To demonstrate this principle, we've hired a team of elite screenwriting geniuses who, using the finest Pentium computers available, are busy rewriting the classic movies of our age to include zombies. Below we present some of their work: Character studies used to illustrate how various iconic movie characters would handle a full scale zombie outbreak.
John McClane (as seen in Die Hard)
The Setup
John McClane, a New York cop, is visiting his wife in L.A. where they're soon trapped in the upper stories of the Nakatomi building by a group of Europeans. A deadly and shoeless game of cat and mouse breaks out 40 stories above the city! Suddenly their battle is interrupted by a clamoring horde of zombies, who swarm the building from the streets below.Available Weapons
McClane already has practical weapons at his disposal, in the form of a repossessed sub-machinegun and his trusty Beretta. His ability to improvise weapons is largely untested. In the film he does manage to fabricate a bomb out of an office chair, a monitor, an elevator shaft and a big bag of C4. Although this is technically improvised, making a bomb out of plastic explosives doesn't exactly require MacGyver levels of genius.
Allies
None. In fact, McClane is already surrounded by enemies. Europeans are shiftless and untrustworthy, with deceitful accents and tiny little feet. Worse yet, if the Europeans decide to join forces with the zombies, an outcome we believe to be probable, McClane will really have the deck stacked against him.Defensive Situation
The Nakatomi building is large, taking up an entire city block. Multiple entrances and exits make it hard to defend, and a rat's nest of elevator shafts and service passages allow multiple avenues for zombie penetration. A group of survivors working together could potentially hold an entire floor but, as we've said before, the prospect of anyone cooperating with Europeans stretches the limits of plausibility too far.Mental and Physical Toughness
McClane is physically very tough, and wearing a tank top, which provides a modest level of ballistic protection. He can also definitely handle periods of stress, although he is known to be prone to spouting nonsensical catchphrases.Final Verdict
It looks like a hopeless situation for McClane, which can only mean that it's actually a hopeless situation for the zombies. Look for some horrific hand to hand zombie slaughter with a fire axe, as McClane clogs a stairwell with bodies. For the finale, expect to see the zombie masses lured to the roof by a clever ruse taped to McClane's back. Suddenly the C4 ignites, raining zombie parts down on the streets below. McClane escapes on a rope ladder (also taped to his back).Body Count: 12 Dead Terrorists, 342 Dead Zombies
SURVIVES
Kevin McCallister (as seen in Home Alone)
The Setup
Kevin McCallister has been left at home by his parents, accidentally. This light hearted tale of child abandonment is thrown for a loop when two clumsy burglars threaten to break into his cavernous house. As Kevin prepares for the burglars' visit, he's shocked to hear their screams of terror as they're cut down by the horde of zombies gathered outside. The zombies, having whetted their appetites, turn to assault Kevin in his home.Available Weapons
Kevin's only firearm is a pellet gun, one with minimal stopping power.
Allies
Slim pickings. Down the road there's a crazy old man who will turn out to actually just be a regular old man. There's also Kevin's brother's pet tarantula and a taped movie with some gangsters on it. So not exactly the Super Friends — Kevin's going to largely be on his own here.Defensive Situation
Iffy. Kevin has made little attempt to actually secure his house, and instead focused on making it treacherous for anyone to enter. This technique might work well for a limited number of enemies, but modern zombie combat experts agree that a proper zombie fortification involves a fixed defensive line designed to hold at all costs. Given the sheer number of zombies, and their relentlessness, any ground ceded to them will be lost forever. Kevin should read his Sun Tzu (specifically the zombie appendix).Mental and Physical Toughness
Well, he's eight. Calling an eight-year-old tough is usually a polite way of saying they're fat, and Kevin certainly isn't that. Kevin's mental toughness is a different matter. Take note of how he was preparing for the arrival of two burglars. Instead of calling the police, he designed a series of booby traps that would extract a pound of flesh for every room taken. This implies a level of blood thirst that modern Home Alone scholars are only just now acknowledging. Kevin could end up surviving a zombie attack only to be lost in the psychotic blood-red caverns of his own mind.Final Verdict
Kevin does have an escape route built into his plan, but it only gets him as far as the tree house in his yard, which we should observe is now full of hungry zombies. Assuming zombies can't climb (oh shit!) he'll be able to hold out for a couple days, until he dies of thirst.Wow. We can't believe they billed this as a kid's movie.
Body Count: Eight Dead Zombies
DEAD
Baby (as seen in Dirty Dancing)
The Setup
A summer vacation in a Catskill mountain resort sparks a romance between 17-year old Baby, and resort dance instructor Johnny. Over a backdrop of parties, dance lessons and botched abortions, their love blooms, until it's suddenly interrupted by the wave of zombies coming up the mountain road.Available Weapons
No firearms, although the resort should be well equipped with landscaping implements which can be effective at removing zombies from their brains. Also look for lots of slow motion dancing high kicks to the face.
And frenching!
Allies
Baby's got Johnny, as well as her uptight, but well meaning father. Presumably the rest of the resort will group together as well; with the wealthy vacationers and working class staff learning to set aside their differences, while they hammer nails into baseball bats and stick rags into half-full bottles of vodka.Defensive Situation
The main resort building is large, with lots of entrances that need to be secured. But if those can be barricaded tightly, the survivors should be able to hold out for a long time. Watermelon supplies are adequate.Mental and Physical Toughness
Baby's a little uncoordinated, but otherwise in good shape. However it's unlikely that she's had to cope with an extended zombie attack in the private schools she's attended to date. Or maybe she has? Maybe Jewish private schools are way more awesome than anyone knows?Final Verdict
Sadly the barricades don't hold out forever, and the survivors will be overwhelmed by zombies. On the roof, a military chopper hovers overhead, soldiers reaching out to pluck survivors from the roof. Baby rushes at Johnny, who attempts to lift her to safety. She makes it! The chopper pulls away just in time. Below, Johnny is ripped to shreds by zombies. Pausing to reflect on recent events, Baby decides this truly was the time of her life.Body Count: Three Dead Zombies, one Dead Dance Instructor
SURVIVED
Tony Montana (as seen in Scarface)
The Setup
Tony Montana has risen to the top of the Miami criminal underworld. An out of control drug problem is catching up with him however, and paranoia and powerful enemies threaten to take the kingpin down. In his home office discussing matters with his trustiest advisor (a huge pile of cocaine) Tony is startled to hear the sounds of gunfire from the perimeter of his estate. The zombies have arrived.Available Weapons
Tony and his guards are extraordinarily well-armed with the latest in military hardware. We're not kidding; Tony's got a locker of guns, each about the size of his leg.
This is smaller than the one he calls his "little friend." Yeah.
Allies
Tony has an unspecified number of guards in horrible suits. They are all armed; though appear to be horrible shots. Shoulder those fuck-ing weapons you fuck-ing calk-ah-roches!Defensive Situation
Tony's compound does have a gate and wall, but it's unclear if that covers the entire perimeter. The house itself is in the style of a tropical villa, with lots of entryways and windows — not great for defense. Tony's wealth implies he should have a well-stocked pantry, so things look good on the supplies front.Mental and Physical Toughness
There's reason to doubt Tony's mental ability to cope with a lengthy siege, mainly because of the aforementioned yeyo and the feelings Tony has for it.
Hint: he has a big crush on it.
Final Verdict
Tony is armed to the teeth and madder than a shit-house rat, and consequently, a whole bunch of zombies are about to get new orifices. Unfortunately for our swarthy hero, in a moment of... well, we'll call it overconfidence, he's going to charge directly at the zombie hordes, and attempt to bite them to death. For a couple minutes, this will actually work surprisingly well. And then, quite suddenly it won't. The zombies will overwhelm him, and up will rise Zombie Tony Montana. Holy shit, will that be a great sequel.Body Count: 3605 Dead Zombies
ZOMBIFIED
Harry Potter (as seen in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)
The Setup
Harry Potter is a young boy who has just discovered he has a special gift — the ability to wield magic. Suddenly he's whisked away to the fantastic world of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and a world he's never seen before. New friends are made and adventures begin, only to be halted by the bone chilling sound of thousands of zombies, clamoring for brains.Available Weapons
In his first year, Harry is only just learning magic and knows no offensive or defensive spells. However it is reasonable to assume that knowledge of basic stunning spells would trickle down to the first year students once the zombies show up.
Allies
Harry is surrounded by well wishers and friends, including his best friends Hermione and Ron. Harry will definitely appreciate having access to their brains and gingerness throughout this ordeal.Defensive Situation
This is really hard to say. On the one hand, Hogwarts is a castle, which is pretty much purpose-built to repel invaders and hold out through lengthy sieges. Combine that with a host of defensive spells and hexes placed around the grounds, and it's reasonable to assume Hogwarts is impenetrable. On the other hand, Hogwart's defenses seem to be penetrated by evil forces three to four times per school year. So expect the zombies to break through the gates within a couple hours.Mental and Physical Toughness
Physically, Harry's a young boy, prone to getting pushed down, knocked out and roughed up. He's pretty agile on a broom however, so unless zombie's can fly (oh shit!), he's always got an out.Mentally, Harry endured years of stress filled oppression at the hands of his abusive relatives, the Dursleys. He's also extremely brave, regularly charging in to evil-filled caverns with little more than his enormous wizard-balls to get him out safely. We think he'd handle the strains of a zombie attack quite well.
Final Verdict
Aside from maybe Forrest Gump, Harry is the most charmed movie character in cinematic history. He'll escape this incident with only a few minor injuries, which will be easily healed. Also, expect the group to find a way to cure all the zombies rather than kill them. What bullshit.Body Count: 0 Dead Zombies
SURVIVED
Dirk Diggler (as seen in Boogie Nights)
The Setup
Fresh faced, young pornstar Dirk Diggler has risen to the top of the 197's pornography industry thanks to his, um, lengthy talent. Life is good for him. He is banging the hottest women. He has the raddest Corvette. He has the Italian-est shoes. Things are going perfectly until one fateful New Years party, zombies attack the house of his director and friend, Jack Horner.Available Weapons
Hehehhehehehehhhhhhehehehheheheheh. Heh. Yes.Allies
Reed Rothchild will always have Dirk's back, and there's reason to believe he can bench... like... a lot. There's also a whole slew of porn actresses and actors present, and Jack's gone to lengths to ensure the whole group works well together. They are a fucking family, if you will.Defensive Situation
Very bad. Jack's house has got that open plan thing going on that all great party houses do. Unfortunately, what's awesome for doing cocaine off a teenage girls chest is not awesome for defending against zombies.Mental and Physical Toughness
Dirk's body appears to be in excellent shape, and his job requires a great deal of aerobic stamina. Also, Dirk Diggler knows fucking karate! So check it.
Final Verdict
No chance. As hilarious as the image of pornstars trying to karate kick zombies, or Dirk Diggler leaping off a countertop trying to club a zombie with his penis, this fight won't even be close. Expect to see a wave of tanned and vacuous zombies coming out of the San Fernando Valley shortly.Body Count: 0 Zombies
ZOMBIFIED
Andy Dufresne (as seen in The Shawshank Redemption)
The Setup
Imprisoned for a crime he very nearly committed. Andy Dufresne is locked up for the rest of his life in a New England prison. There he meets Red, who becomes his friend and narrates their sepia-toned tale of prison brutality. The steady cadence of prison life is thrown into disarray one day, when zombies swarm the outer walls.Available Weapons
The guards are well-armed with shotguns, rifles and clubs. Unfortunately, Andy and the rest of the prisoners are completely unarmed, thanks to the strict rules put in place by Warden Norton. Improvised weapons may be possible, mainly items from the tool shop, but there will be few to go around. Andy's rock hammer is potentially capable of winning a fight, but only after several years of steady effort.Allies
Andy is well-liked amongst both his fellow prisoners and guards, and will have no problem finding himself welcome in a group of survivors. Due to a nothing-to-lose attitude and a familiarity with violence, zombie experts agree that convicted murderers are some of the best people to have your back when the undead come knocking.Defensive Situation
Shawshank Prison is thickly fortified with tall walls, armed guards and a reasonably large stock of supplies. So long as the prison guards keep the zombies outside the walls, Andy should stay relatively safe. However things will get dicey when the prison guards, distracted by the zombies outside, fail to notice an escape attempt by the prisoners inside. (These kind of mishaps are completely inevitable in a zombie movie.) During the confusion the walls will be breached and zombies will roam the grounds freely.Mental and Physical Toughness
Andy's kind of ropy looking, and there's no reason to think he can take a lot of punishment. In terms of mental toughness, we should note that Andy does have a great deal of hope, which is a good thing.
Maybe the best thing.
Final Verdict
Fortunately, Andy has an ace up his sleeve in the form of a nearly complete escape tunnel. The threat of zombification should prod him to finish that in a hurry. Will Andy and Red be able to make their way across a zombie soaked country to the Pacific coast of Mexico? You'll have to come back to see Shawshank 2: Get Busy Dying! to find out.Body Count: 18 Dead Zombies
SURVIVES
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