The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books (Another classic from seanbaby!)

Sex is something everyone claims to be good at, but very few people actually take the time to research it. For a man to be a successful lover, he has to be attentive, fit, and focused. As for a woman, she must be awake-ish and attached to her vagina.

There aren’t very many structured ways to learn how to make love. In school, they taught us about sex by showing us pictures of chancres and child birth until crotches were our sworn enemies. And if pornographic movies seem anything remotely close to instruction manuals to you, the girls you’re dating have chancres.

Luckily, I searched through dozens of used book stores to find research done on the art of sexing. Say a silent prayer for the genitals of your future lovers, because you’re about to read some highly advanced, extremely erotic tips that will take your lovemaking to the next level.

#5. How to Make Love with your Clothes On: 101 Ways to Romance your Wife, by David and Anne Frahm

This book is a cry for help. My entry into this week’s description championships is as follows: Reading the introduction to this book is like reading the panicked ramblings of a man with his dick caught in a Bible while his wife is flapping directly at him on leathery wings holding a Bible laser. He and his wife include so much religion in their sex life that Moses is their safe word, and they use it anytime it goes past first base.

Besides a clear message that his wife is out to destroy him, the introduction also included my favorite thing about buying used books– the fact that they’re used. When fixing their sex life, the book’s previous owner saw only one line worth highlighting: “Things are boring, empty, and unexciting.” ha ha ha ha, what an awesome thing to find while searching for something to jerk off to!

If you make it past the intro, the book is 101 tips ranging from the obvious to the religious. And as you may have noticed, this book is CO-written. That means that every now and then, David’s wife will add some “notes” to the page. If you listen closely, you can almost hear her screaming over his shoulder as he types.

You know, there are easier ways to get on a porno mailing list, David Frahm. Problems in the bedroom can’t be solved by throwing your phone number out the window along with proof that you’re desperate. If that worked, my sex life in middle school would have been more than a coupon for control-top panties.

I know women are supposed to be bad with numbers, but I don’t think that’s going to fool her.

I’m no biblical scholar, but when I read this: “Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.” That means lubricating virgins, right? If you’re so bored that you have to start ritually lubricating virgins as a couple, you’re about 1 step away from hunting humans for sport.

Did this guy think we needed help figuring out what to do with chick movies? Watch them with women!? That’s literally their only application. What the fuck else would we do with them? If you look right on the back of the box of Bride Wars, it says “Warning: This film is only to be used to exchange for sex with needy women.” Maybe next this fucking genius could write a book called “One Things to do with Can Opener.”

Is his wife a circus clown? Every other piece of sex advice is playing with balloons. And now you want me to come up with seven activities and goodies to put in them? A minute ago, you thought I was so stupid that you had to tell me what a chick movie was for! You know damn well my seven activities and goodies are going to be new TV, sex with her friend, XBOX 360 Elite, blowjob during Rambo, Twitterring together about how small her ex-boyfriend’s penis is, empty balloon, and greeting card. David Frahm, you’re ruining my life!!!

You know where I could find one, asshole? Because the only thing interesting about your book is how it’s trying to make sex extinct.

#4. A Pocket Guide to Loving Sex, by Jane Hertford

I think the Pocket Guide to Loving Sex was written by the author of How to Enjoy Pizza and Why Tits are Better than Watching Cats Die. It’s a very, very illustrated reference guide to every aspect of sex. It’s perfect for beginners, as it treats the reader as if they recently landed on Earth and are piloting the hollowed remains of a strange hu-man shell.

There’s even a helpful index in the back. So if your partner ever pants, “let’s do parting of the waves!” you can thumb to the page that teaches you how to do it, complete with the warning that she’s probably going to put her finger in your butt. Speaking of, you never really realize how filthy sex is until you see a drawing of a hairy married couple with fingers in each other’s butts.

Undressing, tonguing, boning outside, reverse penetration… it’s all there! And with all the lovingly rendered 70s haircuts, it also acts as an NC17 handbook for Supercuts employees. You know, if a client ever wants to see how their haircut will look next to, for example, a battery-operated cockring:

#3. How to Make Love, by Hugh Morris

This 32 page pamphlet was printed in 1936, and it was not ahead of its time. Most of it is about how to spot a dame that spends too much of your money, and the rest is the dangers of pre-marital hanky panky. If you bought this book on the day it was released and have been following its instructions, you’ll be getting your first handjob in 7 years. Anyone who uses this book’s 250 year plan to getting laid is going to have to devour the heart of their partner just to steal enough life force to smile about it.

This wasn’t what I was expecting from an ancient tome of love making. I figured it would say HOW TO MAKE LOVE STEP ONE: Running Start. STEP TWO: Continue Step One for 50 years until scientists invent the female orgasm.

Instead, what I found was confirmation of what I’d always hoped: my grandparents never had sex ever, for any reason.

#2. The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite and Enchant Your Lover with Words, by Bonnie Gabriel

This book is 220 pages of dirty talk described with the clinical precision of a research scientist slowly rubbing your nipples between his toes. Moan for him. If they offered a course on erotic talk in college aside from screaming how drunk you are in a fraternity, this would be your text book. Starting from the basics, it shows you how to convince someone to have sex with you, cursing the whole fucking time.

In fact, the sex talk in this book is so erotic, I decided I’d better soften it by presenting it in a less-sexual context.

#1. 400 Creative Ways to Say I Love You, by Alice Chapin

This is another book designed to bring the spark back into a marriage. And as a pastor’s wife, author Alice Chapin has attended many marriage enrichment seminars. If that doesn’t qualify you to drain a reader’s balls, nothing will. She’s a wild woman, and her sex tips are all over the place, like the pieced together memories of a kidnap victim.

It’s bad enough all my money ends up in there, now you want my hair too? What are you, a druid?

Every day? Man, this sex stuff is really going to eat through your bar of soap, lady.

I don’t get it. Is that to find old semen? Because if that’s what I use to get myself in the mood, I hope the next words out of your mouth are “you’re under arrest.”

I’ll give you this one. Sex for fresh pudding is an economy we can believe in.

This one doesn’t seem safe. In fact, I think it explains how years ago, I found this audio tape inside a bear:

6 Ways to Improve Reality Dating Shows (With Cruelty) by seanbaby

One of the great things about people is that if you put them on TV, they’ll do anything to win. Sometimes they’re not even sure if they’re on a show with prizes, or what the prize is– they will debase themselves and taunt their own God to win. For proof, three different groups of women have competed to let Flavor Flav inside them, and he looks like something that crawls out of bogs to replace our babies with changelings.

To put it another way, if you were on the Price is Right and your Showcase Showdown was Flavor Flav on a dinette set with his dick out, you would pass. And the second contestant would bid one dollar and still go over. Because it’s no longer medically legal to sell that dinette set, and buying dick from Flavor Flav… why, that’s like trying to buy a rain cloud. That’s why on game shows where the prize is a person, TV producers had to come up with a whole new system for winning and losing.

The Rose Ceremony - Why the Current System Doesn’t Work
The Bachelor developed the rose ceremony, and since then, all dating reality shows have used a slight variation on it. It goes like this: you line up the people trying to win you and hand out roses until you’re out of roses. Then the remaining people emotionally break down as it hits them that they’re not even in the top 17 people that Flavor Flav would allow on his furniture-tainting dick.

The problem I have with rose ceremonies is that they’re never appropriate for the contestants. Why give out roses to women who would benefit so much more from protriptyline? How is a rose supposed to undo what their fathers have done?

Then there’s the dull anticlimax of eliminating the leftover girls after you run out of flowers. “I’ll keep you, you, you, oh, I’m out of roses. Looks like all that’s left in this flower basket is fuck you and get the fuck out.” This antiquated system takes so long that during one Flavor of Love elimination, a girl had to relieve herself on the floor. It was like this epiphany hit her– when you lose all dignity, you can just shit where you stand! Or maybe her sphincter saw its one opportunity to express its opinion of the show and took it.

Luckily, using the sorcery of imagination, I’ve gone through several popular shows and suggested some improvements to make the rose ceremonies more appropriate to the contestants.

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels was in the best band of the 80s, and I imagine that was an unfortunate decade for groupie sex. Bret Michaels has gotten so many blowjobs from 80s girls that his belly hair is permanently moussed. If it was 1987 and Bret Michaels came into a bar and said, “Our bus got a flat tire, we need six naked girls for sex,” your girlfriend would start taking off her pants and ask you to set a block for her.

On his show Rock of Love, it’s pretty clear that fucking his way through the 80s has destroyed the part of the brain that can distinguish between hot and dude-in-a-tube-top. Most of the girls on this show are reasons to stop drinking. And then there are the innane activities they all have to do– I mean, this is a guy who filmed himself getting off with Pamela Anderson, and now he’s making busted strippers with 5 o’clock shadow go-kart against each other to win miniature golf time with him.

New Rose Ceremony: Test Results from the Clinic
When Bret wants to keep a girl, he gives her a backstage passes. Do these girls need another reminder that their future boyfriend has so much anonymous sex that attendees need a badge to get near his junk? I don’t know if Bret is truly attracted to anything that probably has a vagina or if his body needs to be industrially milked every few hours. Either way, I think everyone on the set would feel more comfortable if the girls Bret chose to keep received some kind of medical clearance to be near other people’s eyes and mucous membranes. If you burned the Rock of Love house to the ground, looking at the ashes would give you AIDS.

More to Love
More to Love is the Bachelor, only everyone is obese. Which means it’s the saddest show on TV. They didn’t cast this show for sassy, fun-loving big girls. They cast for tragic insecurity. They found girls who knew going in that no one would ever love them, and they just needed someone to film them crying between snacks. I always wonder when they’re producing a show like this, who stays back to watch over the inner sanctum of Hell?

New Rose Ceremony: Putting Your Mouth on a Pressurized Gravy Cannon
If the nozzle in your mouth blasts gravy down your throat at 200 psi, you are free to stay. If instead your mouth is misted with low-calorie cooking spray, you will be pan-fried and eaten. I’m not saying this to mock these people’s struggle against the donut, I’m trying to fatten up the girls and help the guy. Because if a 240 pound woman is sexy, just think how good a 560 pound one will look. Man, you could soak that girl up with toast!

Daisy of Love
After not dying from sex with Bret Michaels on Rock of Love, Daisy was given her own show and the Congressional Medal of Impossible. Her show is exactly the same, only in reverse. On her old show, women emulated Poison groupies to hook up with Bret Michaels; on her new one, men emulate Bret Michaels to hook up with a Poison groupie. Here’s where it gets weird, though: they all seem to prefer the early era of Poison when the guys in the band were hotter chicks than their groupies.

Every episode is a bizarre activity sandwiched between a montage of the guys putting on makeup. Like, actual woman’s makeup. Maybe they read on Daisy’s Facebook that she’s impressed when a dude’s lip liner matches the tape he uses to tuck his penis.

New Rose Ceremony: Daisy Gives You Your Penis Back
This concept is very simple, and completely feasible using simple office supplies. As a contestant, you go up to Daisy and ask for your penis back. If she says yes, she takes it out of the cooler and the two of you leave. The remaining contestants then do situps and giggle about how no one makes a truly waterproof mascara.

Shot At Love with Tila Tequila
Tila Tequila is famous for almost showing her tits on Myspace. For a woman, the only thing more ordinary than that is having Bret Michaels’ abortion. Tila tried to angle her cleavage showing into a singing career, but the world kicked her in the ass so hard with apathy that she still tastes thong every time she hears shitty music.

She’s bisexual, which is what guys call themselves for a few months before they say gay, and what girls call themselves when they can’t interact with people without fingering them. That means that on her show, guys and girls both compete for her attention, all of them covered in tattoos, filled with genetic mutation, and desperately clinging to their teen angst. I think they based Shot at Love on a special issue of the X-Men where they teamed up with the Campbell Soup Kids to fight syphilis.

New Rose Ceremony: Tila Hands Over the Ultimate Nullifier
Speaking of Marvel comics, a lot of people don’t know about Tila Tequila’s previous work as Uatu, the Watcher. I just want to know how shitty this dimension must be if they let the Watcher leave his observation post and have his own bisexual dating show on our version of Earth.

My Antonio
Of all the people used as prizes on game shows, Antonio Sabato Jr seems the most reasonable. He’s a handsome older gentleman with rippling abs and a successful modeling/acting career. Normal women would be happy to settle down with him. Too bad the casting department used their leftover resumes from Flavor of Love. The show is made up of horny teen sluts half his age, but with combat-veteran vaginas that have witnessed the horrors of war. Their desperate sexual antics make Antonio look like a Mormon grandpa.

Antonio: “Let me ask you, can you see yourself building a future with me?”

My Antonio Contestant: “I can fit a fire hydrant in my mouth! Ew, this wine needs more Sprite in it.”

New Rose Ceremony: Gift Certificate to Tower Records?
As it is now, every girl on My Antonio gets a covered dinner plate, and you get to stay on the show if there are flowers inside yours. It’s either insane, or maybe he’s testing them to see if they’re stupid enough to eat flowers. All I’m saying is that if I was a teenage girl trying to date the guy my mom watched on Melrose Place, maybe a card with some money in it would be a more appropriate gift.

Megan Wants a Millionaire
Megan is another girl from Rock of Love who got her own show, only on this one, wealthy douchebags battle for the opportunity to buy her. Try to imagine how bad a millionaire has to be with women that he has to go on TV and humiliate himself for the CHANCE at paying for sex with a 6. That’s how awkward these guys are around girls. They couldn’t get laid if their wangs cured yeast infections. I’ve seen Cristopher Walken play games of Russian Roulette that were less nerve-wracking than watching these creepy assholes talk to a girl.

And once again, while you wouldn’t hide her from your friends, Megan isn’t exactly disarming. There’s no reason to be so nervous unless all they’re all Poison memorabilia collectors desperate to add Bret Michaels’ herpes to their collections.

New Rose Ceremony: Blindfolded in Front of a Firing Squad
There’s only one way to end this show– line all the contestants up, give them a cigarette, and invoice each of their families for the cost of a .30-30 cartridge.

Bidding on a white girl isn’t a TV show concept– that’s a situation that Mad Max would come across just to remind him how fucked up the post-apocalypse is. One contestant built his fortune stripping; another wasn’t even rich– he was just trying to buy Megan with the money he’ll probably have when his dumb, stupid grandpa finally dies. This entire show is so amoral that it had to be pulled off the air after one of the contestants murdered and dismembered a woman who later had to be identified by her breast implants. And what’s crazier than that is that given a choice, he wouldn’t even be the first one you execute.

Megan Wants a Millionaire is a greatest hits of man’s inhumanity to man. They probably burned down an Indian reservation to build the set, and during a few scenes you can see the altar of panda bones where Megan has congress with the Beast. I just hope the millionaire that won her knows that her resale value is worse than a Dodge Durango. And that sex with her is like fighting a bag full of poisonous snakes. Seriously, of all the women in the world, why buy the one that lights on fire when medicine touches her skin?

The Most Batshit Insane Martial Arts Movie Ever by seanbaby

When a movie is just a series of excuses to beat the shit out of everyone for 90 minutes, that’s called action porn. Jason Statham makes one of these every three months. I think the plot to his last movie was that he got his dick caught in a pile of meat and the only way to get it out was drag racing against the President of Tits.

In 2003, Tony Jaa made Ong Bak and changed the face of action porn forever. It was the kind of movie where a guy would go looking for his village’s missing statue head and accidentally walk through an underground martial arts tournament and then accidentally win it. In one scene, he dumped his leg in oil, lit it on fire, did a 360 off a truck and kicked a guy with it. For you ladies that don’t know anything about finishing moves, that’s like killing a guy so hard that four of his Facebook posts disappear.

I interviewed him during the film’s press tour and I made his translator ask him if that stunt man that he fire-kicked was dead. His tiny people are so tough that in the Thai language, the phrase to ask this is only ONE WORD LONG. Before the interview, Tony Jaa did a demonstration where he kicked a basketball off the top of a stack of stuntmen mid-backflip. I can verify with my own eyes that Tony Jaa is computer generated. Either that or he’s some kind of puppet.

Tom-Yum-Goong: Now With 50 Percent Less Plot
After Ong Bak, Mr. Jaa made Tom-Yum-Goong. Somewhere along the way, he decided that patching action scenes together with plot was a waste of everyone’s time. So if Ong Bak was his Debbie Does Dallas, Tom-Yum-Goong was his Best of Buttholes 17: Six Hours of Butthole Blasting Action!

Actually, most people call Tom-Yum-Goong “Where’s my Goddamn Elephant!?” because every scene is him bursting into a room hoping to find his elephant. And if that fails, plan B is punching fucking everything. I honestly don’t know how they afforded to pay all the stunt actors he annihilated. My theory is that they just shot Tony Jaa up with gamma radiation and followed him with a camera as he rampaged. Tom-Yum-Goong probably means “#59. Reality Show With Lemongrass and Coconut Milk (spicy).”

Ong Bak 2: Karate Karate Karate!
While starring in Ong Bak 2, Tony Jaa directed it himself. Historically, this type of thing has always worked out for the best. When Jean-Claude Van Damme was given creative control of a movie, the first thing he did was cast an extra Jean-Claude Van Damme and call it Double Impact. And no one will soon forget the first movie Steven Segal directed, On Deadly Ground; 67 minutes of which were actually used in Best of Buttholes 17: Six Hours of Butthole Blasting Action!

Ong Bak 2 doesn’t even try for a plot. It makes home videos of me opening an Ewok Village look like tight, meaningful screenplays. Ong Bak 2 is a movie based on a six-year-old’s description of the men tazing him. And it’s… you know, I think it’s awesome?

So Much Action the Director Goes Insane
Tony Jaa’s action scenes take a lot of work to film. Let’s look at the facts: If a scene calls for 60 ninjas, it takes 10 weeks to find them, even if they’re in the same elevator as you. Then you have to teach them all the choreography so they’re not just randomly vanishing or turning into dragons. By the time you’re done, all your camera men are cut in half because that’s how people sharpen their swords in Thailand.

Now the real problem is that every scene in the movie is like that. It goes from insane fight scene to epic war scene like someone stuffed cocaine and focus testing data into a Nintendo until it finished a screenplay. The Persian army would have looked at the call sheet for Ong Bak 2 and said, “Where the fuck are we going to get 1600 archers? And 3800 nunchucks!? That’s got to be like twice the entire world’s nunchuck population.”

This grueling pace apparently took its toll on Tony Jaa, who had to direct, train and kick the shit out of every single able-bodied actor in the country. Luckily, all Thai hospitals have a Tony Jaa wing where they treat victims of Tony Jaa. Unluckily, there is no branch of Thai medicine devoted to treating Tony Jaa himself. So after fighting off dozens of 15th century armies, he had a nervous breakdown and disappeared into the jungle, halting production for months.

Tony Jaa has since debunked this rumor, saying production stopped over some kind of money issue. But I got all this information off the Internet, so I’m going to choose to believe the jungle one. If you all get to believe that Barack Obama’s health care plan is nerve gassing babies then I get to believe Tony Jaa ran into the woods to live with panthers. I… I love him.

A Love Letter to Fighter Nerds
Whatever storyline Ong Bak 2 has is taken from best six seconds of the movie every child wrote while training for his or her yellow belt. Tony Jaa’s character is raised by pirates who teach him every martial art there has ever been. And it comes in handy because Ong Bak 2 adheres to the rule that martial arts are an elaborate version of rock-paper-scissors. For example, Kenjutsu beats rope dart, but rope dart beats Teen Wolf. Which is why I’m now calling that game Kenjutsu-rope dart-Teen Wolf.

Before Tony Jaa, most action porn caters to a very specific type of audience– guys who write in to Maxim to ask how much beer a titty can hold. Ong Bak 2 has any kind of action porn you might be into. The pirates teach Tony Jaa wing chun, Choi Lei Fut, samurai swording, cartwheel, Magic Missile, poetry repair, wax off, death blossom, shoryuken, robot attack and Hung Ga, a style of kung fu started when Jackie Chan went back in time to show ancient monks how to look like they’re shitting their pants. UPDATE: This was not an illusion.

There’s a scene where Tony Jaa gets drunk and kills a village full of slave traders with a combination of drunken boxing and breakdancing. Then later, he fights off one ninja with Muay Boran and another with five-animal kung fu at the same time. One pirate taught him a combination of stage magic and Silat, and another pirate’s martial art was just being the, holy shit, master of hand grenades. If I would have read this paragraph I’m typing right now when I was 10 years old, experts would be baffled at how much semen could come out of one screaming boy. Some of them would probably take samples for testing before we realized there was no such thing as pre-teen semen experts and called the police.

A Series of Boss Fights
I may have mentioned earlier how Tony Jaa doesn’t give a fuck. So when he saw a series of pages in the screenplay that linked one event to another, he crossed them out and scribbled in “Fight Half-Cat/Half-Vampire Lady in a Cave. Check to see if part of her could also be dune buggy.” Then he wrote a memo that said, “Find this screenwriter who loves plot so much, dress him like a sexy peanut, and leave him with the horny elephants.” Another phrase in Thai that only takes one word.

Every time you think something is about to make sense, Tony Jaa is blindsided by some new boss. At one point, he escapes an army by climbing onto an elephant that he earlier punched, only to find a mysterious woman with raven powers. She beats the hell out of him and flies off, never to be seen again. That’s how tired Tony Jaa was when he made this movie– he forgot to introduce, explain or defeat his own boss monsters.

The Ending: What the Fucking Fuck
In its current state, Ong Bak 2 is like 90 minutes of ancient 911 call transcripts played in no particular order. However, it has an American distributor, and may get a theatrical release here anyway. So I shouldn’t spoil the ending.

I can say this, though: The ending is so gay that Phil Collins keeps a workout bag in its mouth. It’s so gay that it’s illegal to finish watching Ong Bak 2 in a public restroom. The ending is so gay that if you wrote it, your father would tell you that he’s proud of you no matter what you choose to be.

With that out of the way, SPOILER: Tony Jaa is beaten unconscious by the second half of the movie’s endless stream of boss fights. It then fades to black and a voice over informs us that if everyone truly believes in their heart, we–the audience–can make his life better. You might remember this from when you and your clapping brought Tinkerbell back to life in Peter Pan. If the 500 guys beating Tony Jaa to death were to put down their weapons and gently apply his lipstick with their penises, it would be a tougher ending. And clear up a few more plot holes.

Supposedly, this ending is a cliffhanger for Ong Bak 3 and not a commercial for moustache condoms. But at the rate at which Tony Jaa is removing the plot from each of his successive films, Ong Bak 3 is just going to be him cliffdiving into a woodchipper while motorcycles jump him. And I will give it another A+.

A+