Saturday, 31 October 2009
Little Kid does worlds best Batman Spoof
Friggin' amazing... He's a better actor than Christian Bale
Inglourious Basterds: The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE
CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.
DENIS MENOCHET
Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I would! Now, rumour has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?
DENIS MENOCHET
No.
(pause)
Uh, maybe.
(pause)
Yeah.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!
They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.
DENIS MENOCHET
Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!
EXT. ROADSIDE – FRANCE
BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.
BRAD PITT
Now, ya Nazi varmint, I’d like to introduce you to my team. Guy from The Office. Short kid from Freaks and Geeks. Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.
ELI ROTH
Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!
NOT ED HARRIS
Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man.
(pause)
Actually, don’t do that either. Just don’t do anything. Do zero things.
BRAD PITT
Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie. Unless a’course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.
NOT ED HARRIS
You don’t frighten me. Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.
ELI ROTH
Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?
NOT ED HARRIS
Oh shi–
(killed with baseball bat)
BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.
BRAD PITT
Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint. Now, we’re a-gonna let ya go. But first, we’re gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you’re a Nazi.
NAZI SOLDIER
Oh no. Anything but that. I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.
AUDIENCE
I’m impressed so far. This movie seems devoid of Tarantino’s usual obsession with cinema.
The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATRE.
AUDIENCE
God dammit. I hope that’s just some irrelevant character detail.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Hey, I like your movie theatre. You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the set-piece for the film’s climax.
AUDIENCE
Arrrgghhhhhhh!
DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar…
MELANIE LAURENT
Don’t bother, Daniel. I know who you are.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Man, you fuck one goat…
MELANIE LAURENT
Not that, I just won’t be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.
DANIEL BRUEHL
At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theatre.
MELANIE LAURENT
Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.
MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.
MELANIE LAURENT
Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theatre. Let’s burn it to the ground!
JACKY IDO
Great idea! We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!
MELANIE LAURENT
Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!
Meanwhile…
INT. ESTATE – ENGLAND
MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the première of a movie in France. This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you’re Mike Meyers, aren’t you? Are you trying to be taken seriously again?
MIKE MEYERS
(Austin Powers accent)
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Guess not. Let’s just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.
INT. BAR – FRANCE
DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.
DIANE KRUGER
So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie? This is a great idea, it’s a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Yep. You’ll use your fame to get me and my friend into the première where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.
DIANE KRUGER
Er, isn’t your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.
Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.
AUGUST DIEHL
It’s been a while since one of Tarantino’s obnoxious trademarks. How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?
DIANE KRUGER
Das klingt gut!
There’s a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.
BRAD PITT
Alright Diane. Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let’s go ahead with it anyway. We’re going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!
DIANE KRUGER
So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it’s just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?
ELI ROTH
All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the première in a robotic mech suit, I’m going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.
INT. MOVIE THEATER – FRANCE
HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.
HITLER
This movie is terrible. It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.
GOEBBELS
Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!
HITLER
Hey-oooo!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen! I know all about your plot!
BRAD PITT
Holy Christ is this movie still going on? It’s already been like two hours.
BJ NOVAK
I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
In any case, I’ve decided to surrender.
BRAD PITT
Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
No trick. Giving up. That’s how the movie ends.
BJ NOVAK
Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Nope. Done. Movie over. Have a safe drive home, everyone.
MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he’s SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.
BJ NOVAK
Huh. We won kind of. I guess the mission was a total success.
BRAD PITT
Because Hitler is dead?
BJ NOVAK
Hitler? Dude, Eli Roth is toast. No Cabin Fever 2. Score.
END
EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE
CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.
DENIS MENOCHET
Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I would! Now, rumour has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?
DENIS MENOCHET
No.
(pause)
Uh, maybe.
(pause)
Yeah.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!
They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.
DENIS MENOCHET
Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!
EXT. ROADSIDE – FRANCE
BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.
BRAD PITT
Now, ya Nazi varmint, I’d like to introduce you to my team. Guy from The Office. Short kid from Freaks and Geeks. Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.
ELI ROTH
Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!
NOT ED HARRIS
Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man.
(pause)
Actually, don’t do that either. Just don’t do anything. Do zero things.
BRAD PITT
Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie. Unless a’course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.
NOT ED HARRIS
You don’t frighten me. Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.
ELI ROTH
Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?
NOT ED HARRIS
Oh shi–
(killed with baseball bat)
BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.
BRAD PITT
Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint. Now, we’re a-gonna let ya go. But first, we’re gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you’re a Nazi.
NAZI SOLDIER
Oh no. Anything but that. I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.
AUDIENCE
I’m impressed so far. This movie seems devoid of Tarantino’s usual obsession with cinema.
The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATRE.
AUDIENCE
God dammit. I hope that’s just some irrelevant character detail.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Hey, I like your movie theatre. You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the set-piece for the film’s climax.
AUDIENCE
Arrrgghhhhhhh!
DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar…
MELANIE LAURENT
Don’t bother, Daniel. I know who you are.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Man, you fuck one goat…
MELANIE LAURENT
Not that, I just won’t be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.
DANIEL BRUEHL
At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theatre.
MELANIE LAURENT
Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.
MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.
MELANIE LAURENT
Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theatre. Let’s burn it to the ground!
JACKY IDO
Great idea! We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!
MELANIE LAURENT
Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!
Meanwhile…
INT. ESTATE – ENGLAND
MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the première of a movie in France. This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you’re Mike Meyers, aren’t you? Are you trying to be taken seriously again?
MIKE MEYERS
(Austin Powers accent)
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Guess not. Let’s just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.
INT. BAR – FRANCE
DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.
DIANE KRUGER
So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie? This is a great idea, it’s a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Yep. You’ll use your fame to get me and my friend into the première where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.
DIANE KRUGER
Er, isn’t your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.
Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.
AUGUST DIEHL
It’s been a while since one of Tarantino’s obnoxious trademarks. How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?
DIANE KRUGER
Das klingt gut!
There’s a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.
BRAD PITT
Alright Diane. Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let’s go ahead with it anyway. We’re going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!
DIANE KRUGER
So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it’s just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?
ELI ROTH
All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the première in a robotic mech suit, I’m going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.
INT. MOVIE THEATER – FRANCE
HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.
HITLER
This movie is terrible. It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.
GOEBBELS
Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!
HITLER
Hey-oooo!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen! I know all about your plot!
BRAD PITT
Holy Christ is this movie still going on? It’s already been like two hours.
BJ NOVAK
I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
In any case, I’ve decided to surrender.
BRAD PITT
Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
No trick. Giving up. That’s how the movie ends.
BJ NOVAK
Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Nope. Done. Movie over. Have a safe drive home, everyone.
MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he’s SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.
BJ NOVAK
Huh. We won kind of. I guess the mission was a total success.
BRAD PITT
Because Hitler is dead?
BJ NOVAK
Hitler? Dude, Eli Roth is toast. No Cabin Fever 2. Score.
END
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Japanese: TV Show Chimp
I have no fucking clue what "this" is. It's obviously a TV program of some kind, but if there's actually a show where a chimp interviews/gropes Japanese actresses, or if it's a clip from some other show, or a comedy bit or whatever, the end result is still a chimp interviewing and groping an attractive Japanese actress. If you know, don't tell me -- I prefer to live with the mystery.........
Top 10 Cruel Things Women Do To Men
They don’t pick up the phone
You convinced her to give you her number and you’re feeling good about yourself. Your charm and good looks have obviously made an impression on her. Unfortunately, when you try to call, she doesn’t pick up or, worse yet, she’s given you a fake number. Some women will give you their numbers because it’s easier than trying to tell you why she’s not interested. What’s more, in the age of caller ID, it’s easy for her to avoid your calls. At least the women who give you a made-up number are being more obvious about the fact that they have no intention of talking to you again.
Use men for free drinks
Some women go out never planning to spend any of their own money on drinks at the bar or club. Instead, they count on their feminine wiles to convince guys to shell out for their libations. Some of these women will take the opportunity of a guy buying a drink for her to begin to get to know him, but others (the cruel variety) will take that drink, flirt a little and move on to the next sucker with money to burn.
Use men as placeholders
Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you notice that her eye is starting to wander. She’s starting more fights with you or not bothering to fight at all anymore. Her friends get quiet when you walk into a room. She’s avoiding your phone calls. Her things are disappearing from your place. The AM article Breakup Warning Signs talked about all these hints that she’s thinking about putting an end to your relationship and, well, they’re cruel things.
If she is a decent person, she’ll just get it over with and dump you already, but if she’s cruel, she’ll hold on to you for a while until somebody new comes along. These girls don’t like to be alone and without a relationship, so instead of putting you out of your misery and ending it, she’ll string you along until she meets someone to replace you. If she’s really cruel, she’ll start things up with him before she’s finalised the breakup with you.
Emotionally manipulate men
Men don’t like to see women cry and some cruel women will take advantage of this fact and use it to get what they want. In general, women are much more emotional than men and it’s easy for some women to use a man’s complete incomprehension of female feelings to get something out of him. A few well-placed tears or a temper tantrum and most men will do anything to get it to stop.
Use physical violence
Men are usually raised with the idea that hitting girls is a major no-no. Unfortunately, there are some cruel women who use this aspect of a man’s personality to gain power over him. In the minds of some women, it’s perfectly acceptable to slap a boyfriend across the face when he says something to piss her off. Knowing that he would never hit her back, this type of woman feels like she can inflict any kind physical pain on him without fear of repercussion. A man is also less likely to tell someone about suffering physical violence at the hands of his girlfriend if he believes he’ll be thought of as weak or pathetic.
Criticise their men in public
A growing trend in television shows and commercials is that of depicting men as bumbling idiots, while their wives and girlfriends are intelligent, in control and flawless. This may contribute to the real life practice of cruel women who criticise and humiliate their men in public places. Women can get away with this in ways that men would never be allowed to. When a woman pokes fun at her man or even soundly debases him, the group surrounding them is more likely to laugh than to be appalled.
They don’t disclose their relationship status
You’ve pulled out all your best moves and you seem to be making progress with the cute girl you’ve just met. When you finally get to the point when you feel you can safely ask for her number, she smiles and says: “I have a boyfriend.” That information would have been nice to have at the beginning of the conversation, love. It’s certainly not the worst thing a woman could do to a man, but it is annoying when she lets you assume that she’s available so that she can enjoy your flirtation and flattery.
They withhold sex
This is a time-tested, and frequently used, cruel thing for women to do to men. For most men, sex is as important as breathing, so withholding it in order to get something she wants or simply to punish her man for his transgressions is a pretty low thing to do, even if it is effective.
They test their men
You’re all ready to go for a night out with your friends, when your girlfriend calls and asks you to change your plans to be with her instead. She doesn’t have any particular reason; she just wants to see you. She knows that you had plans to meet up with the guys, but if you really loved her, you’d come over to her place instead. If her request comes with an “if you really loved me,” then it’s a test. If you choose anything other than immediately rushing to her side, you’re going to fail. This kind of testing in a relationship is indeed cruel and petty.
They flirt to inspire jealousy
Maybe she’s feeling under-appreciated, maybe you’ve just had a big fight or maybe she just enjoys the tortured look on your face. For whatever reason, girls who flirt obviously with other guys in front of their boyfriends are immature and manipulative.
Via AskMen
You convinced her to give you her number and you’re feeling good about yourself. Your charm and good looks have obviously made an impression on her. Unfortunately, when you try to call, she doesn’t pick up or, worse yet, she’s given you a fake number. Some women will give you their numbers because it’s easier than trying to tell you why she’s not interested. What’s more, in the age of caller ID, it’s easy for her to avoid your calls. At least the women who give you a made-up number are being more obvious about the fact that they have no intention of talking to you again.
Use men for free drinks
Some women go out never planning to spend any of their own money on drinks at the bar or club. Instead, they count on their feminine wiles to convince guys to shell out for their libations. Some of these women will take the opportunity of a guy buying a drink for her to begin to get to know him, but others (the cruel variety) will take that drink, flirt a little and move on to the next sucker with money to burn.
Use men as placeholders
Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you notice that her eye is starting to wander. She’s starting more fights with you or not bothering to fight at all anymore. Her friends get quiet when you walk into a room. She’s avoiding your phone calls. Her things are disappearing from your place. The AM article Breakup Warning Signs talked about all these hints that she’s thinking about putting an end to your relationship and, well, they’re cruel things.
If she is a decent person, she’ll just get it over with and dump you already, but if she’s cruel, she’ll hold on to you for a while until somebody new comes along. These girls don’t like to be alone and without a relationship, so instead of putting you out of your misery and ending it, she’ll string you along until she meets someone to replace you. If she’s really cruel, she’ll start things up with him before she’s finalised the breakup with you.
Emotionally manipulate men
Men don’t like to see women cry and some cruel women will take advantage of this fact and use it to get what they want. In general, women are much more emotional than men and it’s easy for some women to use a man’s complete incomprehension of female feelings to get something out of him. A few well-placed tears or a temper tantrum and most men will do anything to get it to stop.
Use physical violence
Men are usually raised with the idea that hitting girls is a major no-no. Unfortunately, there are some cruel women who use this aspect of a man’s personality to gain power over him. In the minds of some women, it’s perfectly acceptable to slap a boyfriend across the face when he says something to piss her off. Knowing that he would never hit her back, this type of woman feels like she can inflict any kind physical pain on him without fear of repercussion. A man is also less likely to tell someone about suffering physical violence at the hands of his girlfriend if he believes he’ll be thought of as weak or pathetic.
Criticise their men in public
A growing trend in television shows and commercials is that of depicting men as bumbling idiots, while their wives and girlfriends are intelligent, in control and flawless. This may contribute to the real life practice of cruel women who criticise and humiliate their men in public places. Women can get away with this in ways that men would never be allowed to. When a woman pokes fun at her man or even soundly debases him, the group surrounding them is more likely to laugh than to be appalled.
They don’t disclose their relationship status
You’ve pulled out all your best moves and you seem to be making progress with the cute girl you’ve just met. When you finally get to the point when you feel you can safely ask for her number, she smiles and says: “I have a boyfriend.” That information would have been nice to have at the beginning of the conversation, love. It’s certainly not the worst thing a woman could do to a man, but it is annoying when she lets you assume that she’s available so that she can enjoy your flirtation and flattery.
They withhold sex
This is a time-tested, and frequently used, cruel thing for women to do to men. For most men, sex is as important as breathing, so withholding it in order to get something she wants or simply to punish her man for his transgressions is a pretty low thing to do, even if it is effective.
They test their men
You’re all ready to go for a night out with your friends, when your girlfriend calls and asks you to change your plans to be with her instead. She doesn’t have any particular reason; she just wants to see you. She knows that you had plans to meet up with the guys, but if you really loved her, you’d come over to her place instead. If her request comes with an “if you really loved me,” then it’s a test. If you choose anything other than immediately rushing to her side, you’re going to fail. This kind of testing in a relationship is indeed cruel and petty.
They flirt to inspire jealousy
Maybe she’s feeling under-appreciated, maybe you’ve just had a big fight or maybe she just enjoys the tortured look on your face. For whatever reason, girls who flirt obviously with other guys in front of their boyfriends are immature and manipulative.
Via AskMen
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