off arm. Hey, you don't become the best bullshit movie production company in the world by being lazy and stupid, right?

The best Ad of all time!

Its not what you think!

Handerpants - The Underpants for Your Hands

Fucking amazing!!!! I need some of these...

STAR & BUC WILD: Open Letter to Drake

Star asks the question: Is Drake's debut video, "The Best I Ever Had," the worst we've ever seen?

Surviving Edged Weapons

This the madness that is Surviving Edged Weapons, a training video that seems to be half charming Canadian accents, half Filipino martial arts and 100 percent awesome SHEEEEEE-IT!

Another Mariah Track being murdered

I rate her for having the confidence and the arm muscles to do this but WOMAN!!!!..... learn the fuckin' words before attempting to sing this song for a start.... then learn how to friggin' sing!
You murdered this!

The 10 Most Ridiculous Rapper Chains

Rappers love their BLING. Some rappers don't even have their own homes but as long as the ice is right, it's all gravy like Fat Joe's dinner table. I've seen some nice rapper chains...but I've also seen a lot of terrible ones. More often than not rappers seem to buy chains for reaction rather than thinking "is this something I'll actually wear a week from now?" Here are the 10 most ridiculous rapper chains.

10. YUNG BERG


Berg's chain wasn't the worst looking one around, but I just don't understand why this guy has (or should I say had) a Transformers symbol around his neck? Was he in the movie? I used to like to watch The Flintstones but I also have a grip on reality and don't need an iced out Barney. If you love a certain cartoon tell people on Facebook...not your neck.

9. YUNG JOC


Yung Joc's chain says "Hustlenomics." It could also seriously injure a baby. The worst thing about this chain is just how big and terrible it looks...kinda just like a chunky of random metal hanging off his neck. The person wearing it doesn't help the situation either. The "H" is for horrible.

8. GUCCI MANE


Cowabullshit. Why would a grown ass man want this chain? Isn't your chain supposed to impress women? Imagine sexin' a chick with Bart Simpson hangin' on her baby feeders? Yeah sure Bart's happy but you look like a dick.

7. GHOSTFACE KILLAH


Yes Ghostface used to wear a dinner plate around his neck...he also used to wear a gigantic eagle on his arm. And while the plate does look ridiculous, it also opened the door for everyone to rock chains. Hit your mum's china cabinet, get some rope and your in business. Even little Ghostface rocked it:



6. VERBAL FROM THE TERIYAKI BOYZ


"Ya colors too bright." Not too sure what to say about this one. It looks like someone shitted out coloured diamonds and this is what happened. It's not that surprising since the guy is wearing 3-D glasses. I'd need to be in a drug induced coma to wear this.

5. RICK ROSS


Unless you ARE Jesus Christ, don't do this. The worst part is that some people probably mistake it for Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince wearing sunglasses. The question remains: Are those sunglasses iced out Ricky is rockin' real or fake?

4. BUSTA RHYMES


If you are gonna drop serious cash money on a chain, make sure it doesn't look like it was a 2 for 1 special at the flea market. This shit is just plain ugly. The "Map Of New York City" portion on top looks like it would break off mad easy and the colours give New York City a sort of Fruity Pebbles vibe. I hope Busta kept the receipt.

3. T-PAIN
* NOTE - T-Pain started off as a rapper and still raps. He counts... kinda


According to T-Pain on Twitter, this chain cost him $410,000. I'm pretty sure there are kids in Ethiopia right now playing darts with a picture of Teddy P. I get the joke. It's a big ass chain and it says "Big Ass Chain." Hilarious. You know what else is funny? How fuckin' dumb it looks.

2. SEAN KINGSTON


There are so many things to dislike about Sean Kingston that it makes it challenging to just focus on the chain. That being said, I'm going do my best. First of all why? Does anyone look at this and go "yo Sean that is dope man." He's lucky those crayons don't come out the box 'cause if he wore this around me I'd go straight colouring book status on his eyes.

1. SKOOL BOY


I don't know who the fuck Skool Boy is but I do know he has the most ridiculous chain I've ever seen. Look, I love spicy chicken wings but you don't see me with an iced out 10 piece around my neck do you? I'd imagine even the person he bought this from looked at him like "n*gga is you crazy?" It has gotta be rough when your chain has more buzz than you.

Watchmen: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!

Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Wait! Don’t kill me! I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.

(bleeds)

Okay, ready.

RABID FANBOIS

Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.

The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window. This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.


JACKIE EARLE HALEY, wearing a mask made of AMAZON KINDLE ELECTRONIC INK, investigates JEFFREY’S APARTMENT and discovers he was the masked vigilante THE COMEDIAN.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY (V.O.)

(growling)

Jackie’s Journal: A comedian died tonight. And I’m not talking about a Carlos Mencia performance. Someone is going around killing masked heroes, and I’m going to find out who sometime within the next three excruciating hours. Hope everyone went to the bathroom already.

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR

JACKIE meets up with PATRICK WILSON in his secret hideout.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Patrick, someone is killing superheros, so you should watch your back.

PATRICK WILSON

Any particular reason you’re whispering as loudly as possible?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I just finished watching The Dark Knight. This is how superheroes talk, isn’t it?

PATRICK WILSON

Fair enough. I pretty much stole my costume from that movie. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about the superhero killer coming after me. I haven’t worn my superhero costume since masked vigilantism was outlawed in the totally alternate 1970’s! Everything is so alternate here!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I know! And New Coke was never released after Pepsi got the superhero endorsement!

PATRICK WILSON

Ohmigod so alternate!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Not to mention how Microsoft skipped over Windows 1.0 and went straight to Windows ME!

PATRICK WILSON

My mind is blown, holy shit alternate reality!

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY

JACKIE breaks into a MILITARY RESEARCH FACILITY to meet with BILLY CRUDUP and MALIN AKERMAN.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Hey. Nice to see you again, fellow superheroes.

MALIN AKERMAN

Fellow superheroes? The only one of us with any goddamn powers is Billy.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

That’s not true. My mask changes patterns randomly for some reason, that’s kind of like a power. And what about your power to still have a career after starring in The Heartbreak Kid?

BILLY CRUDUP

Enough chit-chat. I have very important work to do with this nuclear something-or-other. What do you want, Jackie?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.

BILLY CRUDUP

If only you could perceive my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Yeah, that actually sounds like some kind of hell. Anyway, I came by to find out if you had any idea who was murdering Watchmen.

BILLY CRUDUP

Isn’t it obvious? Zack Snyder.

JACKIE leaves to go do some brooding elsewhere while MALIN visits her mother, CARLA GUGINO.

INT. CARLA GUGINO’S HOUSE

MALIN is teleported to her MOTHER’S HOUSE.

MALIN AKERMAN

Mom, I came here to tell you that Jeffery Dean Morgan is dead.

CARLA GUGINO

Mom? We’re like the same age. My “old person makeup” looks worse than Adam Sandler’s from Click. Are people buying this?

MALIN AKERMAN

Did you hear me? That asshole The Comedian is dead. The guy that raped you! That’s right, RAPED! In a comic book movie! Because the one thing missing from Spiderman was some FUCKING RAPE.

CARLA GUGINO

He wasn’t so bad. He only raped me because it was such a simple way to establish that this comic book story is for adults.

MALIN AKERMAN

Mom, there’s no such thing as comics for adults. There are just comics for kids and comics for kids that they have to hide from their parents because they contain drawings of boobs.

Meanwhile, various SUPERHEROES attend the funeral of JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN and treat the audience to a handful of flashbacks including MATTHEW GOODE’s formation of the WATCHMEN, society’s revolt against vigilantism, and this one time in Vietnam where JEFFREY was replaced by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY

Later, BILLY CRUDUP, BILLY CRUDUP, and BILLY CRUDUP are all having sex with MALIN AKERMAN. Suddenly, she stops him.

MALIN AKERMAN

What the… why are there three versions of you having sex with me?

BILLY CRUDUP

What? I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.

MALIN AKERMAN

Well, of course I do, but still… that was easily the third strangest group sex I’ve ever had.

MALIN notices another copy of BILLY working on his nuclear THINGAMAJIG.

MALIN AKERMAN

What the fuck? You’re working in here too? Why did you even say you wanted to have sex if you would have rather worked?

BILLY CRUDUP

It’s not like that, Malin. I definitely needed to get laid. After all… I’ve got blue balls.

MALIN AKERMAN

…

BILLY CRUDUP

Hey-oooo!

MALIN AKERMAN

Ugh. I’m leaving you, Billy.

BILLY CRUDUP

Please don’t dump me, Malin. It would make me so… blue. Eh? Eh?

MALIN leaves to go see PATRICK WILSON. Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR

JACKIE EARLE HALEY returns to PATRICK WILSON’S LAIR.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

I think I’ve figured out who killed Jeffrey.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh? Let me guess. It would have to be one of the main superheroes to have any impact. He didn’t glow blue, he was too tall to be Malin, and it couldn’t have been either of us. Must be that douchebag Matthew Goode. That was easy, did that take you the entire movie?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

… God dammit. Jackie’s Journal: Patrick Wilson is a dick.

JACKIE and PATRICK fly to MATTHEW GOODE’S FORTRESS OF SMARMITUDE using a SHIP SHAPED LIKE E.T.’S HEAD.

INT. MATTHEW GOODE’S HIDEOUT

JACKIE and PATRICK enter MATTHEW’S HIDEOUT.

MATTHEW GOODE

Welcome to my fortress, fellow do-gooders!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Cut the crap, Matthew. We know you killed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

MATTHEW GOODE

But of course! Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?

PATRICK WILSON

Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?

MATTHEW GOODE

Who, Mr. Meowkins? He’s my pet.

PATRICK WILSON

Right. I figured that. But it’s kind of distracting, don’t you think you should at least explain–

MATTHEW GOODE

My evil plot? Certainly! You see, people are heading toward nuclear annihilation. What I’m doing is detonating energy bombs all over the world, which will look like the work of Billy Crudup. Then, rather than destroy each other, all of the nations of the world will unite after this tragedy, ushering in an era of world peace that will probably last five or six years.

PATRICK WILSON

You mean to tell me that you believe that if people thought that Billy Crudup, the very tool by which the United States exercised it’s power over other nations, were responsible for destroying cities all over the world, that the world’s response would be to join hands with us rather than unite to kill us for creating the problem that led to their demise?

MATTHEW GOODE

Ummm…

PATRICK WILSON

And you’re supposedly “the smartest man alive.” Smarter than the guy that can see time.

MATTHEW GOODE

Look, it’s better than the thing with the squid.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

Alright, you know what time it is?

MATTHEW GOODE

One minute to midnight on the cheesy doomsday clock symbol?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

(growling)

No, time for a slow motion fight scene!

They all FIGHT in SLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOTTTIIOONNN. THENSUDDENLYFASTMOTION! Then SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MOOOOTTIIIIOOONNNN AAAGGGAAIIIINNNN.

PATRICK WILSON

Can we hurry this along? I’m getting really sweaty in this thing and my costume is starting to smell like baked asshair.

Suddenly, BILLY and MALIN teleport onto the scene.

MATTHEW GOODE

Ah, Billy, glad you could join us. I was just telling the rest of the gang about how I’m framing you for murdering thousands.

BILLY CRUDUP

It doesn’t matter. Humans have the same number of particles whether living or dead.

MATTHEW GOODE

What? That’s not accurate at all. Think about that for a second. That’s like saying humans consist of the same number of particles whether full or starving.

BILLY CRUDUP

Either way, I don’t value human life, so do whatever you want.

(pause)

Actually, I value human life now. I can’t let you destroy so many lives.

(pause)

Upon further reflection, I value life, but I’m not going to stop your plan. I’ll just teleport out of here and go create some life myself.

(teleports)

*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***

CITIES all across the world are VAPORIZED. It’s DEPRESSING, just like the COMIC BOOK. The movie tries to end on a high note, but FAILS.

ZACK SNYDER

I did it! Alan Moore said Watchmen was “inherently unfilmable” but I pulled it off! Not so bad, was it Alan Moore?

ALAN MOORE

Film is an inferior form of art, spoon-feeding audience goers and watering down our collective cultural imagination. This movie was garbage, as are all movies.

ZACK SNYDER

Dude. You write comic books. Stop acting like you’re fucking Monet, you pretentious jackass.

The RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.

END

Online Dating Fail - I thought honesty was the best policy...

If you ask most women what they'd like in a man, they'd say 'honestly'. It's a valiant quality and not found in most people. So how are you rewarded when you're one of the few 'honest' ones out there? You're rejected for love. What sort of world do we live in?

It looks as if online dating just isn't cutting it. I suggest society heads back to an earlier time when you could just club a woman over the head and take her back to your cave. Ah, good times.

I Am A 70 Year Old Woman And I Just Happened Across The Big Penis Book In My Son's Room

This had me in stitches... First off, what 70 year old woman can manage to navigate their way to an Amazon review much less get on the internet?
This must be a skank!

Temptation is a bitch!!! Mikey's moment of madness Part 1... by Guest Writer - Mikey Tuppence Bissessar

As i walks in the canteen at work earlier, i spot temptation instantly staring me blue in the face.
Big freshly baked cherry muffin started chattin shit in my ears as i walks past, n whispering at that too, so to make the till/dinner lady look at me with her puzzled expression ( as if her normal boat wasnt enough to make me cringe ) not having a clue who i am talkin to.
This till/dinner lady looks at me like i'm nutts....HELLO your the UUmpa Luumpa who is plonked on the chair all day behind the till shotting big cakes, drinks, sweets n messy sarnies with your white apron on n hat to match ( so small, cld pass for a party hat ) not to mention the long dull coloured bum fluffed socks that reach her knees.
So anyways, this little adorable cherry muffin say's ' psst psst sweetbwoy pops over yasso ' ( I'm thinkin sweetbwoy pops, who you kidding, i'm only 36 kmt ) I'm looking at Ms Muffin now ( i'm sure it's a she as her voice is sensual n soft, not to mention she has cherries dont, plus Mikey don't play that Wrong Said Fred shit!! ).
Ms Muffin say's ' you kno you want me, i can see the look in your eyes, go on be a freaky devil this morning n come on over n nibble me cherries sweets '
I am like ' what the rarse, move yuh damn self-i am easing off you fine baked beauties as your no good for me, so fuck off why dont ya' * thinking Granma says weh sweet yuh-will sour yuh *
I proceed to the hot drinks machine to deal with me ginger tea, but as i am pouring the hot water over me ginger granules, one of these frigging cherries decides to jump outta the muffin n roll over to my cup n plop into me hot drink n starts doing backstrokes in me gingertea.
Then decides to jump out onto the work top n break off some amazing road work looking like something outta Dukes of hazard, n got me thinking damn this is some serious va va vroom at its best right ere.
I neglect my cuppa of the finest ginger tea for a hot minute to pick up the buffest cherry ragga muffin i see on display as i can't take it no longer and have to get it, n proceed to the ole not so inviting till/dinner lady, n WOW n BEHOLD, i only have enough for me hot drink. damn you muffin man, shiit got me up like a real crack head up in this canteen right now.

My head starts to hurt, my eyes are bulging, i 'm having hot flushes, cold sweats, even getting the shakes looking like a played out black Shaking Stevens ( not a good look ).
Haaa-Aarh, cash link is like 10 yards across the canteen hall, so i cop a tenner out the hole, in order to get that 99p Cherry Ragga Muffin.
Then the moment we was waiting fro occurs, an get to indulge in such a pleasurable moment of happiness, it's almost as if i was having a threesome or involved in some sort of love triangle, to how it felt so wrong but sooo good, infact you cld say it was a clean orgy, me Ms Muffin n all dem cherries mmm...

To how i cracked n got me freak on that freshly baked cherry ragga muffin, i all felt slightly bad n guilty, especially at how it just had me up in the canteen soh. when i realised i didn't have the money on me to pay for it, i almost considered proposing a devilish sinful act to the till/dinner lady. Bear in mind she looks like a greek hobbit/womble type with hairy legs, also she rocks that bushy afro curly look like the one with the curly black hair in the Marx Brothers. Thank god for cash machine links!!!

I have heard of Talk To Frank, but i am thinking i need to contact Talk To Mr Kipling.....
Temptation is a Bitch!!!


by Guest Writer - Mikey Tuppence Bissessar