1. Medical papers or prescription drugs
Ok, let’s be fair: these things aren’t always hung up on the mantle for everyone to see. You really have to go looking for them. Our fathers used to search the bathroom cabinet for herpes medication, these days we search those very same cabinets for prescription drugs. If you find any seroquil, addarall, tramadol, vallium, vicoden, or various other forms of stuff she got from a doctor, jump out of the fucking window and sprint to the nearest way the fuck out of there. If a trained professional thinks she has issues, odds are she does.
2. She tells stories that are hard to believe
Most people have at least one story of something that happened to them that is pretty damn crazy. Oh well, crazy shit happens during the course of a persons life, so that is nothing to be alarmed about. It is when she starts to feed you a line about how she is a super secret government agent and could be called away at any moment to fucking kill Nazis that you have to take a step back and ponder the very real possibility that she is fucking nuts. You also have to wonder the same thing if she thinks she is, talks to, or was abducted by aliens, angels, or any of the various incarnations of Bigfoot.
3. She doesn’t have a job but has money
Can you say ‘crazy check’? I can, and it scares me. Any woman that is shit nuts enough for the government to decide they would pay her to stay home rather than risk her going out in public for an extended period of time is too god damn crazy for me or you. Sure, it is always nice to have a couple of dollars ensured to come at the beginning of every month, but is it really worth getting stabbed by a fork in your sleep? The answer, my friend, is no. No it isn’t…
4. Her past boyfriends are in jail (or dead)
When you run into a girl with this in her past, you can count on one of two things: first, that she sent them there and will do the same to you very shortly, or second, that she hangs around with people who do things to go to jail. Neither is good. If she has more than one ex who passed away in an untimely manner, this is also not good. You do not want to be the guy whom the trends point out as being the next to die or go to jail. Trust me, it is not relevant to your interests.
5. She has too many stuffed animals
Speaking of relevant to your interests, these things should not be. Not to me, you, or any adult over 12 years of age. They are a sign of bad things to come, or in Jack Sparrow speak, “They bode ill”. And what bodes ill for Jack Sparrow, bodes ill for us all. *Cue scowling faraway look over the midgets head out to sea* Also, for now and always, those little furry bastards will mean more to her than you ever will.
6. She cares way too much about Fagbook/Myspaz/Twitter
If it weren’t for my own past transgressions, I would slap you in the face and ask you what you are doing with one of our natural internet enemies in the first place. My own douchebaggery aside… *slap* What are you doing consorting with the enemy!? These people do not bleed red like you and me, but rather a foul, dark, oily sludge made only by Satan himself at his hideout deep inside the Faux News headquarters. Jesus Christ man, for even thinking about it you should wash your hands before you touch your keyboard again.
7. She has kids that don’t live with her
Kids naturally live with their mothers after a divorce, unless said mother is a psycho hose beast. A woman really has to have a breakdown in order for a judge to send them to live with their dad. A situation such as this should scream to you “FUCKING ISSUES! RUN!” If it doesn’t, you must be fucking blind, deaf, and without a Spidey sense. The first two may be forgiven. The last, however, dooms you to hell forever.
8. She is overly religious
Speaking of going to hell forever, only a crazy person believes that shit really exists. Sunday's are meant for football, any woman who doesn’t understand and tries to drag you to church instead is an evil wench who hates freedom and eats babies. You are better off spilling hot tar on your penis than staying around for that shit to try to take hold.
9. She is shit nuts fucking crazy
Sometimes you just know. You can tell by the way she looks at you. Some women’s eyes just say “I’m crazy, and I will fuck up your life.” Sometimes the pussy is just too damn good. In my case, it was the crazy check. We all do things for weed we aren’t proud of. *Raises hand and leaves room*
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