The 4 Lamest Fight Scenes of All Time

Strike of the Panther
Bad Actor versus Other Bad Actors

 

Combatants: One shirtless Australian guy versus a bunch of other Australian guys in suits that hopefully never made another movie in their life
Why it sucks: On paper, the components here suggest an entertaining tussle: a man in a chicken suit, a blow-up sex doll, and ‘80s floozy with a whip. But this one is so bad that not even those unique ingredients can save it. The protagonist shows off both his lack of acting and fighting chops as he woodenly delivers snide one-liners in between repeatedly knocking out the same four toughs. This clip is notable for single-handedly dispelling the stereotype of Australians as tough, hardy people.
Highlight: The bizarre cameo of a grown man dressed as an English schoolboy begging for mercy.



Star Trek Voyager
Tuvok versus Nameless Extras



Combatants: Tuvok (Tim Russ) versus a bunch of extras
Why it sucks: There is just no way a good fracas can start with the line “Tuvok’s taking me into custody.”We already talked about how lousy high school fights are and nerd fights are even worse. So when a show made by nerds for nerds has a fight scene, you might as well hand it a cane before viewing because it is guaranteed to be lame. Fortunately, the cinematographer seems almost as clueless as the fight choreographer for this episode of Voyager, so we are spared from the full wretchedness of this struggle because we are watching it in near-complete darkness.
Highlight: Tuvok’s over-the-shoulder judo throw. Michael Richards better not insult any black Vulcans because those guys can fight.


Witness
Amish Harrison Ford versus Street Toughs



Combatants: John Book (Harrison Ford) versus a bunch of Pennsylvania Dutch Country street toughs
Why it sucks: How can we put the man behind some of the greatest fightin’ characters in the history of the movies on a list of lamest fight scenes? Because Harrison Ford doesn’t seem to realize he’s no longer playing any of those characters. He’s not Indiana Jones or Hans Solo here, he is supposed to be a guy pretending he’s Amish. So when Ford exudes his Solo-esque bravado marching up to bad news hoodlums, it is hard not to laugh. After all, he’s wearing suspenders and marching from a small horse-drawn carriage, not the Millennium Falcon.
Highlight: What must be one of the greatest Amish put-downs in film: “Hey watch it Frank, he’s gonna hit you with his bible.”

Undefeatable Arm-Sling Woman versus Knife-Fetish Man Combatants: Woman in arm-sling and man with worst haircut ever versus guy with knife fetish Why it sucks: The lamest fight scene of all time also deserves credit for being one of the most homoerotic. The disturbingly sensual knife fellatio that kicks off the clip is a harbinger of three minutes of man-on-man action that seems more fitting for a Chelsea sex club than a movie combat scene. Constant grunts and groans are the soundtrack to a synchronized shirt rip-off that reveals highly greased bodies. Thankfully, a woman eventually arrives to break up the boy’s club. She has one arm in a sling and uses a towel as weapon, but the bad guy is such a pussy that is more than enough. Highlight: After impaling the knife-fellatio man’s eye through a meat hook, arm-sling woman zings him with, “We’ll keep an eye out for you.”