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'2012' Sucks Worse Than the Mayans Could Have Predicted

By Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts

2012 is like watching a Special Olympics weightlifting event. The young man grunting and flexing under the lights is showing off. His feats of strength are impressive. There is awe in the eyes of those who witness his skills, his talents. But in the end, regardless of how cut he is, how much he can bench and how awesome it is to see him do it, you're just watching a powerfully strong person with below average intelligence pick up heavy things and drop them. And that's all you're doing.

Hitchcock would be proud.

That's not to say there can't be any enjoyment in that, and not just of the mean-spirited variety, either. Word is that this movie cost about 250-million dollars. There are maybe two or three moments total where it doesn't look like it. And if you're coming solely to watch a moron hoist the left coast and smash it down into the ocean, you're going to leave pleased. But there is a story here, and it takes up a significant amount of the nearly three-hour runtime and, unfortunately, that same moron is in charge of that, too. To wit:

John Cusack is Jackson Curtis, a barely-published author estranged from his wife (Amanda Peet) who lives with his children (both annoying moppets) and their prospective stepdad (Tom McCarty). Cusack is taking his annoying kids on a lame camping trip, where they happen upon the Army monitoring the crust of the Earth thanks to Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) an earnest, naive scientist who has discovered that the sun is jizzing neutrinos into the core of the Eart. This of course, will cause the core to overheat, giving the Earth really bad skin, like geological psoriasis crossed with volcanic pizzaface. Just like the Mayans always said it would happen.

After the Army releases him and his kids, Cusack bumps into Woody Harrelson, looking like a homeless wood nymph and living in an RV, subsisting off Pabst and pickles. That sentence, by the way, accurately describes probably the most three-dimensional character in the entire movie. Anyway, Harrelson has been keeping tabs on the government's secret plan to build humanity saving superboats called "Arks," because the government has really shitty writers and planners. Cusack sponges a couple PBR's off Harrelson, writes him off as a crazy wood nymph with shitty taste in beer and drives his kids home just in time for LA to fall into the ocean as Bill Hicks smiles and lights another Marlboro 100 in Hell.

From this point forward, Cusack outraces an earthquake, drives through a collapsing building, jumps a limo AND an RV over giant cracks on the ground, outruns the ash cloud from the eruption of Yellowstone National Park on foot, drives a Bentley out of a crashing airliner onto a glacier and manages to hold his breath for roughly eight minutes underwater. Because he's been cast to be "cool" and appeal to "the kids," he does it all with the same bored, lazy, uninspired look on his face, even when he's screaming for his life.

Bull. Shit.

The characters aren't even characters, they're single personality traits dressed up in human suits. When it's most convenient, they transform into convenient stepping stones for the plot. Like when Peet's plastic surgeon boyfriend happens to know how to fly a plane. Or when Cusack, mankind's least published author, also happens to also be the human being best equipped to navigate raining automobiles, failing skyscrapers and, most impressively, Los Angeles traffic in a fucking limo.
Everyone else in the movie can be summed up entirely by two-word descriptions. Danny Glover is: BLACK PRESIDENT. George Segal is: OLD DAD. Oliver Platt is: ASSHOLE BUREAUCRAT. Beatrice Rosen is: HOT WHORE. One of Cusack's kids still wets herself at age seven, an endearing character quirk until we realize that it's her defining characteristic. In fact, as the camera pulls back through the clouds to bring us the end credits, we get: "No more pull-ups!" she proudly tells a smiling Cusack. I forgot this was a plot point until she capped off the survival of humanity by reminding us of mankind's real victory: bladder control. And you're going to need a mastery of that skill if you hope to make it through all two-hours and 40-minutes of 2012

Kind of a big deal.

Emmerich doesn't try to avoid the classic disaster movie cliches. Nor does he try to put a creative spin on them. He simply grabs every single one of those cliches, and I mean every single disaster movie cliche you've ever seen, from Irwin Allen to his own Independence Day, and he wallows in them shamelessly. I don't mean that in the haughty literary way. I mean to use the word in the way mangy dogs understand it as they flop on their back--feet in the air, tongues lolling--and wallow in the freshly flattened carcass of some large rodent that found itself under a semi's wheels. That is how Emmerich wallows in 2012, twisting his hips, eyes glassy and wild, red rocket gleaming in the beautiful, pointlessly destructive asshole we know as the sun.

Via Cracked

The 4 Lamest Fight Scenes of All Time

Strike of the Panther
Bad Actor versus Other Bad Actors

 

Combatants: One shirtless Australian guy versus a bunch of other Australian guys in suits that hopefully never made another movie in their life
Why it sucks: On paper, the components here suggest an entertaining tussle: a man in a chicken suit, a blow-up sex doll, and ‘80s floozy with a whip. But this one is so bad that not even those unique ingredients can save it. The protagonist shows off both his lack of acting and fighting chops as he woodenly delivers snide one-liners in between repeatedly knocking out the same four toughs. This clip is notable for single-handedly dispelling the stereotype of Australians as tough, hardy people.
Highlight: The bizarre cameo of a grown man dressed as an English schoolboy begging for mercy.

How To: Ruin a Relationship in 3 Easy Steps

Step 1: Be Too Available

If you really want to ruin your relationship with your girlfriend, be available to her.  In fact, be too available.  Be so available that she knows where you are and what you're doing at all times.  Make sure she knows what time you leave for work, what time you get off of work, and exactly how long it takes you to get home from work. Text her throughout the day to let her know where you are and what you're doing.  Make sure she knows the birthdays of all of your friends and co-workers.  This way, when you start hanging out with other chicks after work, it'll be easy for her to figure out that you're cheating on her, and it'll be really obvious that you've suddenly changed, and some-thing's up.  She'll also be able to see it coming a mile away, too, when you start lying to her and making up excuses for why you suddenly have to break your routine and behave abnormally.  It's always best to have her be suspicious for months ahead of time, before she actually confronts you about anything, so that she'll be completely emotionally out of control.

Step 2: Use Facebook

Facebook is friggin' awesome.  Everyone can pretty much agree on that, but when you're trying to stay in a relationship, it can be your worst enemy.  The problem doesn't necessarily stem from the in a relationship/single status, although that can and will cause a whole mess of bullshit.  With facebook, your business is right out there for everyone to see, and especially for your girlfriend.  Female relatives, old classmates, and childhood friends will all become threats in the eyes of your girlfriend on facebook.  It's almost a guarantee that she was well aware of your facebook activity before the two of you even started dating, so the idea that she doesn't rummage through your page like Dexter at a murder scene is like saying Paris Hilton's vagina doesn't smell like the floormat of a public toilet.  You'll get grief the moment any female comments or posts anything on your page, and forget about going out with your boys without her.  Somehow, that "pretty chill night" you guys spent at the bar will always turn out looking like you did blow off of a hooker's rack in the facebook photos.  It's much easier to not have a facebook at all, and just catch up with old friends in the real world, like an actual person, because the grief of having facebook and a girlfriend is really not worth it.  Plus, you can always just poke someone with your actual finger if you really want to.

Step 3: Constantly Compare Her To Your Ex-Girlfriend

In order to ruin a perfectly good relationship, you'll need to provide your girlfriend with some unrealistic expectations to live up to.  This will foster jealousy and resentment, which are the at the foundation of any doomed relationship.  The easiest route to these unrealistic expectations is with simple, frequent comparisons to your ex-girlfriend.  Your current girlfriend is probably going to be better at some things than your ex was, but there are bound to be a lot of things that your ex could totally kick your new girlfriend's ass at.  Don't soften the blow at all.  If you're going to ruin this relationship, it's important that your girlfriend is fully aware of how much better your ex-girlfriend was at certain things, like Guitar Hero and blowjobs and stuff like that.  Don't just casually mention it, either.  Really try to drive home the fact that, compared to the last person you f*cked on a regular basis, your current girlfriend is inadequate in many ways.

As you can see, it's really not that hard to ruin a perfectly good relationship.  With a little time, focus, and some genuine lack of concern for the feelings and well-being of your girlfriend, even the most loyal and dedicated boyfriend can easily ruin the best thing that's ever happened to him.  So go get 'em, dude!

7 Cartoon Characters That Probably Have Syphilis

Master Splinter

(from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

 

 

Master Splinter is the well-known mutant rat sensei of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Radioactive Ooze-related ailments aside, it's pretty apparent that Master Splinter has a few screws loose upstairs, suggesting that he may suffer from a form of tertiary syphilis (the kind that makes you a little crazy, and would also account for his poor physical condition).  As we've learned from history, though, syphilis doesn't always impair leadership abilities.  In fact, some of the greatest leaders in history are known to have carried the disease: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were both infected with syphilis.  Washington was the father of our country, so you know what that means: America probably has syphilis, too.  And let's not forget about Napoleon Bonaparte, who nearly conquered the world for France, and invented a three-flavored ice cream in the midst of a syphilis-induced insanity.  It makes sense that Master Splinter is syphilitic, though: you've got to be pretty crazy to live in a sewer with four adolescent ninjitsu turtle-men.

  

The Queen of Hearts

(from Alice in Wonderland)

 

 

Being the craziest person in Wonderland is like being the smelliest guy in the sulfer mine next door to a shit-smelting factory that's powered by old milk.  If an invisible cat and a giant, smoking caterpillar think you're crazy, then the only explanation for your insanity is a viral one.  The Queen of Hearts is not the first dictatorial authority figure to suffer from syphilitic insanity, either; Hitler and Mussolini were both believed to have contracted syphilis earlier in their lives, which may have accounted for their irrational hatred of human life, and their seemingly bizarre strategies and tactical decisions later in their careers.  Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that, if the Nazis had trained giant playing cards as soldiers, we might have taken a little bit longer to decide that they were completely evil.

 

Scrooge McDuck

(from Duck Tales)

 

 

Here's a duck tale for you: Scrooge McDuck, in his younger years, decides to start a gold coin collecting business. It turns out to be hugely successful, and he becomes a kagillionaire.  Like most rich people of the time, Young Scrooge is soon surrounded by the hottest duck tail in the world, and he starts bagging hotties left and right, because that's what rich young mallards do.  Fast forward to fifty years later: Scrooge's sex drive has settled down, but he's still (literally) swimming in money.  Unfortunately, one (or many) of the super-fine duck hunnies that he boned in his earlier years was carrying a serious case of "the Pox", and now Scrooge is completely out of his gourde.  Like many Tertiary Syphilis cases, Scrooge has become obsessed with one thing: treasure hunting.  In fact, he's so detached from reality that he frequently risks the lives of his niece and nephews in order to obtain gold, riches, and other valuables to fill to his already overflowing mansion-sized vault with.  He's clearly a lunatic.  Then again, so was famed syphilitic mogul and hollywood playboy Howard Hughes.

 

Painter Smurf

(from The Smurfs)

 

 

Much like Michelangelo and Vincent Van Gogh, renowned French smurf painter, Painter Smurf, can attribute many of his paintings, which he refers to as "masterpizzas", to the syphilis that was fueling his creativity, and also slowly driving him mad.  In his continued effort to follow in the footsteps of his idol, Van Gogh, Painter Smurf visited a prostitute near the docks of Antwerp, where he contracted the disease.  Excerpts from his diary indicate his awareness of contracting syphilis.  On December 12, 1982, he writes in his journal:

"I smurfed the smurf out of that hooker last night.  I should have smurfing known better.  Her smurf was covered with kanker-smurfs, and now my smurf is too!  This is just f*cking smurftastic."

Snoopy

(from Peanuts)

 

 

Snoopy is a dog, and if there's one thing that dogs are known for, it's that they'll fuck anything that walks (and even things that don't).  Therefore, the fact that Snoopy contracted and lived with syphilis throughout much of his life should come as no surprise.  Much like fellow writers William Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde (who were both known to have the disease), Snoopy's most popular works were thought to have come from the period in his life when he was ravaged by the disease.  Indeed, it is possible that Snoopy's famous eternal opening line, "It was a dark and stormy night..." is actually meant to describe the ravaging effects of syphilis on his dog brain.  In addition to his literary proficiency (after all, he is a dog that can type), a severe case of syphilis could explain his detachment from reality and subsequent bizarre behavior, such as a decided lack of speech, his propinquity for wearing a snorkel in the rain, and his penchant for sitting atop his dog house for hours on end, imagining he's a World War 1 fighter pilot.

 

Popeye the Sailor Man

(from Popeye)

 

 

Sailors are notorious for contracting and spreading STD's throughout the world.  Long stints at sea combined with frequent visits to port prostitutes all across the globe make for a bad combination.  It's a common belief that Christopher Columbus and his sailors were responsible for bringing syphilis from Europe to the New World, and it's well-known that Columbus himself carried the disease.  That's why it's very likely that Popeye the Sailor Man shares Columbus's plight, and also suffers from the debilitating disease.  Popeye has some tell-tale signs of advanced tertiary syphilis: the loss of vision in his right eye, coupled with the partial paralysis of his face, which causes a severe speech impediment.  Fortunately for the infected Popeye, he's in good company; there are scores of other notable sailors who were known syphilis carriers, including Vasco de Gama, Captain Hook, and the entire crew of his ship, The Jolly Roger.

Cobra Commander

(from G.I. Joe)

 

 

The only difference between the COBRA organization and a full-fledged mafia family is that COBRA has flying vehicles, and they're costumes are a little more ornate.  The goal of each organization is esentially the same: power.  that's why it's no surprise that Cobra Commander would share some similarities with a mafia boss like Al Capone, the most notorious organized crime lord in U.S. history: both have voices that are much more effeminate than one would expect from a powerful bad guy.  Both leaders have henchmen, and it's also likely that both of them suffered from severe neurosyphilis, which basically makes you go crazy.  Capone's infection is well-documented.  In fact, it was the syphilis that finally did the crime boss in, but evidence of his affliction was apparent in his rapidly deteriorating mental and physical health toward the end of his life.  Cobra Commander consistently displays signs of severe neurosyphilis: poor judgment, rapid mood swings, and apparent memory loss (he's tried to tunnel under G.I. Joe's base about thirty times so far, and has never been successful).  In addition to his mental condition, Cobra Commander may also exhibit physical evidence of Tertiary Syphilis.  The disease at this stage can manifest as soft, tumor-like inflammations that can appear anywhere on the body, including on the face, which may explain Cobra Commander's trademark mask and helmet.

What's Scarier, A Broken Condom or Choking Alone?

Drunken Argument for a Broken Condom With a Prostitute:

 

 

This is a tough one because in both cases you're experiencing pleasure followed by sheer terror, but having your condom break while you're banging a hooker is much, much worse than choking.  If you're at home alone eating a ham sandwich and you start to choke, the first thing to remember is to do the exact opposite of whatever Mama Cass did.  She's not the example to follow in this situation, but there are a number of steps that you can take to ensure your survival.  If your condom breaks while you're boning a hooker, there are a number of horrible outcomes that could come from that one event.  First, you'll be unbelievably nervous until your AIDS test comes back negative.  We're talking about a crippling terror that consumes your every thought for weeks on end.  This is the type of terror that would make you wish you choked every time you took a bite of food.  A slow AIDS-related death is just one of the many horrible and terrifying outcomes that could arise from having your condom break while f*cking a hooker.  You could make the hooker pregnant, for example.  That's terrifying.  Imagine having a hooker and her devil spawn child in your life FOREVER.  Imagine having to take an Olan Mills family portrait with you, some bastard kid, and a whore with glitter all over her.  Imagine constantly having to buy Menthol Cigarettes and yeast infection cream for her.  The terrifying possibilities are endless.  Choking on food doesn't seem so bad, right?  Choking will never make your dick look like a supreme pizza.  It'll never make bugs crawl in your pubes, or slowly make you go insane.  It won't make you overdraw your bank account to pay off an angry pimp.  I'd rather choke everytime I eat anything forever than experience the fear of having my condom break while I'm banging a hooker.

 

Drunken Argument for Choking When You're Home Alone:

 

 

Choking on anything is f*cking scary as shit. Especially if the thing that your choking on is a little gummy candy shaped like a dick that you got at the gay parade when you took a girl there because you made a gay joke once that she took offense to, and so you wanted to show her that your sympathetic and open-minded.  Sure, you carried the packet of gummy penises around just to show it to people for an easy laugh, never with the intention of eating them.  But it's late, and you just wanted something sweet to snack on, so you busted that pack open, and of course that's the time when you start choking on a tiny gummy cock.  The experience of choking in general is nothing less than completely horrific.  Your eyes get all watery, and you go into instant panic mode.  Sure, the same thing happens when you discover that your whore condom broke, but in that situation you can quickly turn to assessing the damage and working out a gameplan.  When you're choking, you can't do anything else until you've completely solved the problem, and if you're home alone that's going to be really difficult.  At least with the broken condom scenario, there's someone else who could potentially be suffering as well.  The whore probably has some horrible disease, but she also has no idea what you might be carrying.  You could have Super AIDS for all she knows.  There's two people suffering through a situation together.  When you're choking by yourself, it's just you in your drum, stumbling around like a dumbass, doing the universal choking sign for an uncaring audience of zero sympathetic bystanders, except for maybe your dog, who's totally going to eat your dead body after you die. Your only hope is to just start banging yourself up against a chair or a sofa or a table or something, in hopes of dislodging the gummy penis so that your obituary won't read "found dead alone in his flat after choking on a penis".  If you get a weird STD from the whore as a result of your condom breaking then that would suck, and you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life.  The key word there is LIVE.  If you die choking on a gummy penis, then you won't even have the opportunity to bang a whore again in the future, and that would totally suck. Plus, everyone will think that you're gay.

Inglourious Basterds: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE

CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.

DENIS MENOCHET

Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I would! Now, rumour has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?

DENIS MENOCHET

No.

(pause)

Uh, maybe.

(pause)

Yeah.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!

They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.

DENIS MENOCHET

Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!

EXT. ROADSIDE – FRANCE

BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.

BRAD PITT

Now, ya Nazi varmint, I’d like to introduce you to my team. Guy from The Office. Short kid from Freaks and Geeks. Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.

ELI ROTH

Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!

NOT ED HARRIS

Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man.

(pause)

Actually, don’t do that either. Just don’t do anything. Do zero things.

BRAD PITT

Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie. Unless a’course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.

NOT ED HARRIS

You don’t frighten me. Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.

ELI ROTH

Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?

NOT ED HARRIS

Oh shi–

(killed with baseball bat)

BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.

BRAD PITT

Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint. Now, we’re a-gonna let ya go. But first, we’re gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you’re a Nazi.

NAZI SOLDIER

Oh no. Anything but that. I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.

AUDIENCE

I’m impressed so far. This movie seems devoid of Tarantino’s usual obsession with cinema.

The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATRE.

AUDIENCE

God dammit. I hope that’s just some irrelevant character detail.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey, I like your movie theatre. You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the set-piece for the film’s climax.

AUDIENCE

Arrrgghhhhhhh!

DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar…

MELANIE LAURENT

Don’t bother, Daniel. I know who you are.

DANIEL BRUEHL

Man, you fuck one goat…

MELANIE LAURENT

Not that, I just won’t be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.

DANIEL BRUEHL

At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theatre.

MELANIE LAURENT

Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.

MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.

MELANIE LAURENT

Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theatre. Let’s burn it to the ground!

JACKY IDO

Great idea! We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!

MELANIE LAURENT

Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!

Meanwhile…

INT. ESTATE – ENGLAND

MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the première of a movie in France. This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you’re Mike Meyers, aren’t you? Are you trying to be taken seriously again?

MIKE MEYERS

(Austin Powers accent)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Guess not. Let’s just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.

INT. BAR – FRANCE

DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.

DIANE KRUGER

So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie? This is a great idea, it’s a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Yep. You’ll use your fame to get me and my friend into the première where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.

DIANE KRUGER

Er, isn’t your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.

Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.

AUGUST DIEHL

It’s been a while since one of Tarantino’s obnoxious trademarks. How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?

DIANE KRUGER

Das klingt gut!

There’s a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.

BRAD PITT

Alright Diane. Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let’s go ahead with it anyway. We’re going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!

DIANE KRUGER

So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it’s just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?

ELI ROTH

All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the première in a robotic mech suit, I’m going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – FRANCE

HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.

HITLER

This movie is terrible. It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.

GOEBBELS

Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!

HITLER

Hey-oooo!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen! I know all about your plot!

BRAD PITT

Holy Christ is this movie still going on? It’s already been like two hours.

BJ NOVAK

I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

In any case, I’ve decided to surrender.

BRAD PITT

Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No trick. Giving up. That’s how the movie ends.

BJ NOVAK

Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Nope. Done. Movie over. Have a safe drive home, everyone.

MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he’s SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.

BJ NOVAK

Huh. We won kind of. I guess the mission was a total success.

BRAD PITT

Because Hitler is dead?

BJ NOVAK

Hitler? Dude, Eli Roth is toast. No Cabin Fever 2. Score.

END

Top 10 Cruel Things Women Do To Men

They don’t pick up the phone

You convinced her to give you her number and you’re feeling good about yourself. Your charm and good looks have obviously made an impression on her. Unfortunately, when you try to call, she doesn’t pick up or, worse yet, she’s given you a fake number. Some women will give you their numbers because it’s easier than trying to tell you why she’s not interested. What’s more, in the age of caller ID, it’s easy for her to avoid your calls. At least the women who give you a made-up number are being more obvious about the fact that they have no intention of talking to you again.

Use men for free drinks

Some women go out never planning to spend any of their own money on drinks at the bar or club. Instead, they count on their feminine wiles to convince guys to shell out for their libations. Some of these women will take the opportunity of a guy buying a drink for her to begin to get to know him, but others (the cruel variety) will take that drink, flirt a little and move on to the next sucker with money to burn.


Use men as placeholders

Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you notice that her eye is starting to wander. She’s starting more fights with you or not bothering to fight at all anymore. Her friends get quiet when you walk into a room. She’s avoiding your phone calls. Her things are disappearing from your place. The AM article Breakup Warning Signs talked about all these hints that she’s thinking about putting an end to your relationship and, well, they’re cruel things.

If she is a decent person, she’ll just get it over with and dump you already, but if she’s cruel, she’ll hold on to you for a while until somebody new comes along. These girls don’t like to be alone and without a relationship, so instead of putting you out of your misery and ending it, she’ll string you along until she meets someone to replace you. If she’s really cruel, she’ll start things up with him before she’s finalised the breakup with you.

Emotionally manipulate men

Men don’t like to see women cry and some cruel women will take advantage of this fact and use it to get what they want. In general, women are much more emotional than men and it’s easy for some women to use a man’s complete incomprehension of female feelings to get something out of him. A few well-placed tears or a temper tantrum and most men will do anything to get it to stop.

Use physical violence

Men are usually raised with the idea that hitting girls is a major no-no. Unfortunately, there are some cruel women who use this aspect of a man’s personality to gain power over him. In the minds of some women, it’s perfectly acceptable to slap a boyfriend across the face when he says something to piss her off. Knowing that he would never hit her back, this type of woman feels like she can inflict any kind physical pain on him without fear of repercussion. A man is also less likely to tell someone about suffering physical violence at the hands of his girlfriend if he believes he’ll be thought of as weak or pathetic.

Criticise their men in public

A growing trend in television shows and commercials is that of depicting men as bumbling idiots, while their wives and girlfriends are intelligent, in control and flawless. This may contribute to the real life practice of cruel women who criticise and humiliate their men in public places. Women can get away with this in ways that men would never be allowed to. When a woman pokes fun at her man or even soundly debases him, the group surrounding them is more likely to laugh than to be appalled.

They don’t disclose their relationship status

You’ve pulled out all your best moves and you seem to be making progress with the cute girl you’ve just met. When you finally get to the point when you feel you can safely ask for her number, she smiles and says: “I have a boyfriend.” That information would have been nice to have at the beginning of the conversation, love. It’s certainly not the worst thing a woman could do to a man, but it is annoying when she lets you assume that she’s available so that she can enjoy your flirtation and flattery.

They withhold sex

This is a time-tested, and frequently used, cruel thing for women to do to men. For most men, sex is as important as breathing, so withholding it in order to get something she wants or simply to punish her man for his transgressions is a pretty low thing to do, even if it is effective.

They test their men

You’re all ready to go for a night out with your friends, when your girlfriend calls and asks you to change your plans to be with her instead. She doesn’t have any particular reason; she just wants to see you. She knows that you had plans to meet up with the guys, but if you really loved her, you’d come over to her place instead. If her request comes with an “if you really loved me,” then it’s a test. If you choose anything other than immediately rushing to her side, you’re going to fail. This kind of testing in a relationship is indeed cruel and petty.


They flirt to inspire jealousy

Maybe she’s feeling under-appreciated, maybe you’ve just had a big fight or maybe she just enjoys the tortured look on your face. For whatever reason, girls who flirt obviously with other guys in front of their boyfriends are immature and manipulative.

Via AskMen

Guest Article From He-Man

Hey everyone, it's me: He-Man.  Y'know, the Master of the F*cking Universe?  The Legendary Hero that raised all of you through television, action figures, and breakfast cereals?  I used to be a complete badass, but for some reason you've all decided to start making fun of me lately.  At first I was like, "Psh, whatever.  That's cool.  I'm He-Man. I'm f*ckin' awesome. I can take a little fun-poking." But then things started to get out of hand.  People started making shit like this:

There are so many reasons why I can't allow this type of thing to continue.  I mean, the inaccuracies in this picture alone are enough to make Orko shit in his own hat, which is what he does when he's really appalled by something.  Anyway, I decided that now is definitely the time to remind you all just how much of a badass I am.  To begin, you'll probably remember that I live in a f*cking castle, which is pretty f*cking badass to begin with:

This isn't just any normal castle, though; my castle is shaped like a f*cking skull.  Yeah, that's right, a f*cking skull.  And it's also called Castle Greyskull.  Where do you live? In the Oak Terrace Apartments?  In the Shady Meadows Housing Subdivision?  I live in the Castle F*cking Greyskull!  Shit, dude!  It doesn't get any more awesome than that!  Oh, wait, actually it does:

Yeah, that's my tiger, BattleCat.  The first thing you'll notice about him is that he's a green tiger, which is pretty radical.  The second thing you'll notice is that he's a giant f*cking tiger who wears armor, and if you hang around me for more than a few hours, then you'll see what he's good for: I ride around on that armor-clad tiger when I go into battle against all sorts of monsters and beasts and shit that my arch nemesis sends out to destroy me.  And who's my arch nemesis?

Y'know how you have that one asshole neighbour who always bitches about you leaving your dustbin  out on the curb too long?  Well that skeleton dude up there, who's name is Skeletor, is my asshole neighbour. He's an evil sorcerer and a pretty good fighter, despite not having any eyeballs.  He and his weird monster friends want to obliterate me for some unknown reason, and so I have to get a bunch of my weird friends to fight his weird friends, and this is basically my life.  Of course, it takes more than just being a badass to constantly fend off hordes of evil beasts and skeleton men, which is why every now and then I have to hold a giant sword in the air and get zapped by magical lightning that gives me special powers.

Yes, I realize that you can take a picture of me when I'm conjuring the Power of Greyskull and use your photoshop to make me saying something about taking a huge shit.  That's not impressive. I could take a picture of you eating a burrito and make you saying "oh, I'm eating a burrito made of shit" or something like that, so it's stupid for you to even do stuff like that to my pictures so just stop it.  Anyway, what do you have to do to get your magical powers?  What kind of giant predatory beast do you ride around on? What kinds of monsters do you fight on a daily basis?  Yeah, that's what I thought: you don't use magical powers to fight monsters from the back of a tiger, so maybe you should stop mocking those of us who do utilize magic and castles and giant, armor-clad tigers.  Maybe it's time you stopped making shit like this:

 

Seriously. The internet in Eternia isn't full of a bunch of pictures of you jerking off Kim Jong Il or blowing Osama bin Laden.  We're not obsessed with taking videos of you and changing the speech so that you sound like a creepy child molester.  And we would NEVER cast Dolf Lundgren to play you in a movie that has a troll instead of an Orko (they're completely different), so in the future please try to extend the same courtesy to us, and seriously: don't f*ck with me.  I'm f*cking He-Man, Master of the F*cking Universe, and I will wreck you.  Oh yeah, also: The Power is Yours!

Inner Monologue of Stan Lee, While Signing His Marvel Empire Over to Disney

YES. 4 BILLION F*CKING DOLLARS. Suck on that, kids who used to make fun of me in high school for drawing pictures of dudes in leotards all day! Look who's rolling in it now! Dolla dolla bills, y'all! How many people have managed to turn a seemingly creepy hobby into a multimedia empire? About 399 Billion less than the amount of dollars that I'm about to have, that's how many. You know what the price of getting called an "artsy homo" for most of your adolescent life is? Well, I do: it's negative 4 BILLION DOLLARS. And it was worth every f*cking penny, too.

Damn, I need to take a nap soon. I wonder why Disney wants my shit, anyway. Sure, the Marvel movies that have been made so far have made a killing at the box office, and they haven't scratched the surface of my entire library of work yet, but it doesn't really seem like Disney's style. My movies are for adults, and most of Disney's stuff is for kids. Even Pirates of the Caribbean was decidedly tame, considering that it was all about a class of people who were known for raping and plundering. I don't know. I guess I could see some of my comic books playing out as Disney movies, though. Like, maybe there could be a movie about Wolverine's childhood, except it turns out that he grew up in the jungle and his best friend was a singing bear. Or maybe there could be one where Punisher meets a bunch of elves in the woods, and then falls in love with a prince.

Oh! Maybe Submariner, who's way better than Aquaman, could fall in love with someone who lives on the land, and then he could sing a song and wish that he could have legs to be on land for just a single day, so that he could---oh, wait. I guess Submariner could go on land whenever he wanted. Okay, maybe that one doesn't work. Jesus, I've invented so much shit that I can't even remember what's what anymore. This is definitely a good time to sell my empire. Oh, yeah, and let's not forget: 4 BILLION F*CKING DOLLARS! A super old, nearly dead guy could sure do a lot with that kind of dough. I could buy a boat. Actually, f*ck a boat. I'll buy a spaceship! Actually, f*ck that! I'll buy the f*cking moon!

Yeah, that's exactly what I'll do: I'll buy the moon, and then with the leftover money, I'll build a giant space laser, and aim it right at the Earth, and then I'll hold the entire world hostage! What a life I've lived: I went from being called gay, to becoming a global icon, to a 4 BILLIONAIRE, to becoming the exact type of super villain that I invented and later sold for 4 billion dollars. It's an ironic, yet brilliant plan. Who's going to stop me? I'm the only one that knows how to! Oh, man. That's a brilliant plan. I should've used that one in my comics. Maybe I did use it already. Hmm. I'll have to look into that. Where the hell am I? Oh, right. Disney. Okay, focus, Stan. Just sign your name and the deals done. Hmm. I just pissed myself. Okay, the contract is signed, the tiny drawing of me next to my signature is complete, and I am officially a 4 BILLIONAIRE!! Next stop: home, to take my pills and get a quick nap in, and then: to the giant laser store, and then: TO THE MOON!!!!!!