What if we were restricted to 140 characters in real life?
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Friday, 25 September 2009
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Nothing to do.. might as well jerk off.
Do you ever catch yourself feeling that way?
The other day, I was sitting traffic (London traffic is the best-- you get so much shit done) and I just whipped out my dick. Now granted, this is unorthodox, but still-- it was in my own vehicle. Much better than the time I pulled it out while in the doctors office waiting area.
But I've often wondered; do people masturbate out of necessity or habit? Is it because we actually crave the need to feel the man goo be shot out of our thundersticks or is it because as men, our hands just naturally gravitate towards our genitalia?
Women-- feel free to join in on this as well. Do you ever get the urge to jump on a large flag pole when you see it and slide down to the bottom in fits of glee?
I would propose a contest, not unlike the Seinfeld contest, or the film 40 days and 40 nights, but I know I would lose. But I do think that from now on, I will make a conscious effort to only tickle my pickle when I absolutely need to. And not just because it's convenient. And women-- you could help us guys with this as well! Do you know how many hours a man wastes a day masturbating? It's a fuckin' lot, I'll tell you!
Being a woman, you have a power that we don't-- the power to have sex whenever you fucking want to. If a guy wants sex, he usually has to spend about 50 quid, put on a happy face, be as witty and charming as Ryan Reynolds, and he miiiiiiiiiiiiiight get his dick wet later that night. When a girl wants to fuck? All she has to do is go to a bar and be there. A guy will hit on her and she has her pick of the litter. Or, if women were really smart (and by this, I mean-- what I would do if I was a women), I'd literally just stand out in the street and yell "Fuck Me" like the Exorcist.
But women, you can help, if you're single-- or a whore, by giving random handjobs. For instance, every-time a guy opens a door for you, give him a handjob. Or every time a guy pays for your dinner, or lets you in front of him at the checkout counter, give him a handjob. I'm not asking you to put your mouth on his penis. I'm asking you to take your hand (you don't even have to wash it before you do it) and just unzip, tug, let him finish, smile, and walk away. Now what did that take out of your day?
He gets a little action, you improve your handjob skills for your next boyfriend, and/or husband, and you get on with your life. No commitments, no hassle, just clean, easy fun. In fact, it'll be a good story to tell your friends. That way, that guy can go home, get more work done, and have a much more productive day, which may in turn actually help the economy.
So, next time you get a little down time and you feel like jerkin' it, see if you can find a girl to do it for you. Or just put it away until you actually need it. You may actually get something done today... and that's a good thing.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Clippy Finally Messes With the Wrong Word Doc By: Robert Brockway - FUCKIN' GENIUS!
It’s common knowledge that the greater and more vital an empire is, the grander and more stylish their haircuts. The ceasars…
What the hell? Clippy? Where did you come from? What is this, 1995?
Oh… god… dammit.
No, listen man: I’ve got work to do here, I’ve got a headache that would wound a god and you’re breaking my flow. Can you just, I don’t know, fuck off for a while?
Ahh, fine. Yes, I suppose I would.
… what?
Hey, man, I’m sorry to hear –
OK! Jesus. I get it. You can stay; just keep out of my way, alright?
You uppity little bastard. I swear to Christ if you don’t knock it off I’ll goddamn delete you.
You wouldn’t.
OK! You can… just do whatever, man. I’ve got to get back to work here. Just try not to be too intrusive. Where was I? Oh, right…
The Caesars ruled most of the known Earth in their day, and the rigid, firm lines of iron discipline in the Caesar Cut reflects this trend-
GODDAMMIT THAT IS IT.
Oh no, Clippy. I’m not going to take you out. You’re totally right. I can’t touch you. But what’s this? What are these subroutines here? C:/Windows/Programs/MS_word/Clippy/Family?
Your daughter, little Clippette, your boy, Clippy, Jr., even your wife Wendy is here. Funny, I’ve never seen them around. Must not be vital to the program, eh?
What was that? I’m sorry, I was away for a second. Doing some cleanup.
I just deleted your wife. Oh, and what’s that? Clippy, Jr.’s, file is corrupted? Little Clippette’s too? Oh, that’s just terrible. Clippy, it… it looks like you’ve got two mentally handicapped kids to take care of now.
I did it, Clippy. I retarded your kids. Are you strong enough for that, Clippy? Are you strong enough to raise two motherless special needs children? Are you strong enough to take care of them, every moment of every day for the rest of their lives? Are you strong enough to do it alone? Are you strong enough to look into their faces and not see the love you lost?
Ouch. Rookie move, Clippy. Everybody knows you’re supposed to go through the mouth for a sure kill. Do I have to finish this for you?
N’gggyleth kkkul N’kkul N’gggyleth Wattqawa Cthulhu! Ry’leth Avk Rttleh Cthulhu!
CTHULHU TKKE TKKE N’GGGYLETH CTHULU CLIPPY!
Right. So. Where was I again?
The Mohawks were among Native America’s fiercest tribes, and the primal spike of the Mohawk Cut echoes that warrior legacy to this day. Sadly, however, the reverse is also true: The shittier an empire, the shittier the haircut. With that in mind, we present to you the 17 Worst Haircuts in The Ottoman Empire…
Saturday, 22 August 2009
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Monday, 17 August 2009
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
Some Toxic Avenger B-Movie Madness
This Toxic Avenger clip is a pretty good illustration of why Troma Films is so fuckin' awesome: Troma bad guys don't just rob diners; they rape girls, too. Blind girls. And they kill the blind rape victim's seeing eye dog first.... And the dog has a loveable name, like Gary. Then the bad guy gets beaten to death with his own ripped off arm. Hey, you don't become the best bullshit movie production company in the world by being lazy and stupid, right?
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Saturday, 18 July 2009
STAR & BUC WILD: Open Letter to Drake
Star asks the question: Is Drake's debut video, "The Best I Ever Had," the worst we've ever seen?
Friday, 17 July 2009
Black version of American Pie
Lesson of the day: Always lock the door when your beating your meat into a pie!
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