New Moon Review (Vomit Expected)

The Twilight phenomenon is fascinating to witness. Overweight women who are products of our horrible health care problem come out to witness a movie written by someone who is a product of our terrible education system. The 2 go hand and hand really, and those hands go on buttered Popcorn topped with Skittles and Friday nights without a boyfriend. Ah yes, this is a saga that will speak to the masses.

I’ve seen the first one, and I rated it my favourite comedy of 2008. It had everything a comedy lover could possibly want. There were Clichés aplenty, Vampire baseball during thunderstorms, restricted Werewolf beaches that only werewolves could surf and vampires weren’t allowed, wandering groups of rapists in a town of 3,000 or so people, sunlight makes vampires glitter like a scrapbook page made by a pre-school child, the vampires don’t have fangs, when revealing you are a vampire to a depressed girl, you must run around her only stopping to question her in between running or pulling tree roots out, and of course asking her Dad to go to the prom with her.

I’m not saying Twilight killed the vampire, but I’m pretty sure it replaced vampires with something a tad bit close to if Bela Lugosi went through a sex change and would rather style his hair than suck blood from bitches. If you don’t know who Bela Lugosi is, get the fuck off of my page.

Now, we are graced again with the presence of a sequel to the original film/book. It’s called Twilight: New Moon. Obviously the writer is so creative she is basically just naming shit off of what she sees when she is look up outside during a certain time of the day.

The following is my review of New Moon. (If you are wondering if I paid to see this, you were probably dumb enough to pay to see it.)

The beginning opens with a New Moon, and if you weren’t smart enough to understand it, the title “New Moon” follows it. Enter Bella talking about “Violent delights…” It sounds like something I’d read on a Live Journal posting from a suicidal emo girl back in 2003.

The first part of dialogue spoken and I already know the plot and end of the movie. She sees an old woman she thinks is her grandma, but guess what? It isn’t! It’s really her, an old Bella. I’m guessing this is where the guys dragged to the movie begin their first exit, but the girl who brought them makes them sit down. To change in to a vampire or not turn in to a vampire, that is the question.

All a dream! Followed by dear old Dad coming in wishing happy birthday to her, then making jokes about how she is old. Bella remembers her dream and points out she isn’t that old. “I thought we agreed on no presents?” I think I pulled a muscle in my eyes from rolling them so hard.

Here comes Edward “Liberace” Cullen walking slow motion from his Hybrid. All the girls scream as he does this I’m sure, and the soundtrack picks up. They kiss after horrible dialogue about how she is ageing and he is 109. Enter that weird looking roided out Indian kid Jacob.

Jacob gives her a dream-catcher, where he tells her it, “Keeps out bad dreams.”

Jesus. Pause. This movie is fucking terrible. I am 7 minutes in and it makes the actual movie “Dreamcatcher” looks like Casablanca. Unpause.

Eddy is jealous of the present and blah blah. Enter his Pseudo-sister. This is my only reason to watch this movie. Ashley Greene. This chick is hot. I would sink my teeth in to her for sure, and by teeth, I mean, well, I’m sure you can put that together. She informs Bella, “Party at the Cullens!”

Filler….Filler…Filler.

Wow, they just dropped “Volturi” like it wasn’t a big deal. Big plot detail told like he was ordering pizza on the phone. Cullen was talking during the movie, but now the teacher called his shit out. But since he has repeated the grade a shit load of times, the part in the movie the teacher asks him to repeat he does perfectly, because he has seen in so many times. Play The Matrix and I could repeat that shit too. Moving on.

Now a bunch of ancient lesbians(?) are on a balcony, I guess they are the Volturi. Scary! They might call you on using a salad fork instead of an entrée fork during dinner.

More filler and love talk. More soundtrack songs. Facebook photo time. Present opening time!!!

PAPERCUT!!!! AHHHHH!!!! BLOOD!!!! Incoming of effeminate Jasper for the kill!

Edward protects her like a good boyfriend, by throwing her in to a fucking wall , and busting a vase making her bleed more. Let this be a lesson to you ladies. You hurt yourself, a vampire will fuck you up to save you.

Now the entire family looks at her like a stoner eyes a Crave Case at 4am from White Castle. This shit is going down, and it won’t be pretty. Kill her so I can stop watching!

They drag him away, and Edward looks like he is going to go cry in his room.

15 minutes in to a VAMPIRE movie. Body Count: 0.

Bella gets dropped off by Ed in her truck, more old age “change me in to a vampire” talk, followed by cry kissing. They both say I love you to each other.

*Editor’s Note: You do not have to be talented to be a famous actor, this scene has proved it.

True love is breaking in to your girlfriends house when she is in school.

Bella comes back from school and Ed is chillin' by her house being white as hell. He is leaving Forks with his family because Ed’s fake Dad looks too young for the amount of time they have been there and people are taking notice. Bella can’t come. Pwned. Long badly written speech about how the attack could have been worse. Obviously bullshit talking to her, but asks her not to do anything reckless (like riding motorcycles without a helmet?!?). He ninja’s away, and she runs in the woods whining like you’d expect.

Not even 30 minutes in to this movie yet.

Ok, for some reason she fell asleep in the woods, then, carried out by some shirtless guy. Why is he shirtless while everyone is wearing jackets and shit? Oh, Werewolf, right.

Enter 360 spin in Bella’s room of her being depressed through the seasons without Edward. Maybe if she begins doing the normal things girls do when dumped Edward will come back, like cutting. Grab a razor blade! Nope, more spinning, followed by her freaking out at night, and sitting in his empty chair in the lunch room. More of her batshit insane crying. Failed sent emails to Alice (Ashley Greene). Now Dad is kicking her ass out too. This is hilarious.

Muse is playing, at least there is that. Then zombie references, at least there is that also. I think this is the climax?

Rapist sighting, rapist flashback, rapist flashback!!! Ghost Edward appears to Bella telling her to be safe or something.

I quit.

This movie is terrible and if you enjoyed it I hate you. This movie did to Vampires what Joel Schumacher did to Batman. There is still 90 minutes left of this movie and I can’t stand to watch another minute of it. I would love to see the bloopers to this movie more than the actual movie. I can just picture them reading over the script and asking how the writer got it published. This is another prime example of the down fall of modern film and literature. You don’t have to be talented or a good writer to make millions of dollars. You just have to write a bad love story and girls will flock to it in droves. Honestly, how many stupid girls want to jump in to a man’s arms in the rain and kiss because of The Notebook? Or how many times can a film be made where they fall in love, break up, have a sad montage of them sitting on a rooftop or kitchen eating ice cream, then get back together at the end? Stop making that movie! I’m done here.